Waiting with hope.

As we enter the new year, I have a feeling many of us are hoping 2012 will be a new start. A good great year. A year in which God moves and really brings it. Or maybe that's just me :)

Yesterday Pastor Dan talked about a childhood memory which was a test of patience. Children were given one marshmallow and promised that if they could hold onto it and not eat it, in 20 minutes they would get another one. Some children were actually able to hold it and not eat it, and of course some ate it. So the ones who waited ended up with two!

The Israelites had waited 400 years without a new word from God through the prophets. 400 years!! How dare I complain if I have a bad day, week, even a month without feeling Him near. Simeon was a man in the book of Luke who believed God's promise to him that he would see the Messiah come before he died. Against all odds, he had faith to hold on to that promise, until he was old and grey. And lo and behold, God delivered His promise! (He always does)

You see, the HOPE in Simeon was greater than the HOPELESSNESS around him.

It made me ponder how long I am willing to wait for God to deliver for me. I am waiting on Him to reveal several things in my life, including my career. I am in a holding place right now where He is teaching me much but keeping me still. And I'm rearing up, getting impatient with Him, ready to move! How dare I? How can I insist on being impatient with the Lord of all creation? Ah, but thanks to Him for His mercy and grace.

Of all the things I am struggling with, I think patience is still a big one. I can wait...but not "too" long. And when I wait, it's probably not very patiently. Psalm 27:14 says "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." The concept of waiting patiently on the Lord is woven many times into His word. Obviously He knew we'd struggle with that.

I have to let go of the ways I think He will work things out, put that aside, and simply wait on Him. With hope.

In spite of our circumstances, in spite of what things look like all around us, God and His plan are ALWAYS worth the wait!

Ponderings

Usually I don't blog unless I have a specific thing God's laid on my heart. But I'm avoiding wrapping Christmas presents (and a bazillion other things). So here is some things I'm thinking right now:

There are some great, kind people left in the world. Once in awhile, God puts them in your path to remind you that the body of Christ is a great bunch to belong to.

I wish I had the boldness of my 4yo daughter, who charged onto the stage after a worship service tonight. She sang a delightful impromptu duet (Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer).

Why do we make Christianity so complicated? Love God. Love others. These are the greatest commandments. Everything else flows after that.

Why do we make our own lives so complicated? God is in control and can use (and DOES use) everything that I do/don't do/wish I did/wish I hadn't done.

Why am I avoiding Christmas this year? I don't have a great answer for that. Last year was hard but I gave it more effort. This year I'd prefer to sleep through it. Someone get the Grinch outta me!!

If I could sing praise and worship for the rest of my life and do nothing else, no joke, I'd totally be on board with that. If I could be a singing nurse, even better. Not sure how that works out though. It would be pretty weird if I was singing while you were delivering your baby. Well...depends on how much stadol you've had...

I'm constantly on Twitter and Facebook because I long for, need, and crave community! I'm desperate for interaction. It's how God wired me. I'm a people person. I remember when Mike died, I told my mom I would gladly be alone forever with God and she laughed. It just goes completely against the grain for me to be alone for extended periods. I'm learning the balance of filling myself up with Jesus but enjoying the blessing of close friends and family.

Every day should start with a cup of coffee and quiet time on the porch w/ the psalms and the birds singing. You can't look at the birds, and read about God taking care of them, and continue to stress about your problems. Time stands still at those moments and I feel His nearness. Nothing compares.

I'm not looking forward at all to packing and driving 12 hours. Not. At. All. I DO look forward to seeing my family, hopefully my brother can make me laugh til I cry. He's the best at it. But the thought of all the preparation doesn't excite me in the least. Anyone have good song recommendations for the road? Please? I wore all my go-to's out on the way to Charlotte and back.

I need prayer for this year that I would continue to follow God's path for me even when it doesn't make sense. Even when I can't tell if I'm gonna sink, I want to step out on the water in faith. Do you have anything you want me to pray for?

Have a blessed Christmas and 2012! It's gonna be great :)

The feeling of freedom

In talking to someone tonight, I was able to put a feeling into words that I hadn't really recognized previously: I haven't even "dealt" with Christmas because I'm just loving the road I'm on right now. What I meant by that was that I'm being so filled up with Jesus that I really haven't had time or desire to spend energy elsewhere. It's not that it's wrong if that's not where you are at- I love Christmas...but I love this closeness with Jesus so, so much more.

It's freedom. I've known Him for so long but my desire to know Him even more intimately has led me to a place of such freedom I can't help but share. The other night when I blogged such a personal blog...I began to think maybe I shouldn't have. And then I realized: it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. It's about me and HIM.

I suddenly felt this feeling of complete peace and freedom...just incredible. Me and Jesus. That's it. Obviously, that love has to express itself outwardly to others, but for someone like me who has tried so long to earn others' approval? Being free is a great thing!

All His words are true. He speaks to me tenderly. He holds me in His hands. He is such a personal, purposeful God. Don't hold Him at arms length, He can satisfy you more than anything else.

I love this: "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." Gal 5:1 (msg) I feel this "anyone" also includes yourself.

Free. We are free! We are servants only to Christ. Each day He leads me in new directions...and I have not a clue what my future holds. But I love that, because HE knows the plans He has for me (Jer. 29:11) and since I know that He loves me, I know they will be good.

You can be free too. Today. Whether you are a Christ follower, or you don't know Jesus yet, throw off all that stuff that holds you back and run to Him. He just wants to be with you. He sent His son as proof.

Choose freedom. This world wants to tie you down. But life is far too short to not spend it all His way.

Do I matter?

I am about to share with you a very brief glimpse into the depths of my heart. This is a very honest picture of my mindset today, and I hope you will stick with me. It's important to me to be real, to not pretend I have it all together, in hopes that you will be willing to be real and honest with your friends, too.

Today I had a beautiful opportunity to go to a Christmas outreach with the youth group. We have been working quite awhile on songs to sing, writing cards, and brainstorming on how we can share the gospel with this amazing shelter in Knoxville called KARM (Knox Area Rescue Ministries). We've worked hard, and I have enjoyed every second.

I was in Charlotte for the weekend, and realized a little too late that I had to leave to make it on time. I broke the speed limit in many a county to make the 4.5 hr drive into 4 hrs. I did not eat well today and overdid it with the coffee, so with all that I was a bit stressed. (Excuses? Probably...)

We finally make it on time and dash in! And then...the fun begins. In my mind. Satan's totally got my number on exactly how to make me insecure. I hate how easy it must be for him sometimes. I felt like it didn't matter at all that I was there. I was not necessary. I could have not gone at all and not one soul would have noticed. I reminded myself repeatedly..."it's not about me, Lord. It's about YOU." And I honestly enjoyed being there. But I felt so...useless. Hopeless.

Got home, tried to call a few folks to pray for me, encourage me. No one home. Made dinner, felt like crying. Then I realized I just needed some time alone and took a bath.

And God met me there. That's the coolest thing about Jesus, he speaks to our hearts whenever, wherever.

What He said surprised me. "It IS about you. It's about your growth, it's about just BEING there, it's about being available. You are my hands and feet."

He reminded me of the woman sitting behind me doing a crossword puzzle...we chatted for a bit. Of the woman on my left who had a beautiful smile (and heart) and I told her so. Of the staff at the desk who we took cookies to. And of the fact that just bringing my children there exposes them to a whole new perspective on life. It gives them a chance to learn how to serve others.

When I thought of all that, my whole view changed. I saw the bigger picture, and I saw myself the way HE sees me. As His servant, available and ready to do whatever He needs, and always loved. When I asked Him, "Lord, do I even matter? At all?"....what was whispered in my heart I will treasure forever:

"Would I have shed one drop of blood for someone who didn't matter? Would I tirelessly shape you into what I want you to be?"

He's still workin' on me. And what a patient God He must be.

