Some stuff they don't tell you about being a widow...

Actually...no one really tells you anything about being a widow when you're in your 20s. It doesn't really come up much in conversation. And as much as I would appreciate a "Being a widow for dummies" book, I have yet to find it at Barnes & Noble. So pretty much you just have to figure things out as you go.

I will say that I have had input from many people who have guided me along the way. Fellow sojourners on this path, as well as caring friends and neighbors. And Jesus himself, through the Holy Spirit, has led me by hand through it all. In fact, my walking through the critical moments at the hospital was all Him, as far as I can tell.

But here's some things I feel like sharing to let you into my world a bit. Brace yourselves!

*People treat you differently. Some treat you with sadness or fear of your pain. Some women appear to hold their husbands tighter. Some men act wary of your intentions. You become "that woman" looking for a "good man" to raise your kids. Look, y'all...I'm not interested. Just sayin.

*At an age where you should be in groups consisting of couples with children...you don't really fit there anymore. You don't fit with the traditional widows either, even though they have a wealth of wisdom to offer. I've finally found a great group where I don't feel so out of place...but if I'm being completely honest I will admit there is that feeling sometimes that something is missing. Of course there is, my other half.

*I depend heavily on friends, family and my church. For so many things. Help with house stuff, with the kids, emotional support, laughter. And sometimes it's hard for me to ask for help. Don't assume that a widow will always ask for help. Don't assume they will come to you when they are hurting. Check in with them.

*I worry sometimes about the lack of time with Godly men my kiddos get. I'm afraid to ask those around me to give up time they need to spend with their own families. Big brother/big sister is hard to get into. I have no good answer for this...but I do know God is the father to the fatherless.

*I enjoy being single. No, really! I have a great appreciation for being able to focus all of my heart on God. I don't have to serve a man, only my Jesus. I've grown so much spiritually because I've been able to have time to be with Him. And there's never any arguments around here!!

*Yet, there's never any arguments around here. Get it? Sometimes it'd be better to have someone to bicker with than be completely alone. It gets a lil lonely. (Yes, I know the kids are here, and God..but..it's a different kind of alone.)

*I have to choose between time with my kids and working. This is a choice with heavier consequences because there is no other parent to pour time and love into them if I do work. For now, God has blessed me with the ability to not work, and to be there for them 100%. I am beyond thankful for that. But we have to sacrifice a lot of things and activities because of our limited income. I don't mind too much. :)

*Grief sucks. It just does. You think you've worked everything out and then God reveals just how completely broken you still are. Or certain things will pop back and break your heart all over again. My hubby's death was particularly traumatic...so while I try to keep all the memories stuffed in a box, that proves to be a rather unhelpful method for healing.

*When you've lost someone...someone who technically, according to God, you were one with... well what the heck am I now? A half? How do I reclaim the half I 'lost'? All I know is He's told me He will make me new, and He keeps His promises. I hate the moments when I still feel like a half of a whole, but I have faith that someday I will be complete again.

*I have to make a lot of decisions I don't want to make. Spiritually, financially, you name it. I'm the girl in charge. Sometimes it's convenient, I suppose, to not have to try and compromise over things. But I sure am not looking forward to all the "birds and the bees" talk with my son. Not at all!

*Everyone depends on me! 2 kids, 2 cats, 1 dog. They ALL depend on me. I whined and struggled with that one a lot at first. It's really exhausting!! But like anything else, you learn to deal with it. What are the options? Just keep walking forward.

*I seriously struggle with the idea of remarriage. Ever. I understand all the biblical stuff regarding it. But I cannot imagine going through that again. That's one big difference between being widowed and divorced...when you get divorced, you can hope you find someone that you are more compatible with, that treats you well, so that you will not have to go through all that again. Death is a promise. Unless Jesus comes back first...which isn't totally out of the question. But as one of my fave artists John Davis says, "everybody's gotta die, as sure as they're born." So I have a 50% chance of going through this again. (Other 50% is I die first. Which then the other person hurts so that's no good either!) Is the benefit of marriage and companionship worth the living hell of watching someone die? As of yet I can't say it is.


In short, I am thankful for what I've learned through all this...for the closeness with Jesus from it...for the way life is prioritized differently now....but I'm still knee deep in the healing process. It's a bumpy road. I don't expect to become used to my "new normal" for quite some time. "I'm in repair...I'm not together but I'm getting there." (John Mayer)

Thank you to those of you that have come alongside me and the kids to support us through this. I hope we can be a blessing to you as well!