Enjoy life!

At church this past Sunday, we watched a video clip of 'Christian-ese.' You know what I'm talking about, the lingo Christians use so very often. I laughed hard because I've said half the things in that short clip! "...hold me accountable...small group...guard your heart...secular music...intense fellowship"

When I was doing my "quiet time" yesterday this Christian-ese phrase gave me pause: "be in the world, not of the world." Now, I know what you're saying: but it's Biblical. And I know there is a very valid point behind the words that were said. But here's the thing: followers of Jesus follow Jesus. Our role here is to imitate Him. 

And before you say I'm "going down a bad path" or I "need someone to hold me accountable", let's dig through this together.

Jesus walked, talked, ate, and drank with sinners- everyday people like you and I. "He was so much in the ordinary world that the religious people of His day called Him a glutton..." (Oswald Chambers). He didn't cut himself off from everyone. He wasn't reclusive. He interacted with whomever was in His path. But internally, inwardly, he was constantly in another world. His primary focus was on the relationship between Himself and His Father. Nothing got between Him and His Dad.

We should never allow anything to come between us and the source of our "muchness" (thank you Alice in Wonderland for that word...). The problem we run into, I believe, is when we feel that to maintain that internal relationship, we must externally avoid everything else. We hide in our comfortable Christian circles, events, groups, etc. We isolate. We exclude. We lose valuable opportunities to share the joy of our Lord. 

And while I do agree we shouldn't deliberately place ourselves in situations where we will be tempted to lose our focus on Christ, I think we're missing the freedom of simply living. We lose the fullness of life by restricting ourselves and trying SO hard to be holy! When we go moment to moment fully dependent on God to direct each step, abiding in Him; when we dare to let go and enjoy our short time here, we can become a part of a community where He is the center. 

We can enjoy this life, this Earth. It was created by Him and called good! "In, not of" doesn't mean hide in a hut until He returns. I believe we can follow His example and enjoy the blessings He's given us while we're here. 

Let your spirit be open to His leading. His correction, His guidance, and also opening yourself up to accepting the blessings He gives. To follow Him even into a place that seems outside your comfort zone. We can learn to maintain a close relationship with Him internally without becoming fearful and reclusive. 

As for me? I want to be a girl of another world who actually participates in this one. What are your thoughts?

I'm thankful for a possibility of a possibility...

Today we sit back and reflect on what it means to be thankful, and what we are thankful for. Some years it's harder than others to find that "silver lining." We all go through tough times. But I'm feeling richly blessed right now.

This year I have quite a bit to be thankful for. 
*I have the love, forgiveness, and patience of an amazing God who never quits on me and is always working out good things for me.
*I have a family that loves each other, with enough dysfunction to keep it interesting.
*I have two amazing kiddos that remind me each day of how awesome and creative God is!
*I have plenty of food and water, and the knowledge to cook/bake to make said food yummy.
*I have a community of friends that walk alongside me, encourage me, and make me laugh. Their support is priceless.
*I have a home, with water, electricity, and plumbing. It's cozy and warm and it's affordable.
*I (almost) have a job that will challenge me to grow and allow me to care for people.
*I can read, sing, and dance. And I can laugh at myself when I dance.
*I have a closet full of clothes and shoes.

I need nothing, He has supplied all my needs. It's true!

And there just happens to be something else that is causing me to give thanks to the Lord. Something that wasn't anticipated. Have you ever been so surprised by something unplanned that it takes you a bit to figure out exactly what's happening? Maybe that's just me...but I digress.

Nearly three years ago, I lost a husband. I was pretty insistent that I would never date/marry again. There was talks of becoming a nun. The pain was absolutely and completely horrible; why on Earth would I ever place myself in a position to go through that again?!?!

Then over the course of this past year, God began to thaw out my heart. It was a slow process, sometimes painful, but He began to put little suggestions in my heart, creating a place for a possibility to grow again. He asked for my trust, not in another man, but in what comes from His hand, and I gave it. (Not without digging my heels in a little bit.)

God slowly turned a friendship into something more, only somewhat surprising me :) and definitely surprising the beaux. This morning during my quiet time, I recognized that I still had some lingering fears.

And He asked me again to simply trust Him. To accept the blessing. (Knoxlifers- receive the biscuits!!) When God gives us a gift, why does it seem so hard to accept it? We're so afraid, so tentative, wanting to avoid anything that could cause pain. Yes, being vulnerable to Him, to love, can mean that we may be hurt someday. Regardless, protecting myself from any possible pain denies Him the one thing He requests: my heart. He wants my trust. To believe that He will give me what I need, and what is best for me, and that I can let go of my fears and fall into His arms of love.

I can trust Him. He is God, my Abba, and He adores me. He gives me good things. Regardless of the outcome, for now He is growing me through this new development with my handsome friend (Who also happens to be a great kisser. Just saying. )

Fall into HIM today. His love is strong. He deserves our whole hearts, and our trust.

Receiving gracefully

My intent in writing this blog has always been to share my journey and love for God with readers. I use the word journey specifically because I am learning (slowly) to embrace the process of growth...and not just long for the end point when I'm "complete." I hope it gives you a chuckle from time to time, and that maybe, just maybe, you can relate.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. I have to say, I've missed it. I've missed communicating the craziness that happens in my life, I've missed your responses, and I've missed the filling up and pouring out of Jesus through this blog.

What I've been taught over the last few days is the beauty of receiving. For some of us, receiving things, whether it be gifts, compliments, or help, comes very naturally. For some people it's quite a struggle. I fall in between those two extremes somewhere: until you get to the receiving of God's grace. That one I really fight sometimes.

WHY?

Why is it often so simple to accept a gift from a friend, or help with house repairs, and yet the most beautiful, free, un-earnable gift is so difficult to accept?

One of the things I love most about Jesus, and find most perplexing, is that nothing is ever forced. Every thing He ever does is offered. Placed before us. We are always given the choice. Even the rich young ruler in Matthew 19:16. He asked Jesus- "What am I still lacking?" and Jesus gave him the answer: "sell your possessions...and come, follow me." This part gets me, though- the man went away grieving, likely because he didn't feel he could do that, and JESUS LET HIM.

How many of us could do that? How many of us could offer a priceless gift that we knew would really help someone more than anything else, and let them refuse it and walk away? That is exactly what He does.

I have been RIDICULOUSLY stressed lately: feeling the burden of my daily chores, of life. Feeling like I'm climbing a muddy hill and I keep sliding backwards- all my efforts seem in vain. Burdened, exhausted, and getting nowhere.

I realized my heart attitude was rotten. When I spent time worshipping God, and letting Him fill my heart with joy and change the lens with which I saw my chores, I was able to literally feel the weight lift. I felt peace. I realized that I can choose to do all things unto the Lord (Colossians 3). OR I can choose to keep my negative, burdened, overwhelmed attitude. He offers peace. I can choose to receive it. YES PLEASE!! I receive the joy of being your child. I receive Your peace.

John 1:12 says to all who received Him....He gave the right to become children of God.

He'll never force His way. He's too much of a gentleman for that. Instead, Jesus will offer us Himself...and all the gifts that come from abiding with Him. The choice to receive is always up to us.

Lord, please help me to always gracefully receive all that comes from Your hand, because I know You offer Your very best to me in love.

Getting my priorities straight

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged! Yikes! Life has been pretty crazy, with a whole lot of upheaval and change over here. Quick update: I may finally be beginning a job as a nurse soon, one of my children started a new school, and I went on a mission trip to Jamaica (which was AWEsome!).

During all this chaos, I began to realize just how out of control my life has gotten. Yes, we're still eating regularly and paying the bills. But in general, there are a lot of aspects of my life that I've let go. So I'm slowly beginning to get things "together" again. Life as a single parent is tough. No doubt about it. I have to set some clear priorities. I have to say no to some things, like parties or extracurricular activities. I have to say yes to some things, like getting more sleep and being "all there" when I'm with my kids. I haven't mastered any of these, not nearly, but I'm on a journey to becoming the person I'd like to be.

The thing I realized which shapes these priorities the most is being fully aware of God's love and His supernatural ability to hold ME together.

I've finally gotten to a place where I feel completely adored by Jesus, and I'm pretty smitten with Him myself. When I let that love lead and guide me, I am able to be patient with myself and let Him help me get my priorities straight. Again, I'm never even close to perfect...but when I think about how much He loves me, I don't care! Each day is a new day to walk alongside Him, knowing that if I fall, He is holding on tight. He'll dust me off and we will continue on together. I'm embracing the journey. It's all the little things on the way to where we're going that make us who we are. Not the destination.

the Lord, myself, and hope

It's been a bit since I've posted anything, and I've got some ideas bouncing around in my head...but for now, I have scattered ponderings. Here ya go!

"And the strictness of the rejection that He demands of me allows for nothing to remain in my life but my Lord, myself, and a sense of desperate hope. He says that I must let everyone else come or go, and that I must be guided solely by my relationship to Him." (Oswald Chambers)

...my Lord, myself, and hope. Let everyone else come and/or go....