Peace: unaccepted

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth PEACE to men on whom His favor rests. (Luke 2:14)

These words, shouted by a whole lot of angels, were proclaiming the coming of peace. The Prince of Peace to be exact. The one that would end the fight over sin and close the gap between man and God. We can now have peace with God.

In Isaiah 9, the birth of Christ is foretold by the prophet Isaiah. The people of Israel at that time were suffering and in anguish at the hands of the Romans. Anguish. Life was really, really hard. They were in serious persecution. They were waiting on the promised Messiah whom, upon His arrival, "there will be no more gloom for her who was in anguish" (Is. 9:1) and "there will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness." (Is. 9:7)

They were waiting. A LONG time. Not sure exactly how long...but you know that feeling as a child when you keep counting the days down to Christmas, and it seems to take forever??? Maybe it was similar to that. It was a long wait.

The longer you wait on God, it's easy to lose focus on the big picture. You start to focus on your expectations, on how YOU think God should deliver.

The Israelites took the above scriptures and ran with them. They lost focus on whose plan mattered more. They began to imagine a strong, mighty government leader. One that would bring peace by defeating the Romans and being a King on their own terms.

It's not bad that they had an imagination. We create all kinds of images in our heads of what we think our future may be. The issue here is that they let their imagination and their expectation of what Christ SHOULD be cloud their vision; they totally missed it when He actually came.

God finally delivered, after all that waiting, and they missed it! His own people, the ones He came for, and they refused to believe this was it because it didn't match up with what they wanted. They continued to hold on to their ideas and false hope, even today many are waiting for the Messiah to come.

We have to be willing to LET GO of our plans and our desires and yield to His. Otherwise we absolutely are going to miss out when He delivers the miracle. Have dreams. Have hopes and ideas. But at the end of the day, place them in the hands of the One who will bring real, authentic peace by the power of the Holy Spirit. Peace that goes far deeper than the imitation version you can try to create apart from Him.

We can now have peace with God, by way of the Prince of Peace. Don't lose focus.

The royal "we"

Even though it's been nearly two years since I've been widowed, I still cannot break the tendency of saying "we." We decided this...or we were watching...we wanted to...sigh. It's getting a little bit embarrassing when I have to follow whatever "we" statement I made with, "um, actually, when I say 'we' I mean 'me'." Seriously, I wonder if people will begin to think I have an imaginary friend! :/

It's hard, really hard, to adjust to being alone.

It's even harder to grasp that we never really are.

In a perfectly timed tweet, God reminded me (through Louie Giglio) that He is always with us. "Are you just waiting on the Lord, or waiting WITH the Lord? Big shift! Amazing truth. No one waits alone."

No one waits alone. I love that. And it's so true. Not only has He promised to never leave us (Heb. 13:5), but also that He will answer us before we even call out to Him, and hears us while we are speaking (Isaiah 65:24).

In Isaiah 41, God says He has chosen you, do not fear for He is with You.
And my personal favorite, "I have called you by name, you are Mine!" (Is. 43:1)

So perhaps my heart knew what my mind had forgotten: I AM part of a "we." A royal we, as it were. I am a princess, a daughter of the King. When I make a decision, when I am resting at home, regardless of what I am doing, I do all things in the name of Jesus (Col. 3:17) and I do all things with His Spirit within me. I will always and forever be part of a "we."

We are chosen. We are deeply loved. And we are never, ever alone. Take comfort in that today.

Mary brings her "A" game

I love that at the age of 29, God can reveal something fresh and new to me through something I've heard a hundred times: the story of Jesus' birth. Well, make that the story of His conception. It's even better when that revelation occurs during youth group- I'm there for the kids, right? Except God sees it as a perfect opportunity to refresh my awe for Him.

We talked about expectations and hope. Certainly Mary, as a young woman at that time, dreamt of the coming of the Messiah. They all were waiting for Him to come and deliver them from the Romans. We can also assume that she did not hope and dream of carrying the Messiah in her womb before she was married.

Can you imagine? Being under 18, unwed, and pregnant. And then trying to convince your mom and dad that God did it. Riiiiiight. Not to mention convincing the man of your dreams that you didn't sleep around. When Mary imagined her life, I'm sure that wasn't how she would of planned it.

That isn't necessarily new to me. What takes on new meaning is this: her response. "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said."

THAT'S IT??? That is what she replied? Because, let's be real, if you're getting ready to take a nap and an angel pops in to tell you you will get pregnant by the Holy Spirit, well, her response wasn't on the list of responses I might have!

I realized as I listened to the lesson that I want to have faith just like that. Regardless of what the Lord asks me to do for Him, I want to reply exactly the same: "I'm your servant, let it be as you've said." That's faith. Incredible faith.

Take a minute to go back to Luke chapter 1. It's a story we are so familiar with, yet one that is so absolutely incredible. He didn't just pick anyone; He picked Mary. (Please don't get me wrong, I don't condone worshipping her more than Christ. Luke 11:28 says that rather than Mary being the blessed one is those who hear the word and put it into practice.)

Let her short, simple, devoted response inspire you this Christmas season to have faith that will trust God regardless of what you see around you.

Brand New!

Last night I had the opportunity to listen to a message from Sean Alsobrooks, the pastor of Knoxlife church. You can listen to that message here: http://www.buzzsprout.com/episodes/converted/36975.mp3

The longer you have been following God, at a certain point you think you've heard it all.  Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously. Then God, by the power of the Holy Spirit, breathes fresh life into a story and you become aware of how little you know. And how much you have to learn (grasshopper)...

The scripture that was a big part of the message was: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come."

Yep. Heard it. Cool. It's a good one. Not sure that I've ever allowed myself to let it change my behavior or patterns of thinking. But hey, another verse I know. Awesome.

Then the pastor wove a story that perked up my ears and made my soul stand at attention. He talked about how when his daughter was coughing he went in and patted her back, comforted her, etc. Then he offered her medicine. The yucky kind. She of course didn't want it, because of the yucky factor. Her father offered it to her so that she would be well. Even though she didn't want to take it, she needed to because it was what was going to make her better.

Similarly, when God comes into our lives, he forgives us and brings us peace and comfort. But He won't stop there- He wants to make us well. He wants to get rid of our "cough". Sometimes the things He wants us to do are yucky, they aren't what we would choose for ourselves, but as our Father, He is only offering us something that will make us better. We could tell him "I won't cough, I'll stop coughing, please don't make me take that!" And the great thing about God is He will never force us. He offers. He nudges. But He doesn't force. We have a choice to move forward with Him, or to stay defeated and "ill".

The other image that really struck me was when the pastor turned in his driver's license from another state to get a new one. They took his old one away, shredded it, and gave him a new one. His old identity was gone. Forever.

When you become a follower of Christ, believe He is the son of God and has risen again, He takes your old identity and shreds it. IT IS GONE. Gone. He gives you a new one. "I have called you by name; you are mine" (Isaiah 43:1)

God says: "I don't SEE you the way you used to be." He sees the righteousness of Christ when He looks at us.

I am new. I am NEW. No longer are we at sin's beck and call, we have a choice now, by the power of God. We are truly FREE. Not free TO sin, but free to forget all our old habits and ways and step out ahead with Him. We can't stay where we're at, we begin a new journey.

Ultimately, God wants us whole and well. He only has good for us, even when what's ahead looks bleak. He treasures us. He offers us healing and help to move forward. Will you allow Him to make you a new identity today? The old one will be gone forever.

The unseen battle

Ahh, my first blog of December. I'm ready for a fresh breath from the Holy Spirit, how bout ya'll?
This week I have been reading about the unseen battle we fight. According to God, it's the only battle. Ephesians 6:10-12 directs us to put on the full armor of God to stand against the devil's schemes. "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood.." but essentially we fight against the evil rulers of the world and of the "heavenly realms."

We know this. Most of us have heard this before. Yet is it something that you consider each day? As I ask God to open my eyes to the battle I cannot see, I am totally amazed at the skill of "the dark side" to distract me. I have completely forgotten how to evaluate everything with this scripture in mind. How many times do I get on the internet to read a devotional or to blog and get sidetracked by facebook or something else? Even now, all I want to do is spend time with Christ, and I am truly making an effort to fulfill that desire, and yet I get distracted.

