I'm guessing that because I write about things God is showing me, y'all may think I'm some kind of super-Christian. In fact, I wonder if when I'm on the mountaintop I believe that myself. When things are going well, I think we feel pretty good about ourselves. But I want to be clear: I am a wretch, a wreck, a mess. The fact that I can hear His voice at all is a blessing. The faith that I have is a gift from Him- I do my best to surrender and cultivate it, but I cannot take any responsibility for it's presence.
So I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening. :)
Tonight I watched "What To Expect When You're Expecting." I loved it and thought it was hysterical and moving at the same time. But during the labor scenes it really hit me that I am not at all living the script I had for my life. I had planned on graduating and becoming a women's health nurse. Labor and delivery, midwifery, low income families: that was my dream.
But then things changed. My husband died. Now I have to ( I get to! ) be there for my kids in a job designed for two. Things look a lot different than I could ever have planned. I realized that with Mike's death I also experienced a smaller death of something quieter: my dreams of the future. Although I wanted to see my dreams come to fruition sooner than later, I decided that it was better for me to invest in my kids full time than be a hospital nurse. And I've been so busy living each day I didn't realize that loss occurred.
Here's the cool thing: there really isn't a plan B as far as God is concerned. He's not surprised, and has me on the exact course I need to be. In fact, I love that He says when I do stumble off the path, He's actually holding onto my hand. (Psalm 37:24) Although the dreams I had for myself seem delayed or finished, He never delays giving me what I need. I can rest securely in the fact that He will heal and restore.
But for a time in the theater, I grieved a little bit over that loss. Sometimes my faith gets shaken up a bit. Sometimes I wonder why I have to wait to do the things I feel so passionate about. And I love that I can feel all those emotions, the confusion, the weight of life, and just be honest with Him. I can sit at His feet and tell Him how forgotten and lost I feel sometimes, and it's ok. It gives Him a chance to remind me who He is and who I am.
Don't be afraid to be honest with God when things get a little shaky. He wants to remind you He's holding you up anyways.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Choose well.
The world we live in is a beautiful creation. Everything we are tempted by, wanting to have, to be, to do is something good when it stands on it's own. "Pleasure, money, power, and safety are all, as far as they go, good things. The badness consists in pursuing them by the wrong method, or in the wrong way, or too much." (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)
Of course we are tempted by these things that look good. God made everything and said it was good, right? (Gen. 1:31) And God puts parameters on when/how/why we use them instead of being controlled by them. These parameters are spelled out in His word, the Bible. We often get hung up on the rules and try to not break them, which of course we then do anyways. When the focus of our heart is on performance instead of the love relationship we have with Jesus, it's nearly impossible to be well.
But when the focus of my heart is Christ and He helps me understand WHY the rules exist, it makes following them something I want to do instead of feeling like I have to do. God gives us rules to help us live a peaceful life. They are for our protection and well-being. When we steal, gossip, commit murder, or lust after someone we shouldn't, we rob ourselves of peace. Following His guidelines gives us life and freedom!
He says He'll never put anything heavy or ill-fitting on us. That by walking with Him we can learn to live freely and lightly (Matthew 11:28-30). If you ask people whether they believe that is true of God, my guess is they'll say no. Some see God as the harsh rule-maker in the sky, enjoying setting the bar high and watching us fail. Perhaps they haven't walked with Him and allowed Him to show them how freely and lightly they can live by following His teachings.
The example that helps me best understand the heart behind the rules is in regards to sex before marriage. When we're young we're simply taught not to. God says no. But as I've grown up I am able to understand why. Is there anything more beautiful and like Jesus than putting another before your own pleasure? Honoring someone else above yourself? "I'm not going to do that because he/she is too important to me to use in a way that will give me temporary happiness but cause them lasting trouble." There are risky emotional and physical consequences of being intimate with someone that is not your spouse. The devil takes something that is a good thing that God created- sex- and helps us diminish the importance of using it God's way. The beauty in complete purity going into a marriage is purposed by God for a reason. And when we follow His words, we are the ones who receive great joy; we are the ones who benefit.