Recently I've been aware of how easily I become consumed by other people's difficulties. I attempt to help them by taking on their burden, which was never really meant to be mine. In the process, I become unable to manage my own life. By not being present and participating only minimally in my own life, I give up the ability to enjoy what is happening right now. While helping others can be a good thing, like anything else, in excess it is not what's best for us.

Without anyone or anything else, who am I? I am the Lord's.
What do I enjoy? What do I need to do for me? (This is my attempt at showing up for my life)  :)

I enjoy....reading lighthearted "chick lit" books, making music, funny movies, sitting/dreaming/napping in a hammock, dressing up to go out, fall weather, pumpkin patches, music/beer/movies in Market Square, playing board games that make me laugh, shaving my legs, painting/repurposing things around the house into new decorations, snuggling with my kiddos, campfires...

Things I need to do to keep my life in order....time with GOD!, pay bills on time/manage money well, keep laundry folded/put away, listen more than I speak, stay out of things that don't concern me, be trustworthy and have integrity, keep car clean and maintained, take care of house maintenance needs and ask for help when needed, REST in TRUSTING God's provision. Always! I belong to Him and am precious to Him, and He is faithful to care for my every need, usually without me even asking.

So these are my thoughts on how to work at becoming the me HE made...on being simply myself, with Him, and with a desperate sense of hope. What do you need to do to show up for your life? What do you need to do for you?

I trust YOU

Sometimes, we get caught up in emotions, and get forgetful. Have you ever been overtaken by fear? I've always been a fearful person, I'm just wired that way I guess. God has mightily defeated many of my fears, but every once in awhile something pops up, and reminds me that I'm depending on myself more than trusting in Him.

Nothing, nothing is more terrifying than the thought of (or actually) losing someone you love. I've experienced that a few times, especially when my husband died. Terror. Helplessness. The feeling completely incapacitates you. Your vision is clouded by fear. It's a scary place to be.

Tonight I was struggling with some fear...and I felt God speak to my heart with this: "are you going to carry on with this fear, or remember my track record?" So many, many times in the Bible, God does these crazy miracles to protect people from harm. Over and over He states that He is the protector, that we don't have to be afraid. He has faithfully protected me from so much, especially in the last few years. Why do I forget??

So am I gonna be afraid? Or lay my fear at His feet and trust Him? All I have to do is look at the ways He has proven His faithfulness to me and it's an easy choice. When I realize that I can't get through whatever it is on my own, that not only do I need Him, but I really NEED Him to carry me...that's when good things get started. Healing things.

I limit Him so easily. I forget that He is all powerful. Nothing, no one can ever get to me without His approval. And I am His beloved daughter. I'm special to Him. So every time that fear decides to rear it's ugly head up at me again, I'm going to throw my hands up and surrender. "I trust YOU."

Don't change settings! Fight the fear!

Every good story includes the following three parts: the setting, the crisis, and the resolution. No precarious situation continues on at a crisis level for long. There will be a peak of the craziness, and then it resolves. Until the next crisis, anyways. :)

Sometimes, though, when the crisis level hits, we often back down and change settings. We freak out. We get neurotic. We escape and avoid dealing with the conflict. I realized how refreshing the idea of changing settings is as I drove on a road trip yesterday. If life gets hard, I can just move wherever. I have no ties anywhere, really. Just me and the kids, hit the road. I could be a gypsy. :) Unfortunately, if the problem is occurring because of something in us that is broken, it will likely keep happening until you actually deal with it. Deal with whatever the issue is, do it scared, but don't back down. Accept God's healing. Allow yourself to get to the resolution. The issue may resolve the way you'd like, the way you think it will, or it may not. Maybe you'll surprise yourself.

The important thing is that you'll never grow and advance out of the same cycle of problems if you don't push through the crisis.

I love the Serenity Prayer, and appreciate it more now than ever: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

You can't change others. You can't heal them. You can't make them like you. However, you can change your actions; they are fully within your control. You can change the voices in your head and make them like you instead. (Thanks, Pink, for the inspiration there!) No one else can do it for you. Be well! Make healthy choices. Know what you want/need, what is best for you, what God is speaking to you, and go for it! Be bold, be strong, for the Lord God is with you. :)

I'm right alongside you, taking God's hand and asking for courage to take chances, to make changes in my life for the better. There's nothing impossible with Him; all bets are off. Let's do this!

Eyes on ME

Today was one of those days. Didn't sleep well, headache, sore neck, new medication making me feel yucky, etc. Add in stress and a tummyache and I really just wanted to check out of today, maybe skip to next week.

But I started my day with Jesus. And that made all the difference. I used to be so envious of all those perky Christians that had their quiet time every day. I'm pretty undisciplined in most areas, so that never quite worked out for me, even when I tried really, really hard. For whatever reason, I've been thriving on those times alone with Him (and my coffee) this past year. This morning was no different, a balm to my soul.

I was more prepared to handle the junk of today because of what soothed my spirit this morning: peace. HIS peace. Utmost was right on, as usual- "Are you looking unto Jesus now, in the immediate matter that is pressing and receiving from Him peace?...If you try to worry it out, you obliterate Him.."

My friend also sent me a passage about anxiety that caught my attention: "My child, when you are tired, do not be disheartened. Most of your discouragement comes when you carry your own burden, forgetting to call upon Me for help. Give Me everything..."

Confession: I'm a worrier. I struggle with anxiety to begin with, so if you throw in a few other variables, it's near impossible to keep my mind from going in circles. I worry, and fret, and it gets me nowhere. But then God reminds me who is in control.

I remembered the story in Matthew 14 when Peter gets out of the boat and walks to Jesus on the water. When my eyes are on me and the mess around me, I begin to sink, but like Peter, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk confidently on what looks completely impossible.

We used to have a thing we'd say to preschoolers when we need their attention: "1,2,3, eyes on me!" I imagined Jesus looking me in the eyes and saying that to me. "Focus!" So that was my mantra today when my mind began to stress. Eyes on ME. When I felt inferior. Eyes on ME. When I felt afraid. Eyes on ME.

Cause here's the thing: it's not that I don't struggle. Don't trust someone who tells you they never struggle with the junk in life. I just know where to go to get rid of the burden on my shoulders. And when you allow yourself to rest in His presence, lemme tell ya, it's a beautiful thing.

What a difference 10 years makes...

On the way home, driving I-40 with the windows down, "Yellow" by Coldplay blaring...I did some reminiscing.

This same time 10 years ago I was cruising around town holding hands with the hottest guy I knew listening to that same song. A year later I became his wife. I felt like I was learning how to fly.

10 years later, I'm his widow. So mind-blowing. So much excitement and hope in that beginning. Totally innocent of what was to come. I had to learn how to fall.

In some ways, I live life differently now. More willing to do things that scare me, to take risks, to take leaps of faith. Some days I'm strong, some days I'm weak, but I've learned to be more patient with myself. I've seen how fragile and transient life is: we're never promised tomorrow. Each day truly is a gift, and a gift to be used well because once it's gone you can't reclaim it. I don't want to make it to 85 and feel like I let my life slip by, I want to live presently each day.

Although my outlook is a little different, I still have remnants of that innocence and hope inside what I fondly call "my little girl heart." I don't want to live with the fear of losing other loved ones. I want to have hope for each new day. I choose optimism. You may say I'm not realistic: I'm just choosing to hope, even if things look a little bleak.

The marvelous thing that hit me this morning is that God works ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Everything. It did not say, God works everything except that stupid thing you did when you called ______ a ______. Or everything except that time you lied to your boss. Or when tragic, hurtful, awful things happen...He works those for our good!!!

But...but...don't I have to do something? I mean, surely that's too good to be true. I've done lots of dumb stuff, I've been heartbroken, I've hurt others, and really? ALL those things He is gonna work out in my favor???

It just doesn't make sense. But HE is GOD. He's so far above us we'll never understand it. How does He work everything for my good? I have no clue. What I do know is that He chose me before I chose Him, and when I bound my hand to His He promised He'd never let go. And He keeps His promises.

So let's live each day knowing how precious it is! No matter what is going on in your life, remember HE is working everything out in your favor. The story doesn't end here. We're learning to fly.

Finding rest in the craziness of life...

Life feels like a never ending cycle of ups and downs. It usually levels out to be boring in between those times, but it can be so hard to keep our wits about us when things get crazy. I'm such an emotionally driven person that it feels extra difficult to live in peace despite circumstances.

This morning I was reading "My Utmost" and it was perfect for dealing with the emotional upheaval of life. When the life we live in Him is attacked from the outside, it's easy to get caught up in a wrestling match in our heads. Internalized thinking, chewing, getting stuck on something over and over. But all that yuck has a solution: anything that disturbs our rest in Him can be cured by Him.

Matthew 11:28 is such a simple, beautiful passage from Jesus. NASB says it like this: "Come to me, all who are weary, and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." I also love the Message version: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest."

Things come along and occupy our minds, our hearts, our time. We quickly become separated from Him, bit by bit. It's impossible to react well to situations when I'm not close to Him. The things that overwhelm me and keep me from true rest and peace aren't taken care of by ignoring them. Spending time with Him and abiding in Him are the answers to finding REST and PEACE.

"Beware of anything that is going to split up your oneness with Him and make you see yourself separately." O. Chambers. Nothing can separate us from His love!