John 10:10 says that the thief comes to KILL, STEAL, and DESTROY. He can't steal your salvation, but he can muddle up your mind to where you become unable to enjoy the blessings God has given. He wants to steal your joy. He wants to destroy any chance of God getting glory from you living a Godly life. God lets us know this up front, and warns us to beware.

"Be alert and and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

Wow. He really made a strong statement there. I mean, He could have just said "your enemy wants to destroy you." Take a minute and picture a lion, quite hungry, looking for someone to devour. Yikes! We know we do not have to be afraid, because God is all powerful and the devil is not. The Lord wasn't trying to scare us, He wants us to be on alert! To consciously attack each thought, each moment, each day, so that we may get stronger in HIS power, and able to finish strong.

C.S. Lewis' book "The Screwtape Letters" is a book of letters from one demon, Uncle Screwtape, to his minion, Wormwood. It allows you to understand some of the ways they work against us. Really interesting, kind of creepy and extremely insightful. Their main goal is distraction and to keep us shallow. The enemy aims to keep us from digging deeper and experiencing true sorrow for our own sins, and from a close relationship with Christ. Because the closer we get to Jesus, the stronger we become, and we will be less likely to cave under attack.

I like this image- think of a child, afraid. They run for their mom or dad. They know that they need their parent. Then the child is fully assured of his or her safety. When we are afraid, and we run to Him, we are safe. He is our refuge, our place of safety (Psalm 91:2)

Stand strong and fight this battle! It's time to go on the offensive, rather than be rendered useless by all the cares of this world. Recognize that you ARE in a spiritual battle and fight with the full armor of God.
(I will blog soon about what all this armor means, but in the meantime look up Eph. 6:10-12)

Shall not be wanting...

As I drove home today, I imagined what I must seem like sometimes. Right now, in particular. I felt like a child on a leash harness, straining and tugging against it to get at what they want. God is holding me back, assuring me that there is something even better, and would I please just walk next to Him nicely? (If I was the parent I would probably be losing my temper, lucky for me God has a lot of patience!)

Every now and then, I draw near to Him, walk in step with Him, and feel peace. But then something catches my eye or interest and I tug, saying "I want that, I want that, please, Papa! I think that looks like a good plan!"And again, patiently He says "Wait."

I wish I could stay in those peaceful resting times. I wish I refused to become distracted by what I see around me, and by the plans and ideas I come up with for myself. He has the unique ability to see the WHOLE picture- the past, present and future. He alone knows how he can weave this beautiful tapestry to use me to the fullest. All of our experiences, all those we connect with are used to the glory of God. All I can see is where I am at right now. It only makes sense to cast all my cares on him and believe.

The song "The house of God, forever" by Jon Foreman has been in my head for DAYS! Such a perfect song for peace, and to remind us of His goodness. I encourage you to listen to it twice! Get it stuck in your head :) It is based on Psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23.

I am still running

Jon Foreman writes some amazing, broken, honest music. It has helped me put song and lyrics to what's stirring in my soul. This song is called "I Am Still Running"and I love it. It helps me remember no matter how broken, no matter how confused, or even when I think I'm doing well...my home is in Him.

I love Jesus more than anything. And yet, sometimes I run, trying to earn grace, trying to hide from pain and hurt. But everyone who runs away is always welcomed back with open arms. Sometimes in life, we experience a winter season. If you are broken today, just let it all go. Give it to Him. Make your home in His open arms and allow the healing to begin. And soon, you may be able to feel the warmth of spring.



I had no idea the pain would be this strong
I had no idea the fight would last this long
In my darkest fears the rights become the wrongs
I am still running, I am still running

Build me a home inside your scars
Build me a home inside your song
Build me a home inside your open arms
The only place I ever will belong
Inside your open arms
The only place I ever will belong

The miracle of Allison

We worship a God who works wonders (Psalm 77:14). Works. Present tense. And we can be fully assured that He is a God who never changes. Malachi 3:6 says, "I am the Lord, and I do not change." Therefore, if we fail to see wonders/miracles today, has He changed from who HE is? Or is it something else?

I've been learning in a Beth Moore study about this aspect of our faith life. It is her belief through evaluating scriptures that even though we may be in an era that is "seeing" less miracles, that doesn't mean that they do not or will not occur. As children of God, we are welcome to request anything in His name. That doesn't guarantee He will do what we ask, but we have the privilege to do so. Sometimes, the Lord in His gracious sovereignty allows the miracles to be internal rather than external. I can testify to that personally, because even though He chose not to heal my husband on earth, I have received a greater miracle of an irreplaceable closeness with Him. He has developed new, amazing things within me because of the suffering that I went through.

Sometimes, miracles occur that we didn't ask for; that we may not even recognize at the time. Allison, I believe is a miracle. She was God's from the start, without my knowledge or control.

When I was 34 weeks pregnant, my water broke. I was about 90% sure this was so, however NO practitioner would agree with me. 48 hours later, I went into premature labor. We went to the hospital and I was given medication and sent home. Between 34 and 36 weeks, I went in and out of labor, and went to the OB repeatedly because I was sure something wasn't quite right. No physician saw any cause for concern. On the contrary, I think they were probably tired of me!
At my 36 week check up, I really pressed the issue with my midwife. She decided to do a quick, simple test to check for any amniotic fluid. At this point, she was just humoring me.

She came back in and said it was time to have a baby! Indeed, my water was broken. "How long has it been that way?" she asked. "Oh, about 2 weeks," I replied.

"TWO weeks?!" That is no good in the OB world. In fact, most doctors will not let you go past 48 hours with broken water due to an increased risk of infection for both mother and baby.

I was immediately induced and had Allison about 8 hours later. She wasn't able to breathe properly and was escorted to Children's NICU for 10 days.

Now, there is a miracle here that I didn't see at first. In fact, I was pretty devastated. But His hand is oh so evident.

Had Allison been born at 34 weeks, there is no telling how long her stay in the NICU would have been. She may have had many complications from being so premature, and that extra two week stay in the womb allowed her to gain ~2 lb. (She was 5 lb. vs 3 lb.) Each day in the womb for a preemie equals about a week's stay or more in the NICU. Despite my constant appointments and concerns, not ONE doctor did that amniotic fluid test. Had they, I would have been induced at that time and Allison could've been at greater risk.

The fact that neither she nor I suffered any consequences from a 2 week exposure to infection is a miracle in itself. The womb is designed to be a nearly sterile place. The amniotic sac keeps harmful bacteria from entering the womb and growing there. This scenario alone should have caused issues. In fact, most health professionals in this field are very impressed that no infection occurred during that period. This is a mark of the hand of God.

So despite all the ways things could have worked out otherwise, and while I was completely in the dark of what was really going on, my God was in control. He was working all things together for my good and for Allison's good as well. He could have allowed suffering in this situation, and He didn't. (I got to experience some of that later.) But the best part is that I can trust Him no matter what. No matter how dire the situation, no matter how beyond my control it is, I can cast all my cares on Him, because He cares for me! (1 Peter 5:7)

So believe! Believe, and ask! Your faith delights the Lord: "without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6) If you believe little, you will likely see little, and then continue to believe little. It is a vicious cycle.

I understand that sometimes He doesn't give you the miracle you are seeking. Sometimes really horrible stuff happens anyways. And it seems there is no reason, no answer. Maybe you feel angry at God, and afraid to believe Him. It only makes sense that you might feel that way. But I promise you that out of every hurt comes something better, richer, and more valuable. I can say that to be true because I experienced it. He truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. You can trust Him. He is faithful. He is love. He is weeping with you as you suffer, as He once suffered on earth as well. He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5) That's a promise from your Creator, dear friend. Believe it!!

Whose image is it anyway??

