In the immediate year or so after Mike's death, I experienced a "honeymoon" period with God. He was all I had, and my relationship with Him became real and vibrant and life-giving at a time when I was heartbroken.
This was HUGE for me, because it was the relationship with Jesus I had always wanted and tried to have. The kind that I thought we were all supposed to have. I felt like I finally was where I was supposed to be, spiritually speaking. I was being nurtured in a lush garden of grace.
But (and you knew there was a but, didn't you?)... eventually I had to leave that place. I didn't want to. Who wants to leave paradise? Who wants to walk away from that? Not me! God, however, decided it was time for me to walk down the mountain and back into the wilderness. The dry, desert time. When everything seems harder. I know He is still there, but I just don't feel it. I still try to have devotional time every day...but the feel of His breath on my face is gone.
The old me, the "religious me" that refuses to accept grace thinks it's my fault. I got a job. I got a boyfriend. I became too busy. I've pushed the Lord to the side. I, I, I. Catch the trend? When things were good between Jesus and I in that "lush garden of grace", I felt like I walked in there, and it was my responsibility to stay there there.
Here's the thing: while we do have times we push the Lord to the side...it's not really all about us. Is He not able to take us through both the lush jungles and dry deserts? Does His love wane when we become busy? Can He not draw us tenderly back time and time again? Isn't HE the one in charge here?
He drew me near to His heart and carried me through the hardest experience in my life thus far. Life is made of seasons, though. That season was not intended to be a forever time...but to fill me and send me into the valley to minister to others. It became clear to me that I wasn't leaving room in my journey to accept the struggle. I want to be perfect, especially in my relationship with Christ. But I am His child, the responder to the relationship HE initiated.
Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's dry and crunchy. Sometimes I feel nothing. But I know. I KNOW: I still love Jesus, with all my heart. And isn't that what He really wants, anyways? Do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him (Micah 6:8). The Message version says it this way: don't take yourself too seriously, take God seriously.
Let's not take ourselves so seriously, eh? The verse at the top reminds me that He kindly loves us and Has compassion on us. He died for us when we were still sinners! WE can accept our struggles, because HE accepts our struggles!! Accept the dry and crunchy and keep walking forward to the next season. Who knows what He has around the bend??