This was so refreshing to me, and necessary to remember. When things are getting crazy, get alone with Him. Ask Him for rest! The kind only He can give. You will still have to deal with whatever problem is going on, but you won't be going round and round in your head trying to find a solution. Let's let Him take the burden and give us rest. After all, He's the boss in the life recovery business. :)

Shattering that sheds the light forth..

I've been reading this great little book by Lilias Trotter, "Parables of the Christ-life." Lilias was a female missionary to Algeria in the late 1800s/early 1900s. I'm so inspired by the things she writes; thank you Kim for sending me this book! :)

This morning I read something that gave me a lot to think about. It was regarding being broken, or being in a place of brokenness.

"...He (God) may have to stop using us for a time, that He may deepen this work within and bring us to utter brokenness."

God Himself brings us to a place of brokenness. Even though you may be the one struggling with addiction, He's holding your hand, walking you through the darkness.

"Conscious weakness...is one thing: brokenness is another. We may know that we are but earthen pitchers, like Gideon's, with nothing of our own but the light within, and yet we may not have passed through the shattering that sheds the light forth."

Being at rock bottom, being broken, doesn't mean you have failed. It doesn't mean anyone else has failed you either.

I remembered a discussion I had with friends about accountability. That perhaps, if we were held more accountable by our friends, we would never get to that lowest point. They could prevent some of that pain, agony and defeat. At the time, something didn't set right with me and that statement. I do agree that we should sharpen one another, offer guidance and advice as God prompts us. But it's such a precarious thing, to hold someone else "accountable," because we have to take care of our own junk before we poke at someone else's.

Here's another thing, which Oswald Chambers pointed out: "No one dare interfere with the discipline of suffering in another saint." To us, someone suffering, reaching the end of their rope, may look like complete disaster. Yet we must remember that God is in control.

Sometimes the breaking is just part of the process to let the light shine through the cracks! What a beautiful thought.  Don't feel like it's all over because you're at a low point. Realize that you're right on track to get back up. I can know in my mind that I am just a created human being, but until I come to the place where all I have is Jesus, I still am self-sufficient when it comes down to it.

"When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned..." (Isaiah 43:2)

You will get through the brokenness with the God of all creation by your side. Leaning into Him, you will not be consumed by the struggle. The flames will not harm you. And after you are shattered, you will be able to shed a brilliant light that you could never manufacture on your own.

impatience...

In a good and perfect world, every blog I create would be new and mind blowing. However, reality is that God brings recurring themes in my life. Probably because they are areas that need growth. :)

Yesterday I was again reminded of just how very impatient I am. I. Hate. Waiting. Hate it. I can normally control my behavior, so perhaps no one can tell that waiting makes me feel like I will combust. But God knows. Oh does He ever!

I have a vision of where I'm going, what the future may become, and I want it now. I feel like I've certainly waited long enough. I look at things using my timeframe and feel like it's time to move forward. And I realized I'm so much like the Israelites. Stuck in the desert, circling, wondering if they are EVER gonna get to the promised land. Surely God should move us there by now!

I'm such a fool! Why in the world would I ever believe that God works in a way that conforms to my logic, to my sense of time?? He owns time. I'm a created being. It's ridiculous for me to rush Him along, to nag at Him, to be impatient with Him.

I learn so much from watching the birds from my front porch. They don't worry. They simply live, fly, eat, chirp. Once I remember who is in control, and remember there is a plan, and that I haven't foiled it, I am able to relax. Everything is used by Him for our growth. Nothing is discarded. The waiting times, though difficult for us, are when He is doing the slow, vital, behind the scenes stuff. Namely, helping me trash my will and my plans and lean into Him.

I love this: "We have not to produce out of our higher nature a lowliness and a patience and a purity of our own, but simply to let the pure, patient, lowly life of Jesus have its way in us by yieldingness to it and by faith in its indwelling might." I. Lilias Trotter

Simply yield to His work in you. Have faith that He will, once you let Him, create within you a life that resembles Christ. He's still in control; you are not forgotten.

I love remembering that no matter the detour, big or small, that I make on this path, He is right there with me. Never surprised. Knitting everything together into a masterpiece. I focus on the goal, on the endpoint of the journey, on the arrival; He is focused on the now, shaping the heart inside me.

What is love?

What is love? This world gets us all kinds of confused about what love is and what it should look like. There's family/sibling love, romantic love, love your neighbor, unrequited love, being "in love"...it all gets thrown around leaving us unsure of what love really means. 

So I go back to this: love is patient, love is kind. (1 Cor. 13:4) The verse keeps going but I think these two stand out. For me, oftentimes when I think of someone I love and am being impatient with, I am prompted: love is patient. FIRST, always, love is patient. Love can't be forced. Love can't be rushed. It takes time, cultivation, effort, action, and deliberate care. And when we interact with each other, we show love by being patient, and KIND. Treating others kindly can make such a difference!!

As followers of Jesus we are instructed to "love our neighbor." If we can begin to apply these two things alone, if we show patience and kindness to those we meet each day, we will be on track to loving well.

The trick is, we need God in us to really show love like that. 1 John 4:8 says God IS love. As in, that is part of how he is defined. With His power within our hearts, we have 24 hour access to the only One who is love, the One who can help us show love to others.

When you think of those you love, friends, family, spouses, significant others, etc...think: am I loving well? Am I being patient, and am I being kind? Lord, let your power flow through our hearts so we can show true love to each other.

(*Single ladies,  here's a hint: if you're waiting to meet your hubby-to-be, remember, love is patient! God is working on the behind the scenes work; practice patient love now so that it will perhaps be a habit later!)

some thoughts...

So here's a secret (or not-so-secret) about me: I tend to be a "fixer". I'm in recovery, but still. It's so hard to see friends go through tough situations. Especially when they are in hurtful relationships with others. It seems that we often settle for being treated so much less than we deserve, simply as created human beings. Yet Jesus said to turn the other cheek and to love your enemies. This is a pretty confusing paradox.

I think that it's important to treat one another in love, even if they are being unkind to you, because that is how we show Christ to others. And the power to be loving in the face of your enemies can only come from Him. If I draw from my own will to be kind when I don't feel like it, honestly, it isn't gonna last long. He is love, and allows me to love those around me. But does loving others mean accepting abuse? Being controlled by them? 

I've seen so much dysfunction. Manipulation. Mental abuse. Mind games. And I've got to be honest, I don't think that's the control God wants us under while we are on earth. HE offers a yoke that is light, not heavy or ill-fitting. Why would He desire us to be yoked to people that offer us the opposite of that? While the church is doing justly by encouraging people to abstain from sin and stay in marriages...sometimes I wonder if we aren't creating "shotgun marriages." Holding a "shotgun" to your head and forcing you to stay in a destructive place when the healthier choice is to be out. I've had friends that lived in anxiety, fear and depression be able to blossom and breathe freely once out of hurtful relationships. I know divorce is not God's best. But until we can see things from God's perspective in each situation and know exactly what is happening, I don't think it's fair for us to create the consequences ourselves. 

Get sound advice- from mentors, therapists, friends (who are walking with Jesus). Often times other people can see things with a different perspective, and if everyone else is advising that you're in a destructive relationship, it may be something to think about. But always, the most important thing you can do is to get time alone with Jesus. Wrestle with Him. Beseech Him. Get His instruction. Because while those around you can see a situation with a different perspective than you, only God sees the heart of both individuals. Only He knows the game plan. 

You're free to disagree with me. I feel like I've been chewing on this and seeking God about this a lot, and I'm on a learning curve here. But I want for those I love to feel the freedom of God's embrace, not to be trapped either by the snares of sin, or the noose of religious verdicts.

**UPDATE: I received some wise feedback from my Mom and realized I'd be remiss if it wasn't shared: "Not sure I agree on this one. We are called to forgive & love our enemmies. We also need to give God a chance to change hearts. Nothing is impossible with God. Seek Him & trust that HE can do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we can think or ask according to the power HE works in us. NOTHING is impossible with God!!!!" I absolutely agree, Mom! I want to point out that I do not in any way believe that vows made in marriage are trivial. Too often, people bail because things are simply harder than they can handle. I think much prayer and patience is required in giving God time to heal and restore. This blog was intended to be my thoughts on relationships involving abuse, whether physical, verbal, or emotional. While they are still definitely NOT beyond the power of God's grace, I have a problem with the way the church handles those marriages, and the pressure some feel to stay together to keep in the favor of the church. 

He walks on the chaos of our lives...

I love when a familiar scripture I'm reading blows in like a breath of fresh air. Yesterday I was reading dear Mr. Oswald's "Utmost For His Highest" and it was a good devotional. Nothing that really rearranged my thinking, but still good. Then I looked at the scripture reference it gave just to see what it was about (Mark 6:45). And the cool thing was I got way more from exploring that story in the bible than I did the devotional. (I just think it's cool how God can use whatever, whenever to get into my mind/heart!)

It's the story of when the disciples were out boating in the middle of the sea at midnight, and they see a man walking on the water and freak out. (I totally think that's a justified reaction, by the way.)