 The definition of the word image is: a reproduction or imitation of the form of a person or thing. So who or what are we reproducing or imitating in the image we project? In our culture, there is a heavy focus on our self-image. How do we feel about ourselves, how do we perceive ourselves? Feelings and thoughts about ourselves become very foundational to how we behave and interact in relationships. According to the world's standards, our image defines who we are, and determines where we fall on the scale of "coolness". Acceptance stems from our image. There are a million articles on improving your self-image, changing your image, even self-image tests. The cosmetics industry makes millions/billions of dollars a year on the fact that we feel it necessary to project a certain image. From clothes to makeup to hair products to perfume to fad diets to surgery-


When did we decide that what God declared to be "very good" was not good enough?


In Genesis 1, God created the heavens, the earth, light and darkness, water, vegetation, animals, fish, birds, and more. But He wasn't quite satisfied. So He said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to our likeness." Then He "created man in His own image, in the image of God He created Him; male and female He created them." At the end of the all the creating, "God saw ALL that He had made, and behold, it was very good."


All He had made. Was very good.


I get the distinct impression that no additional improvements were needed. I mean, certainly if the One who made the creation declared it very good, then what was made is complete.


Would you alter the statue of David? What kind of augmentation would be appropriate for the Mona Lisa? Each piece of art has been declared complete by it's maker- it would be foolish to alter it.


 How about the sunsets or sunrises? What would you do to increase their beauty? Could anyone add anything to Niagara Falls? Beauty is all around us, crafted by the hands of God Himself. There is nothing needed to add to the beauty. In fact, it seems foolish to think that we could add anything to improve upon the natural wonders God has made. Women have been created the same way, and each one of us was knit together with purpose by the Father in heaven. Psalm 139:13 says that He knit us together in our mother's womb. Verse 14 says we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." So why, dear sisters, do we allow the world to tell us we are not? Why do we insist that we are less than wonderful in our plainest state?


Please understand, I am all for good hygiene! I think we need to take care of what God has made by eating healthfully, staying physically fit, and keeping ourselves squeaky clean :) . But for whom do we "put our face on" every day? For whom are we having physical augmentation done to our bodies? The cosmetic surgery industry is estimated to reach or exceed $7 billion in revenues in the year 2013, up from $4.4 billion in 2008. What kind of dent could we put on global poverty and starving children with that $7 billion?? Just a thought.


Please also understand something very important, "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) If you have had cosmetic surgery- Christ doesn't condemn you, and neither do I. If you are imitating the world with your image- Christ doesn't condemn you, and neither do I.

I am simply trying to speak truth into your heart. You are formed after God. You are created in HIS image! Don't let the world tell you who you need to be and look like to have value. God Himself made you and said you were very good. Let us truly be set apart, not just by our actions, but in our image. Be satisfied with what He has made. It is more than simply "good enough", it is very good! There is nothing you need to purchase that can improve it. Allow the value He gives you to define how you see yourself. Amen?

Drifting

I meant to add this to the post yesterday. Great song, stuck in my head this week..

I love you, too...

This week has been a little really rough. Last week and the weekend seemed great, I felt great; full of joy. This week...pffft. Not so much. Kinda empty and confused and swirly inside. Not so fun. I still had my quiet time, but didn't feel the joy of new revelations from the Lord. I knew He was there, I could see Him smile in my mind if I tried real hard...

but I didn't feel how I wanted to feel.

Have you been there? I began to notice how I was searching in my mind for something to make me happy. Something to distract myself, or fill the void. Food? Chocolate? TV/Movies? A book? A beer? Internet? Shopping? (I have temporarily suspended my shopping privileges :) ) I couldn't find joy in any of them even if I had tried. Luckily, I didn't try, because I had been prepared for this experience by a sweet woman named Angela.

A week ago, at The Well (woo woo!), we received a message about allowing yourself to be emptied so that God himself can fill you. The speaker showed us how we all have periods of emptiness and we (very successfully) distract ourselves with temporary joys, to avoid that feeling. At the time, I was feeling fine. Then Monday hit, and it was my turn. Funny how that works :)

Knowing what she said was true, how then could I have turned around Monday morning and sought all those temporary things? Knowing that when I seek HIM with my whole heart, then I will find Him (Jer. 29:13). And He will "guide me always and satisfy my needs"(Isaiah 58:11). In Psalm 139, it says "where can I go from Your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, behold, you are there....If I say, "surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and even the light around me will be night," even the darkness is not dark to you, and the night is as bright as the day."

YET, knowing and feeling are often two different things. So all week, I sought God. I repeated to myself what is true. I repeated that He is in control. I remembered that my yucky feelings will fade, and my joy will return. I asked God to fill me with Him so that I might feel the joy of His presence again. Needless to say, it seemed like a long week!

This morning in the car I was listening to Beth Moore...she told us that God had told her instead of saying, "I love you Lord," to say, "I love you, too." You see, we love Him because He first loved us. God is love. Just like I am female. He is love. It is His essence. As such, He is the initiator of love in this relationship. He loved me first. I love him, too. I really needed to hear and say that. It started to shake the dust off my heart.

And so, for the rest of the day, I continued on pushing through, praying, trying to embrace the present as much as I could in my lowly state of heart. This evening, I had a candle-light "date night" with my kids. Pizza, ridiculously sugary dessert, and "The Master of Disguise." Somewhere in that time, my heart started to feel joy again. As we snuggled, watching the movie, I thought, it's back! Whew! That was not a fun week.

Sometimes, it takes persistent energy to shake off the hold of the devil and this world and cling to the truth. To grab onto Jesus. Often times, our emotions will lead us astray if we allow them. When we are tired, hormonal, lonely, whatever- it can be very, very rough. If we are lucky, we have friends and family that hold us up when we are having a bad day. But if we are blessed, we have heard and believed the truth about our Lord, and allow (beg!) for Him to hold us up on our bad days.

He's always there. Whether it feels like it or not. Press on. Seek Him with all your heart. He WILL satisfy all your needs.

And don't forget to tell Him you love Him, too. :)

Be holy as He is holy...

Haven't blogged in awhile...and it's not that I haven't still had moments where God has revealed Himself in new ways. I just have lacked the desire to share them for some reason. But then I remember how encouraged I am by other people's blogs. Since I want God to be able to use me to impact others, blogging is something I must discipline myself to do, so I can share how AWESOME He is!! :)

For those of you who haven't visited www.utmost.org yet, I STRONGLY encourage you to do so. I set it as my browser window homepage so it pops up when I get online. Then NO excuses not to dig deeper into your relationship with God!

That devotional has given me a ton of good material to break down for you. However, I read something from another source just a minute ago that I want to explore.

"I am not trying to preach or force religion, but if you have any faith, any, share it. "

This is the perspective within the nursing career as well- we are to encourage expressions of "faith". Any faith. (I'm thinking..."because having any faith at all is better than none??!") This theology bothers me. You see, I have been blessed with an abundance of faith in Jesus. I think God knew I'd need it with what I've been through. And I'm simply too logical NOT to connect the dots.

Here's the dots...

1- We are obviously created beings. Our body's DNA alone would stretch to the sun and back about 50 times. If you are a logical, thinking person, the more you learn about how complex you are, you've got to admit we didn't just evolve out of mud and protoplasm.

2- If we were CREATED...then whoever created us gets to make the rules. I am "over" my children, as head of the household. I make the rules and enforce them in love. If I let the kids make the rules, this would not go well for them, I assure you. So....if we were created, and can conclude that there is a "higher power", then they are the ones that make the rules.

3- Jesus Christ walked the earth. We know this. There is more evidence that he existed, then that William Shakespeare existed, and no one questions HIS life! Jesus proclaimed to be the son of God, the sent Messiah/savior. So He was either right, or he was nuts. If your professor began calling himself the son of God, you wouldn't think he was a great teacher/prophet...you'd think he was crazy. Send him away to a facility. SO- this man, Jesus Christ, existed in the flesh, walked among man, performed miracles, prophesied events, and called Himself the son of God.

