Accepting the struggle

 I love this verse! "For this is like the days of Noah to Me, When I swore that the waters of Noah would not flood the earth again; so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you nor will I rebuke you. For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but my lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and my covenant of peace will not be shaken," says the Lord who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:9-10. 

In the immediate year or so after Mike's death, I experienced a "honeymoon" period with God. He was all I had, and my relationship with Him became real and vibrant and life-giving at a time when I was heartbroken. 

This was HUGE for me, because it was the relationship with Jesus I had always wanted and tried to have. The kind that I thought we were all supposed to have. I felt like I finally was where I was supposed to be, spiritually speaking. I was being nurtured in a lush garden of grace. 

But (and you knew there was a but, didn't you?)... eventually I had to leave that place. I didn't want to. Who wants to leave paradise? Who wants to walk away from that? Not me!  God, however, decided it was time for me to walk down the mountain and back into the wilderness. The dry, desert time. When  everything seems harder. I know He is still there, but I just don't feel it. I still try to have devotional time every day...but the feel of His breath on my face is gone. 

The old me, the "religious me" that refuses to accept grace thinks it's my fault. I got a job. I got a boyfriend. I became too busy. I've pushed the Lord to the side. I, I, I. Catch the trend? When things were good between Jesus and I in that "lush garden of grace",  I felt like I walked in there, and it was my responsibility to stay there there. 

Here's the thing: while we do have times we push the Lord to the side...it's not really all about us. Is He not able to take us through both the lush jungles and dry deserts? Does His love wane when we become busy? Can He not draw us tenderly back time and time again? Isn't HE the one in charge here? 

He drew me near to His heart and carried me through the hardest experience in my life thus far. Life is made of seasons, though. That season was not intended to be a forever time...but to fill me and send me into the valley to minister to others. It became clear to me that I wasn't leaving room in my journey to accept the struggle. I want to be perfect, especially in my relationship with Christ. But I am His child, the responder to the relationship HE initiated.

Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's dry and crunchy. Sometimes I feel nothing. But I know. I KNOW: I still love Jesus, with all my heart. And isn't that what He really wants, anyways? Do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him (Micah 6:8). The Message version says it this way: don't take yourself too seriously, take God seriously. 

Let's not take ourselves so seriously, eh? The verse at the top reminds me that He kindly loves us and Has compassion on us. He died for us when we were still sinners! WE can accept our struggles, because HE accepts our struggles!! Accept the dry and crunchy and keep walking forward to the next season. Who knows what He has around the bend?? 

soul restoration

Dec. 10, 2012: I begin work for the first time as a registered nurse.

January 2013: Although I'm enjoying working, I'm exhausted! This job is stressful! So much to be responsible for and I'm figuring out most of it as I go. How am I supposed to work full time and still sleep? See my kids? Have time with Jesus? I mean...seriously. I'm wearing myself out.

February 2013: I begin working night shift. Welcome to a whole new level of exhaustion and stress, baby!  Although I feel certain I'm walking in the plans God has for me...what was He thinking?!?!

Feb. 23, 2013: A much needed weekend getaway to Grandma's, in which I am able to sleep uninterrupted for 10 hours!! God bless my grandparents! The kids go swimming and I have a break. Time to shop? :) ... Yet I feel the Lord trying to get my attention.

SO, I grab a cup of coffee from McDonald's and take my weary body down to sit by a noisy little brook on the local college campus. In a swing.

The swing was completely soaked, so I had to sit on a blanket. I must've looked so out of place, wrapped in a blankie on a swing in the middle of this rainy day. But I didn't care...because I realized sitting quietly by rushing water is my new most favorite thing in the world.

And after being there for 5 minutes, I realized I made the right choice. I felt His presence again. It was like breathing after being underwater too long. Or a glass of water when you're completely parched.

If you've never felt that way...I know it sounds insane. I never understood the whole "as the deer pants for the water" thing either. But I experienced it that day.

I was completely and totally depleted: physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had nothing to offer anyone and was quickly becoming depressed. I missed Him. I missed our morning quiet moments together before I started to work. I missed the way when I meet with Him each day I remember who I am.

See, I had been starting to slip back into that whole "religious" mindset, of trying to earn grace, hating myself, and feeling like a disappointment to my Abba.

And honestly! Imagine, a disappointment to Him. He set that one right straightaway. "I MADE YOU. From the time I knit you together with every detail planned, until now; in every moment you've hid your face in shame, I have loved you. You have never disappointed me. I know you cannot understand unconditional love through your conditional human eyes. But trust me. My Word is true, and nothing can separate you from my love."

At that point I was a soggy mess. But I felt like I could breathe again. We begin to "talk" about the blessings He's brought into my life lately. I was able to feel happiness again, have thankfulness; to give praise.

As I looked at the water I thought of that beautiful Psalm: "He leads me beside still waters...He restores my soul."

True. Completely true. My soul was brought back that day, from close to flatlining to normal sinus rhythm (yep...cardiac nurse now!). We so easily slip into the grind of each day, and without that time with Him to refresh we become apathetic, bitter, resentful and exhausted. Because we weren't meant to go it alone! It's easy to become distracted and forget. I quite honestly can't imagine how I'm gonna do those quiet times on my 5am wake-up days...but I have been reminded that they aren't really suggested as much as vital to our ability to live the full kingdom life now. And I want to feel that life now, rather than get all dried up and crabby again. How about you?

I. AM. HIS.

This morning at Knoxlife Pastor Sean talked about how we sometimes use religion as a sort of gauge of how well we are pleasing God. Those weren't his exact words: that's my summary.

When we're following the rules, we're super pleasing to God. But when we break them we fall out of His favor. He is upset/disappointed and we must repent or do SOMETHING to get back on His good side. Sometimes we aren't even aware of how the rules of religion affect us until we mess up (which is probably really often!)

The law is tangible. It makes sense to our tiny human minds. It's something that we feel comfortable with because we understand it.

But God and His kingdom are far, far beyond our comprehension. When Jesus came and died it became possible to live that free kingdom life NOW. He fulfilled the law. Now we can rest in His arms without striving for His approval. Yet....we forget that last part. Or we feel like it's too good to be true.

Ultimately I just had a really rough morning. (I believe equal parts of PMS and satan are to blame). I felt like a giant super sinner that continues to make stupid choices. An idiot. Feeling that I'm not pleasing to God at the moment. Not sure how to even fix it. But just kept feeling this voice say "you can do better. you can BE better."

UGH.

So tonight I continue trying to process what happened at church. Trying to understand what in the world caused that hot mess. And this thought came to mind. God: "Do you think I see you any differently now than a year ago?"(At which point I had to try really hard to even think about where I was a year ago!) But seriously- whether I feel close, or far; whether I'm being Jenny super Christian or just a worn out mom yelling at her kids...

...has anything that I've done recently made God see me any differently than He did a year ago?

Two years ago? The circumstances in my life change daily, and so does my behavior (both good and bad) - and my mindset. BUT GOD DOES NOT. He is unchanging. His LOVE is unchanging. He sees me and loves me the same day in and day out. Regardless of anything I have or have not done. Regardless of my emotions. Regardless even of whether or not I believe it and accept it- His love is constant.

I will probably never be able to grasp that this side of heaven. Grace. It's free, unearned, unexplainable. Not only have I been pardoned...but I have been pardoned with LOVE. I am wanted, cherished, value, and worthy. I am HIS. I've gotta stay close by His side so I can shout that back at the voices of doubt and condemnation that drain me. I. AM. HIS. And He said "It is finished."