Sometimes my faith falters.

I'm guessing that because I write about things God is showing me, y'all may think I'm some kind of super-Christian. In fact, I wonder if when I'm on the mountaintop I believe that myself. When things are going well, I think we feel pretty good about ourselves. But I want to be clear: I am a wretch, a wreck, a mess. The fact that I can hear His voice at all is a blessing. The faith that I have is a gift from Him- I do my best to surrender and cultivate it, but I cannot take any responsibility for it's presence.

So I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening. :)

Tonight I watched "What To Expect When You're Expecting."  I loved it and thought it was hysterical and moving at the same time. But during the labor scenes it really hit me that I am not at all living the script I had for my life. I had planned on graduating and becoming a women's health nurse. Labor and delivery, midwifery, low income families: that was my dream.

But then things changed. My husband died. Now I have to ( I get to! ) be there for my kids in a job designed for two. Things look a lot different than I could ever have planned. I realized that with Mike's death I also experienced a smaller death of something quieter: my dreams of the future. Although I wanted to see my dreams come to fruition sooner than later, I decided that it was better for me to invest in my kids full time than be a hospital nurse. And I've been so busy living each day I didn't realize that loss occurred.

Here's the cool thing: there really isn't a plan B as far as God is concerned. He's not surprised, and has me on the exact course I need to be. In fact, I love that He says when I do stumble off the path, He's actually holding onto my hand. (Psalm 37:24) Although the dreams I had for myself seem delayed or finished, He never delays giving me what I need. I can rest securely in the fact that He will heal and restore.

But for a time in the theater, I grieved a little bit over that loss. Sometimes my faith gets shaken up a bit. Sometimes I wonder why I have to wait to do the things I feel so passionate about. And I love that I can feel all those emotions, the confusion, the weight of life, and just be honest with Him. I can sit at His feet and tell Him how forgotten and lost I feel sometimes, and it's ok. It gives Him a chance to remind me who He is and who I am.

Don't be afraid to be honest with God when things get a little shaky. He wants to remind you He's holding you up anyways.