Over the past year, I felt I had gotten lost. So many changes happening quickly: events, traveling, home repairs, parenting challenges. I started my first nursing job 2 years ago this month. And though I enjoy being a nurse, if I'm not careful it quietly sucks the life out of me. I got married in June of this year, which is a praise but also a HUGE change. Consequently, I had the opportunity to learn how to be a parent to another child. It's been CRAZY up in here. As a coping mechanism, I became numb, absorbed into my life, like a sponge soaks up water. I wasn't present. I wasn't experiencing life, I was just watching it like a movie. So a few months ago I held my hands up and said "WHOA!" I had to take a step back and re-evaluate what was happening...because I was experiencing super duper burn out, and some pretty heavy depression.
I began the hard job of introspection. Remembering what I liked...what gave me life and energy, what made me laugh, what made me cry. I started trying to do something physically active every day off work- yoga, walking, just something. I tried to spend at least a few minutes in prayer- reading, singing, trying to hear God. Being still, being present.
Every once in awhile, I find something, like a note I've written in my bible, or a song, and I'll think...this is significant. This is a breadcrumb I've dropped on my journey, and in finding it I begin to grasp where I am going. Who I am.
Does anyone ever get lost on purpose? I don't believe we do. It happens slowly, one turn here, another there. Allowing others to make decisions for us. Distractions from the enemy. Eventually, we begin to recognize we aren't in a place we like. It's scary, foreign, and not where we want to be. And by the power of God we are able to turn around. The courage to turn around and rebuild ourselves is tough...yet I believe the toughest part is finding our way back. How can we begin? We look for the breadcrumbs to find our way back. One, by one, they come slowly. But they help us rebuild who we were, who we still are deep down, and who we want to be. They help us find our way HOME.
If you're feeling stuck...lost...in the entangling grip of depression and apathy- put on your shoes and go for a walk. Fresh air helps, people. I promise. Then sit and be still- and let God show you a breadcrumb. Let him help you find the clues to get back to a safe place. It is a tough journey...but you are never alone. True story.
**To all my friends who are my breadcrumbs- that remind me who I am when I can't remember, that speak God's truth over me...you are invaluable to me. I love you.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
I Am Edmund
Winter is wreaking havoc on us this year. I am thankful for some snow days (snow week!), but to be perfectly honest, this cold just ain't my style.
In the interest of enjoying our wintery down time, we watched Narnia as a family this weekend. Though I detested reading and journaling on the series of books in 4th grade, I really like the movies. :) The movie just brings everything to life and I am captivated!
While watching it, I said to no one in particular, "Ugh, Edmund is the worst. I can't stand him! So selfish and foolish and easily bought. And that annoying little smirk on his face. Sigh." So then my intelligent boyfriend begins to explain that Edmund represents this or that in the story (Judas, I think he said), etc..
I know. I know. Still don't like him. My response really should've been a sign to me. But I digress.
This morning I'm sitting here, thinking about all of us trapped in sins we can't seem to get free of. Thinking about what grace looks like when our hands are stained, when we've been found guilty the 7th, 8th, 20th time. Is God just a big pushover to forgive us every time? Then Aslan and Edmund and Narnia popped in my head. (Thank you, Lord, for using Disney movies to slap me upside the head. Seriously.)
I pictured Edmund's face when he realized that he was caught in betrayal over "sweeties", that death itself was the consequence. He could not make any excuses- he was stuck, ashamed and embarrassed. I remembered the look on Aslan's face when he regarded Edmund: no anger or condescension to be found. He came out of the tent after debating with the white witch and his expression showed love, sadness, and resolution.
He didn't scold Edmund. He didn't correct him. They both were well aware of what had been done, of who had done the betraying, and what the cost was. Yet without any hesitation, the deal was struck to trade a spotless life for his. For EDMUND! For the snarky little boy I don't like who gave up his whole family AND the mighty lion Aslan for Turkish Delight! Seems a little extra generous when you look at it that way. However, the boyfriend is correct- C.S. Lewis intends the story to symbolize a greater one.
How many times have I sinned and been declared guilty by the accuser in front of the throne of God? How many times have I been seduced by cookies and gotten a tummy ache? How often has satan had the right to bind me and throw me in the pit, based on the law of sin and death? Perhaps that is why Edmund gets under my skin so much- he and I, we're the same. I want him to be better, to do better, to not be so stupid! These are things I think to myself as well when I choose poorly.
Yet when I come before my Lord, God/Jesus/Aslan regards me...I'm found fully guilty, completely ashamed of messing up again, without an excuse, unable to blame another...and his face is full of love, sadness, and resolution. He beholds the state I'm in and roars "it is FINISHED!" Let us rejoice.
John 3:17 "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but the the world might be saved through Him."
In the interest of enjoying our wintery down time, we watched Narnia as a family this weekend. Though I detested reading and journaling on the series of books in 4th grade, I really like the movies. :) The movie just brings everything to life and I am captivated!
While watching it, I said to no one in particular, "Ugh, Edmund is the worst. I can't stand him! So selfish and foolish and easily bought. And that annoying little smirk on his face. Sigh." So then my intelligent boyfriend begins to explain that Edmund represents this or that in the story (Judas, I think he said), etc..
I know. I know. Still don't like him. My response really should've been a sign to me. But I digress.
This morning I'm sitting here, thinking about all of us trapped in sins we can't seem to get free of. Thinking about what grace looks like when our hands are stained, when we've been found guilty the 7th, 8th, 20th time. Is God just a big pushover to forgive us every time? Then Aslan and Edmund and Narnia popped in my head. (Thank you, Lord, for using Disney movies to slap me upside the head. Seriously.)
I pictured Edmund's face when he realized that he was caught in betrayal over "sweeties", that death itself was the consequence. He could not make any excuses- he was stuck, ashamed and embarrassed. I remembered the look on Aslan's face when he regarded Edmund: no anger or condescension to be found. He came out of the tent after debating with the white witch and his expression showed love, sadness, and resolution.
He didn't scold Edmund. He didn't correct him. They both were well aware of what had been done, of who had done the betraying, and what the cost was. Yet without any hesitation, the deal was struck to trade a spotless life for his. For EDMUND! For the snarky little boy I don't like who gave up his whole family AND the mighty lion Aslan for Turkish Delight! Seems a little extra generous when you look at it that way. However, the boyfriend is correct- C.S. Lewis intends the story to symbolize a greater one.
How many times have I sinned and been declared guilty by the accuser in front of the throne of God? How many times have I been seduced by cookies and gotten a tummy ache? How often has satan had the right to bind me and throw me in the pit, based on the law of sin and death? Perhaps that is why Edmund gets under my skin so much- he and I, we're the same. I want him to be better, to do better, to not be so stupid! These are things I think to myself as well when I choose poorly.
Yet when I come before my Lord, God/Jesus/Aslan regards me...I'm found fully guilty, completely ashamed of messing up again, without an excuse, unable to blame another...and his face is full of love, sadness, and resolution. He beholds the state I'm in and roars "it is FINISHED!" Let us rejoice.
John 3:17 "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but the the world might be saved through Him."
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