4- Jesus Christ's body is no longer in His tomb. That's because He rose from the dead. This is how we get to live with Him forever, because He went to hell and back for us. Literally. You find His body, you let me know.

5- This God, as the creator, and Jesus, as His son, exist and are real and dwell in heaven. They are the ones we answer to. They are in charge. They reign above all created matter, because THEY created the matter.

These are the logical dots that I have made, because if you believe in God, He has to be almighty, He has to have power, He has to be unknown in many ways...because if I can reduce Him to be like me, and think like me, then He is no longer a Holy, perfect, God...He is a glorified version of man.

And here is what HE has to say:

"ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus" Romans 6:23

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8

"If you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved" Romans 10:9

"Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Christ Jesus" Romans 5:1

"There is no God apart from me, a righteous God and a Savior; there is none but me." Isaiah 45:21

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except by me." John 14:6


So if He is a holy, righteous God who gets to make the rules, is it logical to believe you can worship/believe whatever you want and still slide by into heaven because of good deeds? Are you just banking your eternity on wishes and hopes that you'll be good enough? Do you think it doesn't matter because, well, who KNOWS what happens when you die? Well, the answer is in the scriptures above. You get to make the choice, because He loves you so much He's not going to force you to love Him. Which I think is pretty nice of Him.


 I'm in this battle for your soul. I'm "in it to win it." I want you to know the truth so you can be set free from sin, defeat, and despair. No way would I ever, ever encourage you to believe something, anything. There is one God, and one Jesus, and He is absolutely AMAZING! You can't earn His love- it's yours already! He cares for us and shows that love in ways I would love you to see. If you want to reject Him for a lesser version, a god of your own making...you can. But I don't recommend it.

Get up and go!

Last evening I enjoyed a great night of worship with some fellow single moms at The Well, a ministry of First Baptist Concord Church in Farragut. After the singing, we received a great message about CHANGE.  The Holy Spirit was a'movin' and a'shakin'!!

Change...sometimes change is good...sometimes change is not as good. Some of us crave it, some of us hate it. Sometimes, like the changing of the seasons, it brings relief. Sometimes, like time passing, leaving us older still, it brings sorrow. But like it or not, change is something that all of us will have to endure. It is simply part of the human experience. And while we don't always have a choice about when or where we will encounter change, we do have a choice of how we respond. Now, while that was easily read, THINK about it. WE have a CHOICE in how we respond to ALL change in our life.

How serious are you about wanting to change something about your life? If something negative has happened, such as a divorce, losing a job, losing a loved one, moving to a new place where you don't know a soul...what now? Changing the way that we respond to stressful, life-changing events requires intent. It will not happen by chance, and it won't be effective, lasting change without the power of God behind it.

The speaker gave us several things that are vital if we want to allow God to make changes within us that will last:
1- Spend time with God each morning. Yes, you can do the afternoon or evening. But allowing God to fill you up before chaos begins makes the day so much smoother. You commit and purpose each day for the Lord and then surrender to Him all day long. I myself have seen the blessings that come from seeking Him early. It is a good thing. Remember: you don't need to be more or be better, you just need to be closer to Christ. It's the only way you can have lasting change in your life.

2- Stand up on the inside. Sometimes we just talk about all the ways we want to do better or are gonna do better and then feel defeated when we fail. Let what you believe inside be how you live outside. Stand up inside and resolve to act on what you know is true, regardless of how you feel or what you see. As Beth Moore says, "our theology oughta match our reality."

3- Choose to become a prisoner of HOPE instead of sin. We have been bought at a price, friends. There is nothing, NOTHING that is outside the reach of the healing hands of Christ. "Yes, my soul, find rest in God. My hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

4- Never give up! Even if you aren't seeing any progress, be assured, if you are drawing nearer to God and deepening your faith in Him, He will be faithful to continue molding you into who He wants you to be. "We walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor 5:7

 Do you want to be well? Do you want to be healed and whole? (Of course, goober!;  you think...)

One story in John 5 is about an ill man laying on a mat by a special pool in Bethesda. Once in awhile, at "certain seasons" an angel would come stir up the pool and whoever stepped in first was healed! Well, this man had been there for THIRTY EIGHT (38!) years. On a mat. Possibly in pain. Seriously. And the first thing our sweet Lord asks him is: "Do you wish to get well?"

And again we think, of course, goober! What kind of question is that?! But as you will notice as you read more of His word...He doesn't ask useless questions. He never acts without purpose. So clearly there is something to be discovered here. I think that before we can get better, before we can move into the next phase of our life and graduate from our "mat", and before we can have lasting, effective change in our hearts, we have to WANT to be well. At any cost. Trusting Him to do it. You can't hem and haw about wanting to be "well" when it comes to a relationship with Christ. He simply doesn't work that way.

Interestingly, the man's response to Jesus' question is this: "I had no one to put me in the pool!" Umm yeah..I'm pretty sure Jesus knew that already. In fact, it says that he knew the man had been a long time in that condition. Seems like it should have been a YES PLEASE! answer to the question. So...let's dig deeper...

When Jesus asks me if I want to be well..do I point fingers at other people? Do I blame those who hurt me, instead of forgiving and allowing Him to heal my heart? Let's stop focusing on the problems we have had. This man had been focusing on his problem for 38 years and it was the first thing out of his lips when Jesus spoke to him. "I'm ill...nobody's helping me...I'm always last in the pool." I'm sure his situation was rough. I'm sure it warranted some emotion. But when the God Almighty meets you face to face and is about to make you well, are you gonna put on your pity party hat?? I'm sure I've done it before. Stories like this one I believe are there to remind us not only how to live like Christ, but to remind us how easily we resort to our fleshly ways without Him.

God will let you stay on that mat for the next 38 years. He never forces you to choose Him, to be well. To be filled with his Spirit and the blessings that accompany it- things like love, joy, peace and patience. He allows us to choose the mat, to stay down, defeated and bitter, pointing fingers at everyone who let us down.

I want to be well!! I want to be wholly surrendered to Him, so that all my past regrets and all my past hurts and all my past failures can be used to make me better or can be discarded by the only One who truly knows me. I don't want to lay on the mat any more and throw pity parties in my heart. Oh Lord, make me well. I want to thrive, not just survive....

Make a joyful noise...

This morning I was able to attend chapel with Ewan (and was so pleased that he actually ASKED me to come with him!). They had a short message on what is essentially authentic worship. It was great, and gave me inspiration to share.

The speaker indicated that he was from a very formal church background. He ended up at a "rockin" church and was just completely shocked that people clapped and jumped up and down. He said one older lady even ran around the church (that part would probably shock me too :) ). He mentioned to the pastor that it was hard for him to get used to such behavior.

The pastor said: have you been to a Vols game? (Or any sports game for that matter) Do people stand or sit quietly? How do they behave? They go CRAZY!!! And all that for a game with a ball. So much enthusiasm, so much energy, so much emotion! For a game. So is it really that weird that people get that excited about praising the God of the universe?

We were created to exclaim His praise! In fact, it is a beautiful privilege to approach the throne of the Father at all...we SHOULD be excited! We have, for now, the freedom in America to worship with all we've got, as often as we want! Ritualistic Sundays? Scheduled monotony? Don't take the gift of worship for granted...it may not be long before that freedom is no more.

I personally can't stand still when I'm moved by a melody and lyrics that speak love between my spirit and the Lord's. I still feel some inhibition...but when you close your eyes...and feel yourself drawn near to God...come on, get excited! Give a shout! He is God, Yahweh, Mighty to Save, greater than anything we could possibly conceive. Don't miss out on the joy of authentic worship of Christ. Besides, aren't we just practicing for eternity? :)

A Living spring...