"When it was evening, the boat was in the middle of the sea, and He (Jesus) was alone on the land. Seeing them straining at the oars, for the wind was against them, at about the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea; and He intended to pass by them. But when they saw Him walking on the sea, they supposed that it was a ghost, and cried out; for they all saw Him and were terrified. But immediately He spoke with them and said to them, "Take courage; it is I, do not be afraid." Then He got into the boat with them, and the wind stopped; and they were utterly astonished."


SO much jumped out of this at me. They were in the middle of the sea. Alone. Helpless. Sure, they may have felt confident until the storm came up. How often do we feel isolated in the tough stuff of life? But here's something reassuring- He was watching the whole time! (Seeing them straining at the oars). Jesus had not for one second forgotten them. He was always there.

Then He comes to them, and they freak out! They are obviously surprised by His presence. And not that we all wouldn't be surprised by a guy walking on water, but I think there's more to this. They weren't expecting Him. They weren't looking for Him. They weren't prepared for the miracle, because later when the storm stops, they are all utterly astonished! I wonder how many times I do that, get so caught up in the mess and trying to take care of it myself that I forget to look for Him and His help. Then when He does act, I'm surprised!

The other cool thing I like is that once they recognize Him, He IMMEDIATELY comforts them, and gets in the boat with them. He could have stayed on the shore, He could have calmed the storm with a word, but instead He does it with His presence!

This is not a distant God, but one who will leave His home to be with us in our pain.
He can walk on the storms, the chaos of our life. Not only that, but he gets in the boat WITH us and calms our hearts.

So let's look for Him in the midst of our suffering and expect the miracle. Be aware of His presence. Hold on to hope, it doesn't disappoint. (Romans 5:5)

fighting His love...

"so please, please, please, please cripple me, so I cannot keep running away..."*

I love the Elenowen song, "Cripple Me." So perfect for what I'm feeling right now. Every once in awhile I come across something in myself that I just can't figure out. I've realized there are moments when it's like I'm trying to find the bottom of His love. Maybe not consciously, but that childish rebellion is there all the same. Does it make any sense at all to fight the love of the only One who gives it so freely and unconditionally?

Can you relate? I try and try to be perfect, and then when I fail, not every time, but once in awhile, I almost feel like throwing in the towel and running in the opposite direction. Because I'm sure I can push Him to the point when He'll say "we're done here." And I'm convinced I'll never be enough.

But here's the great news: with God's love, there's never anything that can end it, not even ourselves. In Romans 8 (Msg), it says nothing can drive a wedge between us and His love. "Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture." "Nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable -absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way Jesus our Master has embraced us."

That's the truth y'all. HIS love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on us. So no matter how many times I try to test His patience, certain that this will be the time He sends me packing...His love is unconditional. I can rest in it and stop fighting.

That's so hard for me to grasp, because I live in a world in which the love I receive from those around me is largely based on what I do to earn it. So...repeat after me: "I do not have to earn Your love. I accept Your love for me."

Until I fully accept that in it's simple beauty, I pray that He will cripple me so I quit trying to run.

*Elenowen, "Cripple Me"on "Pulling Back The Veil"

To Jamaica we go...

After I traveled to Haiti in March, I felt certain that God was calling me into a life of missions. I have been happy to serve on a local level in Knoxville since then. Now I am excited to have the amazing opportunity to travel to Jamaica in October on a mission trip with Knoxlife Church.  My team and I leave October 16th for the Caribbean Christian Center for the Deaf. (CCCD) We will spending six days with youth, adults and families who are struggling to build lives for themselves in an environment not as friendly to those with disabilities as we are accustomed to.

In Jamaica, CCCD is caring for nearly 200 children, teens and adults on three campuses. In addition to the three campuses,  CCCD partners with several orphanages in the area spreading their resources with the most impoverished on this Caribbean island. More important than their disabilities, disease or the fact that they were abandoned is that each child has a talent and gift to share with the rest of the world. While in Jamaica we will care for and play with the children, while also performing different tasks and work projects, with the goal to make it a better place for the children to live.

I am looking forward to this opportunity to see the ways God uses all of us! The trip will not be easy by any means, so I am asking for your prayers- now, as we prepare, and especially during our time in Jamaica. Intense heat, real poverty, new situations, and the challenges of living simply and selflessly- we surely need to rely on prayer!

Please keep my fellow missionaries and me in your prayers, but most of all, please pray for the children we are going to serve. When you feel the love of your own children and family or are overcome with a feeling of gratitude for something in your own life – keep in mind that you have the power to make the children in Jamaica feel that way too.

In addition to your prayers you can also help the children by contributing to my fundraising effort. I’ve set a goal of $750 that I aim to raise, knowing that each dollar is working towards the care and health of the children. I also plan to bring a number of items with me that will assist in their care – if you would like to donate items, please contact me for my list.

I'm so thankful for your prayers and support – it means such a great deal to me personally and even so much more to the children I will serve. You are supporting me as I'm His hands and feet to them. 

I am simply blessed and in awe that God would offer me another chance to serve Him in this way. He is amazing! You can email me at jennifermccombs@me.com for information on donating funds or supplies. Every little bit helps!! :) 

To make whole

"Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity."- Hippocrates

Heal - (verb)- to make sound or whole, to restore to health; to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome; to patch up. Synonyms: cure, fix, mend, rehabilitate.

I've had the above quote on my fridge for awhile, mostly because the picture it's on is beautiful, but also because it intrigues me. Of course healing takes time, but what does it mean to allow it an opportunity? And how can I give myself and God that opportunity for healing?

Healing is a process. We all have unseen injuries to our hearts that require time to heal. Sometimes they are small cuts, such as hurtful words from someone, and sometimes they are large lacerations, such as the death of a loved one. Sometimes we have been chronically injured over time, and the wounds are so deep healing seems impossible. In all case the path of healing has similarities: we may go through anger, denial, bargaining, and/or depression before we come to acceptance. But each person goes through all these differently. Even once acceptance is reached, sometimes the wound is opened back up and we may find ourselves in the anger camp again. There's no right way to walk the road of grief.

But this process HAS to happen. If it doesn't, healing can't occur. We have to allow ourselves to be angry, to be hurt, to grieve, so that we can be restored to health. I believe that is what the quote means: we have to provide ourselves opportunity to heal. It's so easy to be busy and avoid dealing with the hurts that have happened to our hearts. It's much easier to press on, to "forgive and forget" but never actually deal with the issue. Not dealing with the issue puts a small, temporary patch on the deeper pain. And when we do that, when we try to heal ourselves, it's like patching a leak in a dam with duct tape. No bueno.

While pain is uncomfortable (to put it mildly), it has to be felt and experienced before healing can occur. We have to be patient with ourselves and allow time for God to do what He does best; not just patch up, but to completely restore us to health. To use it all towards our good, to make us even better than before.

Jesus asks the man waiting by the water for 38 years in John 5:5-7 "Do you want to be well?"

I have to ask myself that, too. Do you want to be well? Will you allow the opportunity for Him to make you whole and repair your heart?

Do you have any other ways to interpret Hippocrates message in the quote above?

I AM HIS

We all wear masks. People hide their issues. Do we ever know one another as well as we think? I'm certain the only one who truly knows me, with all my flaws and failures, is Jesus. I write blogs; they let you see the parts of me I present and allow to be seen.

You may think you know me, but I could be presenting a totally false front. I could be a raging drunk. I could be a cutter, making tiny wounds to let out the pain. I could be addicted to drugs, pornography, or celebrity magazines. I could be deeply, miserably caught in the throes of depression. I could be bulemic, anorexic, racist, abusive, schizophrenic, OCD....

You don't know me. And this applies to every person you meet. Always.

But I am not my issues. I am not my obsessions. I am not my struggles. I am not my addictions. This also applies to every person you meet.

I AM HIS. I am not defined by what I do, think, or feel. I am not the snapshot you take and hold up in front of you. I am not good, but I AM HIS. That alone defines me.

When you see someone, look past the external, because we are all created by Him, for Him. And He is the only one who sees the real person inside the shell.

And when this world passes away, when I draw my last breath and enter into His presence, I will only be identified by one thing: I AM HIS. I will be acceptable before God because of Jesus' blood. Everything that I have been on earth will be gone forever, but for this: I AM HIS.

Nothing has rocked my world quite like that. I hope it does yours, too. Don't let anyone tell you who you are, don't tell yourself you are less than what you could be- be His.

He chooses the weak...

Although my favorite books of the bible are usually Psalms and Hebrews, I've been reading the gospels lately. I want to read the words Jesus said, you know, the red letters. :) This morning I was reading Luke 14.

Verse 12-13 says that when you throw a party, don't invite those that can repay you, like your friends and family, but invite those that can't, like the poor, the crippled, the lame and the blind. In the following verses He tells a story about a dinner party. The master gets everything ready, and when the invited guests are told it's time to come to the party, they all have excuses. So the (angry) master sends out for all those who weren't originally invited, again, the poor, crippled, blind and lame. And He states "none of those men who were invited will taste of my dinner." Instead, the ones that filled the banquet hall were the least, the uninvited, the poor.