Of course sometimes they seem like unreachable standards. I depend on Him every hour when dealing with certain struggles. (Actually when dealing with everything...!) I can't be holy or perfect on my own. But it helps me to lean into God and want to choose well when I understand the reasons He directs me in certain ways.
He's always in our corner. He's always on our side. He wants the best for us. He will work all things for our good (Romans 8:28) but that doesn't mean He can wipe out all the consequences we have to experience based on our choices. Our past does affect our future. We are forgiven, but retain the scars of wounds self-afflicted.
Let's choose well. The days are short, too short to choose to wear heavy, ill-fitting stuff when the God of all creation wants us to live the kingdom life now, freely and lightly.
Of course we are tempted by these things that look good. God made everything and said it was good, right? (Gen. 1:31) And God puts parameters on when/how/why we use them instead of being controlled by them. These parameters are spelled out in His word, the Bible. We often get hung up on the rules and try to not break them, which of course we then do anyways. When the focus of our heart is on performance instead of the love relationship we have with Jesus, it's nearly impossible to be well.
But when the focus of my heart is Christ and He helps me understand WHY the rules exist, it makes following them something I want to do instead of feeling like I have to do. God gives us rules to help us live a peaceful life. They are for our protection and well-being. When we steal, gossip, commit murder, or lust after someone we shouldn't, we rob ourselves of peace. Following His guidelines gives us life and freedom!
He says He'll never put anything heavy or ill-fitting on us. That by walking with Him we can learn to live freely and lightly (Matthew 11:28-30). If you ask people whether they believe that is true of God, my guess is they'll say no. Some see God as the harsh rule-maker in the sky, enjoying setting the bar high and watching us fail. Perhaps they haven't walked with Him and allowed Him to show them how freely and lightly they can live by following His teachings.
The example that helps me best understand the heart behind the rules is in regards to sex before marriage. When we're young we're simply taught not to. God says no. But as I've grown up I am able to understand why. Is there anything more beautiful and like Jesus than putting another before your own pleasure? Honoring someone else above yourself? "I'm not going to do that because he/she is too important to me to use in a way that will give me temporary happiness but cause them lasting trouble." There are risky emotional and physical consequences of being intimate with someone that is not your spouse. The devil takes something that is a good thing that God created- sex- and helps us diminish the importance of using it God's way. The beauty in complete purity going into a marriage is purposed by God for a reason. And when we follow His words, we are the ones who receive great joy; we are the ones who benefit.
Of course sometimes they seem like unreachable standards. I depend on Him every hour when dealing with certain struggles. (Actually when dealing with everything...!) I can't be holy or perfect on my own. But it helps me to lean into God and want to choose well when I understand the reasons He directs me in certain ways.
He's always in our corner. He's always on our side. He wants the best for us. He will work all things for our good (Romans 8:28) but that doesn't mean He can wipe out all the consequences we have to experience based on our choices. Our past does affect our future. We are forgiven, but retain the scars of wounds self-afflicted.
Let's choose well. The days are short, too short to choose to wear heavy, ill-fitting stuff when the God of all creation wants us to live the kingdom life now, freely and lightly.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Some stuff they don't tell you about being a widow...
Actually...no one really tells you anything about being a widow when you're in your 20s. It doesn't really come up much in conversation. And as much as I would appreciate a "Being a widow for dummies" book, I have yet to find it at Barnes & Noble. So pretty much you just have to figure things out as you go.
I will say that I have had input from many people who have guided me along the way. Fellow sojourners on this path, as well as caring friends and neighbors. And Jesus himself, through the Holy Spirit, has led me by hand through it all. In fact, my walking through the critical moments at the hospital was all Him, as far as I can tell.
But here's some things I feel like sharing to let you into my world a bit. Brace yourselves!