Ok..I want to be in bed right now! But I had a great evening receiving words from the Holy Spirit, and have to pour it out quick before I forget!! Just so you know..this is long and rambling and may not make any sense to you at all. It's just a blog about what He is speaking to me. And perhaps my buddy Chelsey. :)

Recently I have become more aware of how things start connecting when we really focus on Christ. I have been spending a lot of time getting into His Word...and there are days when I get the same message from Him...over..and over. At which point I think..hmm, clearly You are trying to make a point!

The Oswald Chambers devotionals at www.utmost.org have been all about being a river of living water. Well...it's kind of hard to explain as poetically as he does (and as Jesus does!) but essentially, when we allow the Holy Spirit to flow through us as God is filling us up, rivers of living water pour out of us to affect those around us. We rarely see the effects of all of these rivers, but that is not the point. The point is to keep our eyes on the Source. If there is an obstacle that comes up...keep your eyes on the Source, which is Christ. God will either remove it or take you around it.

Today's words that stuck with me were: If nothing is between you and Christ, out of you will be a river CONTINUALLY flowing. Not a one time experience, or passing on a blessing, or paying it forward. This will be a way of life, that, if you stay connected to the Source, will never run dry. There will be no dry riverbed, there will be no Dead Sea. He is the Source of life, and He is faithful.

I also have had that song from the recent Passion album stuck in my head for about a month, since I heard it at CAV - "All my Fountains (are in You)"

So that's what I've been focusing on. There are a few barriers that have come up in my life, and I have been waiting not altogether patiently for Him to move them...or move me on.  He orchestrated the most beautiful removal of one of them today. It was AMAZING. I mean, honestly sometimes I think He is showing off. :) But the great part is when we have our eyes on Him we get to see and be an active part of this faith walk.

The great thing tonight was at youth group (no, unfortunately I have not un-aged and returned to my younger years..lol...I am helping out with the youth! It's a blast!) the youth pastor spoke about...yep...being a stream of water. I admit I'm not sure why God is driving this into me right now. I'm still in the dark at what He has planned for me on earth. But as always, it's in the process, not the end product, that the Lord places emphasis.

The verses were Isaiah 58:9-11.

Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry and He will say, 'Here I am.'
If you remove the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness,
And if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then your light will rise in darkness and your gloom will become like midday.
And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places,
and give strength to your bones;
and you will be like a watered garden,
and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

If you call upon the Lord, and then get rid of all the bad junk, like blaming and judging and badness...and then give of yourself to others..you will find that He will continually guide your steps. He will brighten your mood. He will bring you deep satisfaction, the likes of which the world can never provide! He will give you strength, and as long as you continue doing all these things- call on Him, repent, love others...He will make sure your waters never run dry.

Our God is awesome. That word no longer cuts it for me. I am in awe and in love and to be perfectly honest...I'm believing God over anything else.

Wouldn't you like to have the peace and joy He brings? There is no comparison.

I am restless..

This is just where I am right now. Thanks Jon Foreman for giving words to what my heart is feeling. I encourage you to listen closely to the poetry set forth.

Also, Psalm 37:24 "When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the LORD is the One who holds his hand." I am humbled by this love. He is holding my hand. Who would dare say this is not a loving God who wants a personal relationship with us?? I will be restless until I am in His presence. That is all.

P.S.- MOM- He is backed by Sarah Masen, who is his sister-in-law!! Weird, small world, huh?

All the single ladies!

Lately, Psalm 37 has been my go-to scripture. I have it taped to the cupboard in the kitchen. I marvel at the clarity of it, and I love the commands at the beginning of each sentence: dwell, trust, rest. We can't say that we don't know what to do until God acts, or what to do until He makes the next step clear. He tells us exactly how to behave in our times of waiting.

Do not fret because of evildoers, Be not envious toward wrongdoers.
For they will wither quickly like the grass and fade like the green herb.
TRUST in the Lord and do good; DWELL in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
DELIGHT yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.
COMMIT  your way to the Lord, TRUST also in Him, and HE will do it.
HE will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
BE STILL in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.

Psalm 37:1-7 (NASB and NLT versions)

Although it appears that most of the above verbs are passive (resting, waiting)...I beg to differ. You see,  I have experienced the fight against my flesh and my thoughts to be rather active, involved, and trying. We often try to blame Satan, and surely he tries to distract us.  But this verse helps me remember that many times the source of the problem is within me: Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away (James 1:14 NLT).

So, while desires for a husband, children, etc are natural and often placed by the Lord for His own purpose...if not deliberately given into God's hands, these desires can allow us to get enticed and dragged away. Putting them into God's hands takes work- prayer, scripture knowledge, and self-control (which is a fruit of the Spirit). Otherwise the daydreams in our  heads can take over and really make things nuts!

Tonight I was hitting the Nyquil before bed (best part about having a cold!) and was listening to Brooke Fraser. Her song, "Love is Waiting" was playing. I love it- mostly because it's a very good storytelling song about fall! And right now, I want fall...

But I finally understood- she wasn't saying Love is waiting...like here, I put this love on a shelf and it's waiting for you. I think it is similar to the "love is patient, love is kind" verse. Love is waiting. If I really loved my future husband...I would wait patiently and not rush things. One line says "I can't force the sun to rise, or hasten summer's start...neither should I rush my way into your heart." I love that.

When we are in our periods of waiting, much like the Saturday between the crucifixion and resurrection, that is when God is doing His finest work. He's working on the behind the scenes stuff that transforms everything!

So like Brooke says, slow the pace, hold on if you can. BE PATIENT! He says in Psalm 37 that He will do it! So trust Him. Instead of putting your efforts into looking for that special man of God...put all your efforts into earnestly seeking the Son of God...and allowing Him to transform you into the woman He created you to be. This world is so short...you can do this!

Precious privilege

Tonight, as I was making my son's bed and struggling against things weighing on my mind...I had a brilliant thought!

"...you do not have because you do not ask God." (James 4:2)

Have I actually spent time on the floor beseeching God? Listening to Him? Pouring out my heart? Um..no. I pray throughout the day. I enjoy moments with Him throughout the day. But I'm honestly not too sure that I've actually ASKED Him for some of the things that have been on my mind. What a goofball! You would think that would be the first thing I would do!! I get so amused when Ewan is about to fall asleep and mutters something like "ya didn't even give me a snack" or "you didn't play video games with me today"...and I think- you didn't ask me!!

Then I felt like a kid at Christmastime, and I couldn't wait for the kids to go to bed so I could spend some time with my Jesus! Not like He is Santa and is going to give me everything I ask...but just to be in His presence! What a precious privilege we have to "cast all our cares upon Him" (1 Peter 5:7), and He knows exactly what we need before we even ask Him! (Matthew 6:8) (Yes, lots of exclamation points...picture me jumping up and down and yelling these words out!)

Spending time with Him satisfies me in a way nothing else does. It makes me understand that He is the living water that quenches our thirst. He reminded me that He placed a desire in my heart for Him, and that nothing in this world will fill that place. It's made for Him!

And now I can rest easier if my mind starts to get cluttered again with whatnots. I can remember that I've taken those concerns to Jesus and bared my heart to Him. He knows what I need and want, and He knows how to use me to best bring Him glory. That's all I could ever want.

Sigh. Isn't He dreamy??? lol :)

In Repair- part 2

"Wait for the wind to blow down on me, hoping it takes with it my old ways...."

Recently, I had a little meltdown.

Ok..not so little. There was some snot, and tears. And some sweat, cause it was about 90 something degrees in the building!

But I'm starting at the end of the story.

I recently started trying to find a place to serve in the church. I have a passion for music, and a ton of ideas for skits/dramas. I feel like there is so much in me and no outlet for it!  I felt the Lord possibly directing me to apply this some way to the youth group. So I've visited about 3 times.

I have enjoyed the time I've spent with the youth on Wednesday nights. They really are a great group! But I'm still not quite sure how to put all these puzzle pieces in my head together with what is actually already happening.

I decided to attend the parent info night, "Collide", in order to really know what the youth group was all about, and what the parents thought, or were curious about.
For whatever reason I felt insecure the moment that evening began. I have a loooooong history of seeing myself as inferior. I felt that I had conquered and passed over those issues. Obviously not.