It made me think of the friends I've made in Knoxville that are homeless. I understood that Jesus has more love and tenderness and want in His heart for them then He does those that play dress up for church every Sunday. The ones that think they are self-sufficient on their own merit, that give Him excuses, or ignore His call completely; they will not taste of His dinner. He wants the ones the world disregards. The ones everyone else gives up on, looks down upon. Have you ever felt hopeless? He wants you at His party, in His company. 

In Oswald's book today, it talked about relying on yourself. What quality in yourself are you depending on? God can do more with the weak than the strong. Will you believe that God can use you in your weakness for great things? Will you give up your self-reliance to lean completely on Him? 

I love that we serve a God who chooses to dine with sinners, who embraces the weak, who lifts up the poor in spirit. There is none like Him. 

True peace

I hate the times I experience something cool with Jesus but don't know how to write it. So I'm gonna do my best, bear with me. :)

I've been on a learning curve trying to understand my relationship with Christ as it truly is. No more balancing sins with good works, earning my way into His favor. "Well, I did give that guy a dollar, so I'm a pretty good person." It's easy to get caught up in believing that if we are DOING good, we are good. And while good works are part of the fruit we bear as followers of Jesus, they aren't what justifies us as "clean."

I am clean because of the blood of Jesus. It's been done. I accept it. He adores me. I don't deserve it. Still, it is so. Yet I have a history of perfectionism and striving for approval that weighs upon me. Simply accepting His never-ending love for me is difficult. So when I stumble, I hate myself for it. I want to be just like Jesus. I want to never sin. I am upset by my human tendencies. What a mess!

What I have learned through my struggles is that I cling much tighter to His side when I know I'm slipping. I know that He is holding my hand (he says so in Psalms) and so I can continue to hold on to Him each step of the way. And if struggles, as painful as they may be, bring me closer to Christ, then I will be thankful for them.

Recently I prayed for His protection, because I want to please Him. I want to walk in such a way that I can live a life on Earth that is blessed. I don't want to reap the consequences of poor choices, but rather to be able to grab onto the gifts He gives. I know I may have to wait a long time to see some of those gifts, but love is first and foremost patient. There is nothing loving about rushing God to give us what we want.

After that prayer, I felt such a feeling of being covered by Him. If something is giving you anxiety, cry out to Him, He does hear you! I know I don't deserve His love or protection, but I am speechless with gratitude that He would carry me through the fire into a place of peace.

Peace. Isn't that what we all want, really? Jesus, thank you for giving true peace that runs deep.

He is holding my hand..

I'm the kinda gal that needs to be well rested and fed to be at my best. I haven't been making time for sleep, so I'm way past tired. And when I'm tired, my emotions seem to control my thinking. The past few days I've really felt in the midst of a struggle. Somedays it's so hard to even be aware of the fact that you're there, you just get on the "crazy-go-round" and take off. But it feels so heavy, so impossible, I just want to escape. Yet how can I escape myself?

Tonight, I'd had enough. There were no immediate solutions in my head. But I knew where to find answers. When I am burdened, weary, and heavy hearted, I go to Jesus. Sometimes He speaks through the bible, sometimes through a friend. I am blessed beyond measure by a sweet friend who sends me scriptures and other words of encouragement nearly every day. What she sent today was exactly what I needed.

"Nothing can live in unbroken sunshine. Constant joy and happiness, with no clouds on the horizon, produces drought. Nonstop sunshine only creates desert. We don't enjoy storms, but they're an essential part of a complete life, and the key to victory comes in finding how to weather the storms of life in such a way that they don't distract us from our secret life in God."

Whatever stress/anxiety/emotional weight I've got right now, it's just another storm. I've been through them before, and I'll be through more in the future, because that's how I'll grow! And I know exactly where to hide when the storm is raging: "under His wings you may seek refuge." "She will call upon me and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble; I will rescue her and honor her." (Psalm 91:4, 91:15) "When she falls, she will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds her hand." (Psalm 37:24)

He will be with me in trouble. He will honor me. That alone is unbelievable. But think about it: "I will be with her in trouble." "When she falls." These are very deliberate statements. They clearly indicate there will be trouble. No getting around it. So it shouldn't surprise me that from time to time, I experience a storm. And I realized how dull and boring and flat my life would be if I just did the same thing perfectly every day. Complete monotony. Just like the seasons and the weather change, so shall we. We were designed for a life of change and growth, not monotony.

What gives me the greatest hope is that when I come out of the storm, regardless of the outcome, I am bound to Christ. He is always with me. He is committed to staying by my side from this world to the next. All of this mess has much less weight when I keep that in mind.

He is holding my hand. What a lucky girl I am, indeed.

No more hiding...

Lately, when I get away to spend time with Jesus, I am beyond comforted by the image of just resting in His arms, with my head against His chest. I get a little teary because His tender love is so palpable. So unconditional. So beyond my understanding. But He always, always holds me close, no matter what I've done/thought/said that day. There's never anything but grace and love spilling from His face. 

This morning I realized something. I've always heard "sin separates us from God," and that is the premise for Jesus coming to set us free and bring us back home. Makes sense to me. But what I realized  is that when we get so distracted by the weight of our sin, the self-hatred of not living up to our own expectations, we hide. Just like Adam and Eve in the garden. Just like kids who stole cookies from the cookie jar, faces covered with chocolate. We hide because we feel ashamed. 

That, I believe, is the biggest trick of the devil. Because the whole time God is right there. Looking for us. Calling our name, arms open. Like in the story of the prodigal son, when the son comes back, the father runs to him. I love that image of an old man running to his son. He wants nothing more than to BE with us. Can you grasp that?? 

I don't want to believe the lies anymore. I don't want to be deceived into thinking that I have to live in absolute perfection, following the law to a tee, to be able to be in the presence of my Father. The only true peace I've ever felt is in His arms. Even when I'm not living up to who I want to be. I'm not suggesting sin is a thing to be embraced. What I am saying is that I am my own worst enemy when I allow my disgust for my sin to become bigger than God's grace. I lose focus of where I belong. 

Think about what's holding you back from being held in His arms of grace. Throw it off, and run to Him. It's where you belong. 

Intensity, plans, and waiting...

Intense- (adj.) acute, strong, or vehement, as sensations, feelings, or emotions. Synonyms- fervent, passionate.

I'm intense. About everything. Hot or cold, black or white; I love vivid colors, sounds, dreaming and imagining. I like music as loud as it can go, and to dance until I'm dizzy. I like to create. I want to fly. I've come to a place where I've recognized that's how I was created. I'm in a chapter in my life where I have the liberty to discover who I am and what I like. Like in "Runaway Bride", I'm learning how I like my eggs. (Scrambled, with veggies, cheese and salsa!) And I'm very thankful for this time.

But there are a lot of times I'm not so appreciative of the way God made me. I'm so intense that I have a constant struggle with patience. I make up my mind about something, and then I want instant gratification. Let's get the show on the road. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin, so frustrated with waiting. I suppose I'm in the process of learning to cling to His grace while I wait on His move.

God's timing is perfect. Magnificently so. And He is working everything out for my best. So why in the world would I rush Him?? Rest, relax, take a deep breath and just enjoy the ride. I have to remember Who is in control. Especially when I get wrapped up in my world, using that wonderful imagination of mine to create my future.

"As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (the message)

Dang, just reading that gives me peace. Psalm 37:7 says to "wait patiently on Him." Whenever I feel like I've got a great plan or idea for my future, I need to remember something important. The One who filled me with intensity, creativity, and life gave me just a tiny fraction of who HE is. So how much more fantastic are His plans than mine?

And with that thought, Oh Lord, give me grace and courage to wait on You alone.

The judging business...

"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:1-2) So what does Jesus say about judging? Don't do it. Ok, sure. I won't. We're told to love God, to love our neighbors, and not judge them. Sounds simple enough.

Except that recently, God has been revealing to me ways I've judged others without even recognizing it. Yikes. 

I think of my faith at age 15, that held everyone to Biblical laws in a very black and white fashion. I felt loving, but was really a little self-righteous and a lot pretentious. I remember looking at people in the spotlight, like Amy Grant, and being disappointed in her for leaving her husband and marrying Vince Gill. Or feeling betrayed and critical when Katy Hudson left behind the Christian music scene to become Katy Perry. How many times I've looked with contempt upon the "other woman" or "other man."  I wouldn't have defined it then as "judging"...but on the contrary, that's exactly what I was doing.

I have no idea what it's like to be in their shoes. I don't know anything about them, or the situations that prompted their "sin". Their actions are between them and God. And I can still show them love despite their choices....because that's what God says I'm supposed to do. We're all human people who make human mistakes, some just are more public than others.

I had this epiphany driving to NC the other day: maybe I've built my faith upon a foundation of God's rules, not necessarily Jesus. For instance, divorce is wrong. Black and white. That made sense before. But now that I have had friends experience it, and come out better on the other side, it feels like the foundation has crumbled underneath me. When in reality, if my foundation was Christ alone, I wouldn't feel as shaken and confused, because HE NEVER CHANGES. His LOVE NEVER CHANGES. 

If I choose stupidly...if I fall away but then come back to Jesus...He doesn't change, and He doesn't see me any differently either. He doesn't love me more on my "good" or "holy" days, when I'm on my best behavior, or when I'm making good choices. Honestly it's way more than I can begin to grasp. But I'm trying. 

