Dec. 10, 2012: I begin work for the first time as a registered nurse.
January 2013: Although I'm enjoying working, I'm exhausted! This job is stressful! So much to be responsible for and I'm figuring out most of it as I go. How am I supposed to work full time and still sleep? See my kids? Have time with Jesus? I mean...seriously. I'm wearing myself out.
February 2013: I begin working night shift. Welcome to a whole new level of exhaustion and stress, baby! Although I feel certain I'm walking in the plans God has for me...what was He thinking?!?!
Feb. 23, 2013: A much needed weekend getaway to Grandma's, in which I am able to sleep uninterrupted for 10 hours!! God bless my grandparents! The kids go swimming and I have a break. Time to shop? :) ... Yet I feel the Lord trying to get my attention.
SO, I grab a cup of coffee from McDonald's and take my weary body down to sit by a noisy little brook on the local college campus. In a swing.
The swing was completely soaked, so I had to sit on a blanket. I must've looked so out of place, wrapped in a blankie on a swing in the middle of this rainy day. But I didn't care...because I realized sitting quietly by rushing water is my new most favorite thing in the world.
And after being there for 5 minutes, I realized I made the right choice. I felt His presence again. It was like breathing after being underwater too long. Or a glass of water when you're completely parched.
If you've never felt that way...I know it sounds insane. I never understood the whole "as the deer pants for the water" thing either. But I experienced it that day.
I was completely and totally depleted: physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had nothing to offer anyone and was quickly becoming depressed. I missed Him. I missed our morning quiet moments together before I started to work. I missed the way when I meet with Him each day I remember who I am.
See, I had been starting to slip back into that whole "religious" mindset, of trying to earn grace, hating myself, and feeling like a disappointment to my Abba.
And honestly! Imagine, a disappointment to Him. He set that one right straightaway. "I MADE YOU. From the time I knit you together with every detail planned, until now; in every moment you've hid your face in shame, I have loved you. You have never disappointed me. I know you cannot understand unconditional love through your conditional human eyes. But trust me. My Word is true, and nothing can separate you from my love."
At that point I was a soggy mess. But I felt like I could breathe again. We begin to "talk" about the blessings He's brought into my life lately. I was able to feel happiness again, have thankfulness; to give praise.
As I looked at the water I thought of that beautiful Psalm: "He leads me beside still waters...He restores my soul."
True. Completely true. My soul was brought back that day, from close to flatlining to normal sinus rhythm (yep...cardiac nurse now!). We so easily slip into the grind of each day, and without that time with Him to refresh we become apathetic, bitter, resentful and exhausted. Because we weren't meant to go it alone! It's easy to become distracted and forget. I quite honestly can't imagine how I'm gonna do those quiet times on my 5am wake-up days...but I have been reminded that they aren't really suggested as much as vital to our ability to live the full kingdom life now. And I want to feel that life now, rather than get all dried up and crabby again. How about you?