*People treat you differently. Some treat you with sadness or fear of your pain. Some women appear to hold their husbands tighter. Some men act wary of your intentions. You become "that woman" looking for a "good man" to raise your kids. Look, y'all...I'm not interested. Just sayin.
*At an age where you should be in groups consisting of couples with children...you don't really fit there anymore. You don't fit with the traditional widows either, even though they have a wealth of wisdom to offer. I've finally found a great group where I don't feel so out of place...but if I'm being completely honest I will admit there is that feeling sometimes that something is missing. Of course there is, my other half.
*I depend heavily on friends, family and my church. For so many things. Help with house stuff, with the kids, emotional support, laughter. And sometimes it's hard for me to ask for help. Don't assume that a widow will always ask for help. Don't assume they will come to you when they are hurting. Check in with them.
*I worry sometimes about the lack of time with Godly men my kiddos get. I'm afraid to ask those around me to give up time they need to spend with their own families. Big brother/big sister is hard to get into. I have no good answer for this...but I do know God is the father to the fatherless.
*I enjoy being single. No, really! I have a great appreciation for being able to focus all of my heart on God. I don't have to serve a man, only my Jesus. I've grown so much spiritually because I've been able to have time to be with Him. And there's never any arguments around here!!
*Yet, there's never any arguments around here. Get it? Sometimes it'd be better to have someone to bicker with than be completely alone. It gets a lil lonely. (Yes, I know the kids are here, and God..but..it's a different kind of alone.)
*I have to choose between time with my kids and working. This is a choice with heavier consequences because there is no other parent to pour time and love into them if I do work. For now, God has blessed me with the ability to not work, and to be there for them 100%. I am beyond thankful for that. But we have to sacrifice a lot of things and activities because of our limited income. I don't mind too much. :)
*Grief sucks. It just does. You think you've worked everything out and then God reveals just how completely broken you still are. Or certain things will pop back and break your heart all over again. My hubby's death was particularly traumatic...so while I try to keep all the memories stuffed in a box, that proves to be a rather unhelpful method for healing.
*When you've lost someone...someone who technically, according to God, you were one with... well what the heck am I now? A half? How do I reclaim the half I 'lost'? All I know is He's told me He will make me new, and He keeps His promises. I hate the moments when I still feel like a half of a whole, but I have faith that someday I will be complete again.
*I have to make a lot of decisions I don't want to make. Spiritually, financially, you name it. I'm the girl in charge. Sometimes it's convenient, I suppose, to not have to try and compromise over things. But I sure am not looking forward to all the "birds and the bees" talk with my son. Not at all!
*Everyone depends on me! 2 kids, 2 cats, 1 dog. They ALL depend on me. I whined and struggled with that one a lot at first. It's really exhausting!! But like anything else, you learn to deal with it. What are the options? Just keep walking forward.
*I seriously struggle with the idea of remarriage. Ever. I understand all the biblical stuff regarding it. But I cannot imagine going through that again. That's one big difference between being widowed and divorced...when you get divorced, you can hope you find someone that you are more compatible with, that treats you well, so that you will not have to go through all that again. Death is a promise. Unless Jesus comes back first...which isn't totally out of the question. But as one of my fave artists John Davis says, "everybody's gotta die, as sure as they're born." So I have a 50% chance of going through this again. (Other 50% is I die first. Which then the other person hurts so that's no good either!) Is the benefit of marriage and companionship worth the living hell of watching someone die? As of yet I can't say it is.
In short, I am thankful for what I've learned through all this...for the closeness with Jesus from it...for the way life is prioritized differently now....but I'm still knee deep in the healing process. It's a bumpy road. I don't expect to become used to my "new normal" for quite some time. "I'm in repair...I'm not together but I'm getting there." (John Mayer)
Thank you to those of you that have come alongside me and the kids to support us through this. I hope we can be a blessing to you as well!
I will say that I have had input from many people who have guided me along the way. Fellow sojourners on this path, as well as caring friends and neighbors. And Jesus himself, through the Holy Spirit, has led me by hand through it all. In fact, my walking through the critical moments at the hospital was all Him, as far as I can tell.