It takes every bit of HIS power to defeat sin in our life. But He is still the firm foundation EVEN if (when) we fall. 

And seriously, y'all...let's stop this judging business. I'd like to retire from it permanently. Sin causes grief and sorrow (Isaiah 53:3). Do we really want to make someone's burden heavier by throwing judgement at them? Or will we tenderly and deliberately show them love? Which one do you think will lead them closer to Jesus? 

Common stuff with a touch of grace...

This morning dear Mr. Oswald brought something to my attention: no man is born with character, he has to make his character. And this occurs over the course of his whole life, creating habits through daily circumstances and behaviors. In other words, it's the little things I do each day that create the habits which form and define who I am.

We keep looking for big things to "do for Jesus", cling to our mountaintop experiences, focus on all of the thrilling moments, while that which shapes us the most is the boring. The drudgery. The loneliness. The obedience in the least exciting circumstances. When our kids (or spouse!) leave the lights on all over the house again, when the dog chews our shoes, when it's time to pay the bills, feed the cat, gas up the car. These are the moments that form us. We have to learn to live in the midst of the "blah" by the power of God. We can learn to be diligent in these things not just because they are our "duties" but because we believe God is in control and able to use all the circumstances in our lives.

I LOVE this: "we are not meant to be illuminated versions, but the common stuff of ordinary life exhibiting the marvel of the grace of God."(O. Chambers)

Each moment of obedience in the most minute, common situations depends on the grace of God. We need Him and His power within us to build habits and character like Jesus.

Think about this: "the tiniest detail in which I obey has all the omnipotent power of the grace of God behind it."(O. Chambers) When I say a feeble "no" to something that is not best for me, in obedience to my Jesus, although it feels feeble, it is full of the power of God's grace! If I say "yes, Lord" and follow Him through something difficult, even though it would not be a struggle for someone else, it is by HIS power I do so.

And as I choose obedience time and time again, it becomes a habit. Then part of my character. And I would love nothing more than to be defined by my obedience to Christ.

life in dead places...

Lately I've discovered a hopeless feeling in my heart. While I know that Jesus is still in control and has a plan, I lose focus of that. I let the fact that I can't see any possible outcome blur my vision. My human imagination with it's limitations gets in the way of my faith.

There's an area in my life that I just can't possibly imagine ever changing. I can't even decide if I would want it to change! I can't imagine healing and healthiness in my heart in that place. I put up walls and guard myself because of fear and lack of trust in myself. God pointed out that it's not just myself I am not trusting, but HIM.

There's nothing I can do on my own, really. He even works within us to change: "it is God who works within you to will and to act according to His good purpose" (Phil. 2:13). I forget how BIG He is, and how everything I see is just a breath, a moment. Although I can't see a solution, I have faith in the One who already has been to the end and knows every detail of my story.

This morning He led me to a beautiful scripture that reminded me of something very important: He can restore dead things to life.

"The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." (Isaiah 58:11, nasb)

I'm definitely feeling like I'm in a scorched, dead place. A place where there's not even a tiny shoot of hope clawing it's way up out of a crack in the ground. My bones? Yeah, they're pretty weak and weary. Yet somehow, beautiful, vibrant life is going to come out of this place of deadness. Like a watered garden...and like a spring whose waters don't fail, but just continue to flow, and flow.

Really? I mean, I am reading it, but it sounds too good to be true. However, I know one thing for sure- God can do what He says He can do. He keeps promise after promise, and HIS love never fails. I can't even trust myself but I can always trust Him. So when my eyes can't see anything good ahead, I just have to walk forward in faith and know He always keeps His promises.

the seduction of independence...

I draw inspiration from a variety of sources. An awesome thing about God is He is more than capable of using any means necessary to get our attention. Tonight I was inspired by a good friend's twitter feed. I'm not sure of the context they were using, but God spoke to my heart all the same.

"the seduction of independence.."

I began to think of how I pull away from my Father to fight things on my own. How the majority of the time I carry on with my daily activities without submitting to Him. And how ridiculous that is, when I am completely and utterly dependent on Him...for everything.

"I am the vine and you are the branches.When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing." John 15:5, Msg.

Our posture before God is to be child-like, waiting, trusting, and in full expectation of His provision. We ask for our "daily bread" or that which we need to sustain us each day. We are to be completely dependent upon Him. That is what the relationship should look like.

Seeking independence from Him, even if we do it subconsciously, is not how we were created to live. We will fail, and fail, and fail again, and He will allow it, because He loves us enough to let us realize our need.

This world teaches us that independence is valuable, desired, and worth the pursuit. And independence can be a very healthy thing. I've actually spent some time in recovery for co-dependence. (We can get into that later!) But here's something about satan...he takes something that could be good, that looks good, that perhaps isn't altogether bad...and then lures us in with half-truths and half-promises. And a half-truth is no truth at all.

Big picture: we are not to be dependent or co-dependent upon any human, or any thing, substance, etc. We are to be independent individuals who answer to God with a complete and total dependence on Him. We love others. We embrace community. But we are abide in Christ alone. That will bring abundance of HIM in our lives, and drown out the whisper of want.

Sometimes my faith falters.

I'm guessing that because I write about things God is showing me, y'all may think I'm some kind of super-Christian. In fact, I wonder if when I'm on the mountaintop I believe that myself. When things are going well, I think we feel pretty good about ourselves. But I want to be clear: I am a wretch, a wreck, a mess. The fact that I can hear His voice at all is a blessing. The faith that I have is a gift from Him- I do my best to surrender and cultivate it, but I cannot take any responsibility for it's presence.

So I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening. :)

Tonight I watched "What To Expect When You're Expecting."  I loved it and thought it was hysterical and moving at the same time. But during the labor scenes it really hit me that I am not at all living the script I had for my life. I had planned on graduating and becoming a women's health nurse. Labor and delivery, midwifery, low income families: that was my dream.

But then things changed. My husband died. Now I have to ( I get to! ) be there for my kids in a job designed for two. Things look a lot different than I could ever have planned. I realized that with Mike's death I also experienced a smaller death of something quieter: my dreams of the future. Although I wanted to see my dreams come to fruition sooner than later, I decided that it was better for me to invest in my kids full time than be a hospital nurse. And I've been so busy living each day I didn't realize that loss occurred.

Here's the cool thing: there really isn't a plan B as far as God is concerned. He's not surprised, and has me on the exact course I need to be. In fact, I love that He says when I do stumble off the path, He's actually holding onto my hand. (Psalm 37:24) Although the dreams I had for myself seem delayed or finished, He never delays giving me what I need. I can rest securely in the fact that He will heal and restore.

But for a time in the theater, I grieved a little bit over that loss. Sometimes my faith gets shaken up a bit. Sometimes I wonder why I have to wait to do the things I feel so passionate about. And I love that I can feel all those emotions, the confusion, the weight of life, and just be honest with Him. I can sit at His feet and tell Him how forgotten and lost I feel sometimes, and it's ok. It gives Him a chance to remind me who He is and who I am.

Don't be afraid to be honest with God when things get a little shaky. He wants to remind you He's holding you up anyways.

Choose well.

The world we live in is a beautiful creation. Everything we are tempted by, wanting to have, to be, to do is something good when it stands on it's own. "Pleasure, money, power, and safety are all, as far as they go, good things. The badness consists in pursuing them by the wrong method, or in the wrong way, or too much." (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Of course we are tempted by these things that look good. God made everything and said it was good, right? (Gen. 1:31) And God puts parameters on when/how/why we use them instead of being controlled by them. These parameters are spelled out in His word, the Bible. We often get hung up on the rules and try to not break them, which of course we then do anyways. When the focus of our heart is on performance instead of the love relationship we have with Jesus, it's nearly impossible to be well.

But when the focus of my heart is Christ and He helps me understand WHY the rules exist, it makes following them something I want to do instead of feeling like I have to do. God gives us rules to help us live a peaceful life. They are for our protection and well-being. When we steal, gossip, commit murder, or lust after someone we shouldn't, we rob ourselves of peace. Following His guidelines gives us life and freedom!

He says He'll never put anything heavy or ill-fitting on us. That by walking with Him we can learn to live freely and lightly (Matthew 11:28-30). If you ask people whether they believe that is true of God, my guess is they'll say no. Some see God as the harsh rule-maker in the sky, enjoying setting the bar high and watching us fail. Perhaps they haven't walked with Him and allowed Him to show them how freely and lightly they can live by following His teachings.

The example that helps me best understand the heart behind the rules is in regards to sex before marriage. When we're young we're simply taught not to. God says no. But as I've grown up I am able to understand why. Is there anything more beautiful and like Jesus than putting another before your own pleasure? Honoring someone else above yourself? "I'm not going to do that because he/she is too important to me to use in a way that will give me temporary happiness but cause them lasting trouble." There are risky emotional and physical consequences of being intimate with someone that is not your spouse. The devil takes something that is a good thing that God created- sex- and helps us diminish the importance of using it God's way. The beauty in complete purity going into a marriage is purposed by God for a reason. And when we follow His words, we are the ones who receive great joy; we are the ones who benefit.