I sat there, sweating (it was SO hot), battling the voice. You know, the one that knows where your tender sore spots are and POKES you in them. I know Jesus enough to know when He is speaking, and what HE thinks of me, and to know when the liar is speaking. This was definitely the liar. I was whipping out scripture in my head, fighting him off, thinking all the while- "I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS!!"

Where in the world had this old pattern of inaccurate thoughts come from? "You don't belong here." "What are you trying to prove?" "No one needs you here." "You should just stay home with your Bible. Then you'd be safe."

It truly felt like I was holding the walls up around me, and losing the fight. They were collapsing in on me.
"HEY! You are MORE than a conqueror in Christ!"(Romans 8:37)

I said to Jesus- I'm gonna need to have you "with skin on" right now... I need a hug. I was blessed by a wonderful mentor/friend at that moment. I was able to shake it off and move past.

But how frustrating!! I know the Word. I know what's true. Those old patterns aren't mine anymore.

Later I thought four things. 1- Either God is about to do something big in me and Satan was trying to put a stop to it. 2- I had asked God to extinguish my pride earlier, perhaps this was a way to achieve that. 3- There may be perhaps a spirit of inferiority/insecurity that hovers over youth groups. I mean, how many youth are secure in who they are, really? 4- Maybe I still have issues. (haha)

It was just so odd to me the strength of that experience, the power of the emotions...the complete helplessness I felt despite trying to do everything I knew how to do.

Perhaps I'm still waiting on the corner for the wind of God to sweep those old ways away. Again. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning.  He uses all things to make us into what He has created us to be. Sometimes, it just shakes you up. And that's probably a good thing.

In Repair- part 1

Tonight, I'm trying to crank out blogs. :) I have so much in my head/heart that I need to spill. Happy reading!!

I was blessed to be able to catch some great tunes at Worship in the City this past Friday morning with my little girl. It was hot, but the Holy Spirit didn't mind.
One of the songs performed was "In Repair" by John Mayer (no, John Mayer wasn't there, ladies!). I hadn't heard that song before. But the lyrics and the testimony stuck with me.

"..wait for the wind to blow down on me, hoping it takes with it my old ways"...
"..I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there.."

Lately, I've been spending time with new friends in the church who have shared their burdens with me. It always amazes me that on Sunday morning, we really have no idea what is going on in each other's lives. I am glad to come alongside these women and pray for them, as they pray for me, that God will move and heal and restore.

All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience (1 Cor. 10:13). So God has so composed the body [of Christ], giving more abundant honor to the member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, ALL the members suffer with it (1 Cor. 12:24-26).

We all are hurting, or will experience hurt. We all need repair. I am "in the shop", allowing God to remove that which needs to be thrown out and fix up what can stay. And I am so thankful that our God had the kindness to construct the church in a way that we can all support each other. I am blessed by my church family and my friends. I am not together. Those of you who really know me, know that! But with  the grace of God, and the support of those I love, I am getting there.

And thank you, John Mayer, for giving words and a melody to the thoughts of my heart.

The Living Word

Ok...so I have had a large amount of short ideas to blog about. Unfortunately, due to my premature senility caused by early mornings and children, I've forgotten most of them. (Good reason to journal!)

Lately, God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit have become real to me in a way I'm sad to admit they haven't before. I have found this week that the Lord gives me certain thoughts/scriptures in the mornings that I can call upon later as the situations warrant. For instance, I have a list of scriptures I copied down regarding waiting for the Lord to give direction. One day, I looked up a verse in Psalm 37. I ended up reading all of the Psalm 37. Verses 1-7 seemed absolutely perfect. I wrote them down to be able to look at them throughout the day. One part says to simply dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. I feel that is what my life is about right now, for the most part. Another verse says to not fret when others prosper. When I see all my friends getting jobs they love, it leads me to feel lousy. So that verse really applied to me. It helped soothe me when friends asked why I hadn't yet found a job.

The really cool/fun part occurs later that day. I was reading a book on parenting "angry" children using the scripture (The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo ). REALLY tough book. Essentially, you have to "remove the plank out of your own eye" before getting the splinter out of your child's (Luke 6:42). I have struggled with losing my temper and overwhelming anger. I have good days and bad days. But I felt very convicted after reading the beginning of that book. I was wasting time before bed, looking through the nightstand drawer, and pulled out one of Mike's smaller bibles, not frequently used. I flipped through it to look for any notes that may have remained. I started reading a particular section and as I'm reading I realize- "hey, this is Psalm 37!" It was a different version (the living version). I chuckled and thought, "Lord, you must really want me to get this!" I kept reading, past where I had read before, which was only to verse 7. The VERY NEXT VERSE, Verse 8 said- "Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper- it only leads to harm."

Now, if I had read that in the morning, and I may have, I totally didn't get it. It didn't get into my brain at all. Because it wasn't what God had for me at that time. Later on, when I needed to hear it, He took that SAME Psalm, and made it come alive by speaking to the concerns of my heart.

Is this not proof that His Word is living? Hebrews 4:12 says: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

I have been reading the Bible off and on for several years. Only recently have I prayed for and received a desire to want more from my relationship with Christ, and from His word. One of the blessings of being single is the ability to fall completely in love with Christ.

More and more He has opened my eyes to the subtle and not-so-subtle things He is trying to teach me. Somedays I notice how everything is connecting- the devotions I read in the morning, the ways I am able to encourage my friends, the bible studies I do with my church ladies...He is speaking to me!!!! I love it! I am so excited and passionate about Him.

So to those of you who are at your in-between-times, your stranded-in-the-desert-times, your day-between-the crucifixion-and-resurrection times--I'm right there with you. I have no idea what God is doing. I don't know why it feels like He is tarrying. But while I'm waiting, I'm remembering that He is always on time. I'm trying to rest and trust in Him. And He is rewarding me with greater intimacy with Him then I have ever known. For that, I am thankful.

To those who wonder why I do not yet have a job...I say this:
"was it not clear to you that my right place was in my Father's house?"

Repentance= a hopeful heart

Ok, so I am amazingly exhausted and should be going to bed. But I really felt that I needed to quickly blog about what I'm dealing with at the moment. It's a bit heavy.

I struggle with obsessiveness/addiction. When I read Twilight, it was ALL I could think about for nearly 2 months. I knew it was pretty silly. But I felt helpless against the pull of obsession. There has been many other addiction issues throughout my life- never drugs or anything like that. None was harmful in and of itself ("all things are permissible but not all things are beneficial" 1 Cor. 6:12) but when you become absorbed with something other than God, it's a sin. That becomes your "idol". And having an idol other than God is definitely frowned upon- it's one of the 12 commandments, so you know it's serious.

Right now the issue I'm struggling with is couponing. Well, not necessarily just couponing...I haven't bought 20 mustards or anything like you see on TV. But bargain shopping in general. I have come to enjoy and appreciate the bargain shopper's high more than I should. I KNOW better. I know I'm spending money that I shouldn't. But I just...can't...quit.

Today, for instance. I TOLD myself I would not go into Borders. But I was just so curious if they had made even increased discounts since they are closer to closing. So I went in. Now let me promise you, there really is nothing I need. SO my justification (funny how the brain so quickly assists us in finding a reason to do what we want to do anyways) is that I can stock up on Christmas/birthday presents. I mean, I will have to get those things eventually, and on sale? Even better!!!

But it's wrong. I'm certain of it. So why did I still buy something?! I did put a few things back, but still. What my mom pointed out, is that if the problem is an addiction, not just "planning ahead", eventually I'll be done with Christmas 2011, start on Easter, then next year's Christmas..etc. There is no end in sight because I will never be satisfied.

The scripture that comes to mind is "I want to do what is right, but I do not do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate..." Romans 7:15. I even thought to myself, I am a slave to this sin...but thank goodness the Holy Spirit reminded me that I have been bought at a price and am free, my flesh has been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. I am MORE than a conqueror through Christ. (!!!)