But here's some things I feel like sharing to let you into my world a bit. Brace yourselves!
*People treat you differently. Some treat you with sadness or fear of your pain. Some women appear to hold their husbands tighter. Some men act wary of your intentions. You become "that woman" looking for a "good man" to raise your kids. Look, y'all...I'm not interested. Just sayin.
*At an age where you should be in groups consisting of couples with children...you don't really fit there anymore. You don't fit with the traditional widows either, even though they have a wealth of wisdom to offer. I've finally found a great group where I don't feel so out of place...but if I'm being completely honest I will admit there is that feeling sometimes that something is missing. Of course there is, my other half.
*I depend heavily on friends, family and my church. For so many things. Help with house stuff, with the kids, emotional support, laughter. And sometimes it's hard for me to ask for help. Don't assume that a widow will always ask for help. Don't assume they will come to you when they are hurting. Check in with them.
*I worry sometimes about the lack of time with Godly men my kiddos get. I'm afraid to ask those around me to give up time they need to spend with their own families. Big brother/big sister is hard to get into. I have no good answer for this...but I do know God is the father to the fatherless.
*I enjoy being single. No, really! I have a great appreciation for being able to focus all of my heart on God. I don't have to serve a man, only my Jesus. I've grown so much spiritually because I've been able to have time to be with Him. And there's never any arguments around here!!
*Yet, there's never any arguments around here. Get it? Sometimes it'd be better to have someone to bicker with than be completely alone. It gets a lil lonely. (Yes, I know the kids are here, and God..but..it's a different kind of alone.)
*I have to choose between time with my kids and working. This is a choice with heavier consequences because there is no other parent to pour time and love into them if I do work. For now, God has blessed me with the ability to not work, and to be there for them 100%. I am beyond thankful for that. But we have to sacrifice a lot of things and activities because of our limited income. I don't mind too much. :)
*Grief sucks. It just does. You think you've worked everything out and then God reveals just how completely broken you still are. Or certain things will pop back and break your heart all over again. My hubby's death was particularly traumatic...so while I try to keep all the memories stuffed in a box, that proves to be a rather unhelpful method for healing.
*When you've lost someone...someone who technically, according to God, you were one with... well what the heck am I now? A half? How do I reclaim the half I 'lost'? All I know is He's told me He will make me new, and He keeps His promises. I hate the moments when I still feel like a half of a whole, but I have faith that someday I will be complete again.
*I have to make a lot of decisions I don't want to make. Spiritually, financially, you name it. I'm the girl in charge. Sometimes it's convenient, I suppose, to not have to try and compromise over things. But I sure am not looking forward to all the "birds and the bees" talk with my son. Not at all!
*Everyone depends on me! 2 kids, 2 cats, 1 dog. They ALL depend on me. I whined and struggled with that one a lot at first. It's really exhausting!! But like anything else, you learn to deal with it. What are the options? Just keep walking forward.
*I seriously struggle with the idea of remarriage. Ever. I understand all the biblical stuff regarding it. But I cannot imagine going through that again. That's one big difference between being widowed and divorced...when you get divorced, you can hope you find someone that you are more compatible with, that treats you well, so that you will not have to go through all that again. Death is a promise. Unless Jesus comes back first...which isn't totally out of the question. But as one of my fave artists John Davis says, "everybody's gotta die, as sure as they're born." So I have a 50% chance of going through this again. (Other 50% is I die first. Which then the other person hurts so that's no good either!) Is the benefit of marriage and companionship worth the living hell of watching someone die? As of yet I can't say it is.
In short, I am thankful for what I've learned through all this...for the closeness with Jesus from it...for the way life is prioritized differently now....but I'm still knee deep in the healing process. It's a bumpy road. I don't expect to become used to my "new normal" for quite some time. "I'm in repair...I'm not together but I'm getting there." (John Mayer)
Thank you to those of you that have come alongside me and the kids to support us through this. I hope we can be a blessing to you as well!
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