Of course sometimes they seem like unreachable standards. I depend on Him every hour when dealing with certain struggles. (Actually when dealing with everything...!) I can't be holy or perfect on my own. But it helps me to lean into God and want to choose well when I understand the reasons He directs me in certain ways.

He's always in our corner. He's always on our side. He wants the best for us. He will work all things for our good (Romans 8:28) but that doesn't mean He can wipe out all the consequences we have to experience based on our choices. Our past does affect our future. We are forgiven, but retain the scars of wounds self-afflicted.

Let's choose well. The days are short, too short to choose to wear heavy, ill-fitting stuff when the God of all creation wants us to live the kingdom life now, freely and lightly.

Some stuff they don't tell you about being a widow...

Actually...no one really tells you anything about being a widow when you're in your 20s. It doesn't really come up much in conversation. And as much as I would appreciate a "Being a widow for dummies" book, I have yet to find it at Barnes & Noble. So pretty much you just have to figure things out as you go.

I will say that I have had input from many people who have guided me along the way. Fellow sojourners on this path, as well as caring friends and neighbors. And Jesus himself, through the Holy Spirit, has led me by hand through it all. In fact, my walking through the critical moments at the hospital was all Him, as far as I can tell.

But here's some things I feel like sharing to let you into my world a bit. Brace yourselves!

*People treat you differently. Some treat you with sadness or fear of your pain. Some women appear to hold their husbands tighter. Some men act wary of your intentions. You become "that woman" looking for a "good man" to raise your kids. Look, y'all...I'm not interested. Just sayin.

*At an age where you should be in groups consisting of couples with children...you don't really fit there anymore. You don't fit with the traditional widows either, even though they have a wealth of wisdom to offer. I've finally found a great group where I don't feel so out of place...but if I'm being completely honest I will admit there is that feeling sometimes that something is missing. Of course there is, my other half.

*I depend heavily on friends, family and my church. For so many things. Help with house stuff, with the kids, emotional support, laughter. And sometimes it's hard for me to ask for help. Don't assume that a widow will always ask for help. Don't assume they will come to you when they are hurting. Check in with them.

*I worry sometimes about the lack of time with Godly men my kiddos get. I'm afraid to ask those around me to give up time they need to spend with their own families. Big brother/big sister is hard to get into. I have no good answer for this...but I do know God is the father to the fatherless.

*I enjoy being single. No, really! I have a great appreciation for being able to focus all of my heart on God. I don't have to serve a man, only my Jesus. I've grown so much spiritually because I've been able to have time to be with Him. And there's never any arguments around here!!

*Yet, there's never any arguments around here. Get it? Sometimes it'd be better to have someone to bicker with than be completely alone. It gets a lil lonely. (Yes, I know the kids are here, and God..but..it's a different kind of alone.)

*I have to choose between time with my kids and working. This is a choice with heavier consequences because there is no other parent to pour time and love into them if I do work. For now, God has blessed me with the ability to not work, and to be there for them 100%. I am beyond thankful for that. But we have to sacrifice a lot of things and activities because of our limited income. I don't mind too much. :)

*Grief sucks. It just does. You think you've worked everything out and then God reveals just how completely broken you still are. Or certain things will pop back and break your heart all over again. My hubby's death was particularly traumatic...so while I try to keep all the memories stuffed in a box, that proves to be a rather unhelpful method for healing.

*When you've lost someone...someone who technically, according to God, you were one with... well what the heck am I now? A half? How do I reclaim the half I 'lost'? All I know is He's told me He will make me new, and He keeps His promises. I hate the moments when I still feel like a half of a whole, but I have faith that someday I will be complete again.

*I have to make a lot of decisions I don't want to make. Spiritually, financially, you name it. I'm the girl in charge. Sometimes it's convenient, I suppose, to not have to try and compromise over things. But I sure am not looking forward to all the "birds and the bees" talk with my son. Not at all!

*Everyone depends on me! 2 kids, 2 cats, 1 dog. They ALL depend on me. I whined and struggled with that one a lot at first. It's really exhausting!! But like anything else, you learn to deal with it. What are the options? Just keep walking forward.

*I seriously struggle with the idea of remarriage. Ever. I understand all the biblical stuff regarding it. But I cannot imagine going through that again. That's one big difference between being widowed and divorced...when you get divorced, you can hope you find someone that you are more compatible with, that treats you well, so that you will not have to go through all that again. Death is a promise. Unless Jesus comes back first...which isn't totally out of the question. But as one of my fave artists John Davis says, "everybody's gotta die, as sure as they're born." So I have a 50% chance of going through this again. (Other 50% is I die first. Which then the other person hurts so that's no good either!) Is the benefit of marriage and companionship worth the living hell of watching someone die? As of yet I can't say it is.


In short, I am thankful for what I've learned through all this...for the closeness with Jesus from it...for the way life is prioritized differently now....but I'm still knee deep in the healing process. It's a bumpy road. I don't expect to become used to my "new normal" for quite some time. "I'm in repair...I'm not together but I'm getting there." (John Mayer)

Thank you to those of you that have come alongside me and the kids to support us through this. I hope we can be a blessing to you as well!

Trust through uncertainty

Sometimes most of the time, life is filled with uncertainty. I know for sure mine is, and I know that a lot of my friends are dealing with situations with unsure destinations. Trust. How can we apply that to a foggy future? How can we step out one foot at a time without really seeing where we are going? It goes against all our instincts. We are logical, thinking people who rely on common-sense when we make decisions. I read a devotional today that really helped me see this from a different perspective.

"Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life: gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God."I love that! He is so faithful, so dependable, always thinking of us with love; we can be certain of Him and who He is.

When we follow a religion/creed, are we believing God or our own beliefs? If we can abandon the hold on our beliefs, and tighten our hold on Him; if we can allow ourselves to become like children, accept the uncertainty of our future, and TRUST Him...then we can have a life of spontaneous joy and expectancy. Because He is an amazing God. He loves to delight us with Him, and with His gifts to us. It is always beautifully uncertain How he will move, but we can rest assured at the right time He will. It'll blow our minds. 

Stick with Him through the uncertainty. Keep your face turned to Him. "Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered in shame." (Ps. 34:5) The Message bible puts it like this: "Look at him; give him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from him." 

Be certain: He is working things out for you- you don't have to carry your burden alone, He goes before you, follows behind you, and carries you through the hardest places. And nothing, nothing can change that. I pray that these truths resonate deep within our hearts and souls as we learn to trust Him even when it's foggy ahead.

The process vs. performance

Much of life is centered around what we "do." Whenever you meet someone, it's typical to ask them, "So, what do you do?" When you introduce yourself you may say something like this: "Hi, I'm _____, I'm an engineer (doctor, teacher, hairstylist) at ___." Sometimes I have a difficult time separating myself and my identity from what I do. I'm a mom, I volunteer at Lost Sheep Ministry, I'm an RN...but that's not really who I am. If tomorrow I became disabled and lost my children, and each of those titles slipped away...I would still be me. I would still belong to Jesus.

Excerpt from my journal last week: What if life is more about Him growing me, shaping me, working on the inside to make me who HE needs me to be, rather than being about what I do? What if the focus is on the process rather than the performance? That shifts my whole mindset. Instead of seeing each step with a specific goal/result, I can see each step I take (either forward or backwards) as part of the process of God's beautiful masterpiece. Instead of focusing on what career moves I make, I focus on seeking Him and following where He leads. I'm learning that His leading usually makes absolutely no sense when I look at it through human eyes, with a common-sense perspective.

But when I begin to follow Him step by step in faith, I am able to see a little more clearly. I am able to trust the small voice within my heart. I am able to do the things that don't make sense because I know Him. Because I know He works all things out for my good. Because I know that ultimately each choice I make with Him as my Lord will be used for His glory and to grow me however He sees fit.

It's not always easy. But childlike faith takes a lot of pressure off of me. I don't have to know all the answers. I absolutely can't give you my five year plan. I can tell you where I think He may be leading...but He tends to be a bit mysterious. And I like that.

I believe that God tends to prioritize the internal over the external. That is, the internal change over the external circumstances we pray so hard about. Because what we see now with our eyes is temporary..but what is within us is eternal. (2 Cor. 5:16) Get that kind of perspective, wrap your identity up in Him, and maybe what you "do" won't matter as much any more.

How big do I think I am?

Some days just feel so much heavier than others. There are certain things in my life that just cause me to be a mess. Am I setting my kids up for some serious therapy in their future? Is it even possible to get the grocery bill down further? And most frequently: what in the world am I supposed to do with my life??? Some of you know the path I've been on is a lot different than I had figured.

It will have been a year this May since I graduated from UT as an RN. I've applied several places and have had doors close repeatedly. Eventually I came to the conclusion that God blessed me with a year to grieve my hubby's death (since it happened while I was in school) and to be a mom, which is a huge job. I've worked hard at my own personal growth and allowing God's healing. I've volunteered, gone on a mission trip, met countless new faces, and developed some strong relationships with great encouragers in my life.

It has been undoubtedly a year of favor from the Lord. I am beyond blessed. Yet from time to time I have moments when not having a "job" really wrecks me. I feel the panic rise because I've determined if I don't get a job right now then no one will ever hire me. Ever. I'm so afraid I'm going to screw up everything and then all will be lost. God's gonna send a helicopter and a boat and a plane and I'll miss it and stay on the house and drown in the flood. (Yes, this is a story I hear A LOT. Stop telling it to me y'all. Please.)