Tonight, dwelling more on the issue, the word that came to mind was REPENT. Stop, turn, go on your way. When the Lord met people who were in sin, he never whispered mean things at them, or spoke condemnation at them. He simply said, "go and sin no more" (John 8:11).

That's it. Just confess what you've done (which I've been doing all day!), seek His forgiveness, guidance and help, and turn around. Go the other way. I know that my God, who raised his Son from the dead, is more than capable to work through me to defeat this. And in every situation and temptation to come, that truth remains.

Our God is able. Who else is as merciful as He?

Let's be HONEST with ourselves- what are we putting before Him? What is on our minds and hearts continually? Repent.

P.S. If you see me shopping, please take my purse and run. Thank you. :) In all seriousness, I need some accountability, so feel free!

Grace bigger than we know

So tonight's blog is a little different. Usually I have a pretty good idea what I am going to write before I even sit down. Tonight, not so much. I have some unsettling thoughts regarding the treatment of Casey Anthony, and while I am kind of nauseated by all the attention the woman is getting, here she is, featured in my blog. Sigh.

So tonight on the radio, the DJ was discussing why everyone is so fascinated with her and this case. We are not ignorant enough to believe this is the only case of this nature. He said there has been at least 6 others this year in her county. So why her? Evidently she is reported to be the most hated person in America at the present. This, and the way everyone talks about her, ALL THE TIME, has bothered me, but I couldn't put a finger on why.

Then the DJ suggested something that gave me some insight: perhaps, as humans we are fascinated with these horrible people because they help us feel better about ourselves. "I may not be the best parent but I'm sure better than her!" Or on shows such as Hoarders or Extreme Couponers- "I may be disorganized but at least I don't have 100 cats, or live in garbage, or eat dirt, etc etc etc."

I hadn't thought about it from that perspective. It's true that most mocking is born out of insecurity. We put down others to feel better about ourselves, as a general rule.

But are we really morally superior to Casey Anthony because we aren't on a highly covered trial for murder?

In the book I am reading, Plan B by Pete Wilson, he describes it as "the list." In Luke 18:9-12, we can read the prayer of a Pharisee: "Lord, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get." You can visualize this man, puffing out his chest.

None of us admits to a list, or may not have ever consciously thought about it, but the list is there. You know, the sins that are really bad. The ones we don't ever commit. We point our fingers at the "bad" sins but overlook others.

Prideful is ok but just don't drink alcohol.

Greed is just fine, but don't be gay.

You can be unloving and stubborn, but don't ever think about having an abortion.

Please understand, I'm not advocating ANY of these sins. But having this list in our head, where we compare ourselves and come out winning, ultimately stunts growth spiritually.

"It's impossible to support and love one another if we can't admit the sins and struggles in our lives"- Pete Wilson, Plan B.

Recently I have been reading about Paul. He began his life as Saul, a super-educated, well-raised, well-to-do Pharisee. He is first found in the Bible as a supporter/participant in Stephen's stoning. He had the blood on his hands of many saints. He was bloodthirsty and self-righteous. He persecuted God's people, and consequently persecuted Christ. In spite of his past, he has a life-altering encounter with the Lord, does a complete turn around, and immediately begins to preach in the synagogues - saying "He is the Son of God." Acts 9:20

It is God's grace which enveloped and pardoned Saul, who was stoning and killing His children.

It is God's grace which welcomed the thief on the cross next to Jesus into Paradise.

And it is God's grace which is poured out onto each of us, every day, without us doing a thing to deserve it.

This same grace is big enough to cover Casey Anthony. We don't have to determine guilt. We don't have to know her heart.

Romans 3:23-25 says that "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus; whom God displayed publicly as a propitiation in His blood through faith. This was to demonstrate His righteousness, because in the forbearance of God He passed over the sins previously committed."

As followers of Christ, we are to allow Him to make us more like Himself.  When we speak about things such as this court ordeal with those who do not know Christ, we are to be set apart. We are to express His love. If bitter, volatile things about a person are spewing out, that doesn't bring Him honor.

He must increase, we must decrease.

Imperfection

Today was rough. I haven't gotten enough sleep this week, and that always sets back my coping skills. But for some reason, since Thursday I have been extra irritable. Today was the peak of the "crazy mena cussing Mommy" behavior. And there really isn't a legitimate cause, no PMS or anything to blame. I have been very unhappy with myself because of my short temper.

I pray. I listen to Christian music. Trying anything to get out of the funk. When you are a teenager with mood swings, you can go listen to Fiona Apple and take a bubble bath. But when you are a mom...it's not so easily cured. There are little people around you, constantly talking to you, touching you, and demanding your attention. I think it unsettles my kids when I'm in a bad mood, it kind of spreads onto them. They get anxious because they don't know what's going on and start getting more hyper and seeking negative attention. And I get more and more frustrated.

I hate this.

I don't want to be this way.

Lord, help me. Do you hear me? You say we can do all things with Your help...but I'm not doing well at this parenting thing at ALL right now!! There's nowhere to run. There's nowhere to hide. There's no one to call on but You. Help!

This is pretty much been my train of thought through the last few days.

Luckily, I'm not alone! Paul says in Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate I do."

It does bring some comfort that super-spiritual Paul was in the same boat. I was reminded that I am not expected to be perfect. I am rather young in this walk with Christ- why in the world would I think that I have "arrived"?? He still has tons to do to make me more like Him. Just because I'm closer now than I was five years ago doesn't mean it's smooth sailing from now on.

If my life was smooth and easy, I would be self-sufficient. I wouldn't need Him. I wouldn't need to call on His name for help a bazillion times like I did these last few days.

I wish people would stop saying "God will never give you more than you can handle/bear." This is found in Hallucinations 4:22. Seriously, it's NOT biblical. Not in His word, any where. Every example of individuals in His Word were given more than they in their lowly human state could handle, so that they would become fully dependent on Christ. Every person at one point or another will encounter that God frequently gives us more than we can bear. As a mom, most DAYS are more than I can bear. My life is really, really hard. And yet, it is nothing compared to many others. There are folks I know who are walking their preschoolers through cancer, or through rehabilitating from a spinal cord injury. People who have lost their job again after finally finding a new job. Millions are homeless from the tornadoes, unemployment, etc.

This world demands our dependence on Christ. And this brings Him glory.

Instead of pulling up my bootstraps and being tough, I bring Him glory by admitting just how much I need Him. I am helpless. I do not have any idea how to deal with my kids sometimes. None. I just want to cry. Yet somehow, He helps me through. And at the end of each day when they are sleeping in their beds, I remember just how much I love them, and just how sad I'm gonna be when they are grown.

I have to remember too; why would I beat myself up when Jesus, the only one fit to place judgement on me, has forgiven me so throughly? "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us. " (Ephesians 1:7-8)

At the end of the day, there is Jesus, there is me, He loves me, and has a plan for me. That's what I cling on to. Does anything else really matter?

This one goes out to my Mama!

Today I was talking about the world with my Mom. Specifically, how when really horrible things happen, it's hard to see God's purpose in it. It's easy to feel down, perhaps angry at God, and wonder what's next. I often feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop- if God could take my husband, why not something else? And yet, the fact remains that despite what WE see, He is the God who SEES and He loves us. He has a plan. I was listening to some music tonight, and I feel like these two songs say it better than I ever could. So Mom, this is all I got!


"How He Loves Us"- Jesusculture


He is jealous for me 
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree 
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy 
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory 
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. 
Oh, how He loves us so 
Oh, how He loves us 
How He loves us so. 

Yeah, He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves. 

So we are His portion and He is our prize, 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes 
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking 
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest 
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way 

That he loves us, 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves 

He loves us, 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves us 
Oh, how He loves 









"Your Love Never Fails"- Jesus Culture

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me 
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make, all things, work together for my good.