But really...how big do I think I am? If the entire course of my life is hinged upon me choosing a perfect path at every intersection there is no way I'd end up doing anything right! I experienced all my anxiety and fretting and then realized that not a darn thing had changed since last week. Or even two days ago. God is still on His throne. Earth is still turning. I still have food in my refrigerator. He's still in complete control, and certain of the plans He has for my life. His promises to guide my steps and counsel me still stand. Things may change for the worse, or for the better...but for now, in this moment the only change has been in me.

Matthew 14 tells us about a time when Jesus walked on the water. Peter sees Him, and wants to go try it too. So Jesus says "come" and Peter steps out. "But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink cried out "Lord, save me!"" Immediately Jesus reaches down, pulls him out and says, "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And the winds stop. Boom.

I feel Jesus's strength tug me up out of the fear threatening to overtake me and hear Him say exactly that: "why did you doubt?" I love that the bible gives us this example of what to do when we are afraid to walk in faith; and that Jesus' response is immediate. The storm just stops. He IS in charge. He IS in control. When I begin to sink, I call out to Him in my confusion, frustration, fear, or regrets. He quiets the storm inside with calmness.

No matter how I choose, He still is on His throne. And He is really, really good at what He does.

Snip. Snip. Ouch.

"He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree..."

Yup, I'm a tree. And it's pruning time. Snip, snip, snip. Ouch.

As we get closer to God and submit ourselves with all our desires and flaws to the Master Gardener, we encounter moments in which He has to remove the dead branches so that we can be healthy. It's hard, and it hurts deeply. But without His pruning we would never develop into people with character and integrity, among other things.

Lately I have been brought to a place of complete emptiness, with nothing else to do but cry out from the bottom of the pit for His mercy. Knowing I have hope, but still feeling hopeless. Knowing I have His love, but somehow feeling unloved. Feeling caught on the edge of a cliff with nowhere to go, either forward or back. It's a rough place to be.

I've experienced something really incredible in that place, though. There's nothing like sitting there in your despair and then feeling sleeeeepy, like God gave you a cup of warm milk and a tylenol PM. That's happened to me twice now, and it's the weirdest, coolest feeling ever. I think, whoa, this is what the peace that passes all understanding feels like. This is what it feels like to be carried in the arms of Christ. The weirdest thing is I don't ever realize it right away. It's not a quick fix, like "Jesus, I need You," and then, boom, "oh, ok that's better." It's subtle and slow, but ever so tangible. That's kinda His way though.

The pruning is necessary, and it hurts, but He has promised NEVER to leave me. And He always keeps His word. So as I continue to trust Him through the pain...as I hand Him my foolish little girl heart that is learning through trials...He holds me. He looks in my eyes and says "trust me. I have good for you. This is only a moment, but I have promised you to make you new. And I keep my promises."

So prune away, Lord. I choose You.

the sin He won't forgive...

I like feeling happy. I mean, don't we all agree that we prefer to feel good, and not like we're stuck in the trenches? In fact, I've been on a pretty good roll lately with God and my emotions. We've been walking along, enjoying life, everything feeling like it's the way it should be. Sunshine and rainbows.

Wouldn't ya know it, that's when dumb-head Satan likes to mess with me the most. (Insert childish pouty lip here.)

This weekend my spirits took a nosedive into a deep, black hole. One of my friends likes to say "God lives at the bottom of the black hole", and I agree, except it was so dark I couldn't see Him. Obviously, lack of sleep and hormones played into this situation, but no matter the rationale I sure didn't like it. I wanted to go back to the happy place. I felt stuck. Round and round on the crazy-go-round with depression, negative self-talk, and anxiety. Yuck.

The verse He led me to on Friday night was Hebrews 5:8- "Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered." In other words, even though He was a Son of the Most High God, with an inheritance of righteousness, He still had to learn obedience through suffering. I can't learn unless I suffer. The easy road won't give me depth, it won't give me a gratitude for grace, and it won't help me learn how to hear and obey my Lord's voice.

SO true. Good stuff. It certainly helped me sleep that night. But this was just the very tip of the iceberg in my heart. God wanted to dig a little deeper into what was really troubling me.

I struggle a lot with perfectionism. I am always, always my worst critic. I am trying to unlearn some bad habits, and it's tough. I think I've applied this characteristic to my God-life as well. I say with my lips "thank you God, for saving a wretch like me" but deep down in my heart, even though I try to deny the pride, I feel like I've done pretty well. I'm a good person. I haven't screwed up so bad. I've stayed above the law, off the radar. I am forgiven and set free, but it's mostly because I've worked so hard to stay holy. As if I could make myself holy.

In talking with my Mom this morning, I realized that I've been searching and fearful of the sin He won't forgive. Certain that I'll do the one thing that will condemn me. He'll say "OH boy, now you've gotta go straight to hell." I know so clearly in my head that I am saved and bought at a price. He paid for me with His son. But deep down I'm waiting for Him to change His mind. It's too good to be true, at least for me. Surely the grace will run out.

But grace isn't really grace unless it MEANS something. He's forgiven me through and through, not just the little things I consider trivial (which is still sin and separates me from God without Christ in me), but also the big horrible things I may do now or far in the future. I cannot sin my way out of His crazy, outrageous, unending love. CAN'T DO IT. Can't. He's got me in His grip, I've bound myself to Him, and He won't let me fall even if I do stumble.

When I realize that, when I allow myself to confront and accept my brokenness, and allow Him to put it all back together better than before...I think that's the best way to combat the enemy when he comes to call.

Are you afraid of committing the one sin He won't forgive? It is for FREEDOM He set you free...so let Him extinguish that fear today.

How will you use your freedom?

If I could draw, I think you would agree that the picture in my head is amazing. But I can't draw, so I'm going to attempt to bring you into the story in my mind. It's a little long...but if you give it a few minutes, I pray the truth of it resonates deep within your soul. Let's begin...

 Imagine that you are having the time of your life. Everything is so incredibly fun and you feel so alive. You never have a shortage of friends to party with, perhaps drugs or alcohol make things even better. You are constantly complimented, everyone seems to love you. Or do they just love how you make them feel? Still, it's better than being alone. What could be better than this? Still...after awhile...you can't help feeling like your relationships are just a bit superficial. After people hang with you they split once you've given them what they've wanted. In the midst of the "fun", surrounded by people, the life that once made you feel so alive now feels empty. Like something is missing. But what? You try changing some things- new friends, a new job, maybe even trying out church. Things get worse. The emptiness takes over. You start turning to drugs or alcohol to escape it. All those fun things suffocate you now. Everything just seems to crush you. You run to the edge of yourself and find that you are in a cage. As far around as you can see, like an animal in a zoo, you are trapped.

Then you see something. A light. On the other side of the bars. You cry out- "HELP! Hey, help me! Please!" Desperately you run towards it, and the light becomes brighter. You get to the edge of the cage and realize it is a man. Frantically reaching, stretching your arm through the bars you grab onto his robe. "Save me!!! I can't get out of here!" you cry.

And just like that, the bars are gone.

You look around only to find you are alone in a field with this man, who calls himself Jesus.

His eyes are piercing, enough to see the depths of your anguish, and at the same time tender enough to soothe your soul.

And in that moment, you know you are whole. Safe. Loved. Wrapping you tightly in a bear hug, He whispers in your ear with a catch in His voice, "welcome, my beloved."

He takes your hand and leads you by His side across the hill. You had never much cared what was happening over there, but now you see clearly. Colors are so vivid, sounds so crystal clear, light brighter than you ever imagined. Laughter flows around you, joy lifts you up. People come forward to engage you in true friendship. This...THIS is life. This is what it feels to be alive. Dead to the old life which weighed you down, you are able to run and laugh with the other who have discovered what it means to truly LIVE. You look to Jesus and see the pleasure on His face at seeing you understand all this.

Then someone comes to visit. It's a curious, dark little creature...and he's come to bring you back "home." "Your friends miss you, you see. They are the ones who really know you. We need you back on the other side of the hill. You don't really think you belong here, do you?" He cackles, skeptically.

Confused, you look to Jesus. "Maybe he is right," you think. "Maybe once Jesus really gets to know me, He'll send me back anyways."

All of a sudden, He is right in your face. Those piercing eyes meet yours again. "Dear one, I set you free so you could be free indeed. Don't go back to that life of captivity. Don't go back to the cage. It is for freedom I set you free! You are free to choose, of course. But know that the price has been paid and you are no longer bound to that life you once lived. You are mine, and I love you. Exactly as you are."

Fire stirs deep within your soul as you wrap your mind around those words. You turn to the creature and respond "No. I'm staying here. I won't let you take me back to be your slave. I am free here." And you return to your true life, that which you were created to experience. All is well.

Galatians 5:1 (msg)- "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you."

This passage compares the life seeking our own selves to the life lived in Christ's freedom:

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way fruit appears in an orchard- things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. (Gal. 5:19-23, Msg)

So, the choice is yours. How will you use your freedom?