Closer than a breath

This morning I was working through some stuff. There's things in my life that need to go and like Peter, I feel like I'm being sifted like wheat. (Luke 22:31)

In the workbook I'm doing, the theme for the week is "overcoming the fear of joy." For some of us, there is always an expectation for the other shoe to drop. We get excited about things, but can never fully allow ourselves to appreciate them and feel true joy because we fear that ultimately disappointment will occur.

One facet to that mindset is how we view God. Actually, it's probably the foundation to how we feel about joy. On a surface level, in our minds, I'm sure we can all come up with the sunday school answer: "oh, God is love. definitely. absolutely."

But dig deeper. Examine your heart. Really, truly, how do YOU see God?
For me, this exposed a lot.

I know that He loves me. No doubt. But I feel like He is so far away, up in heaven, very holy and unable to be up close with me. Perhaps not wanting to get to close.  He's got bigger things to do than hang out with me. He made me, He loves me, but maybe doesn't actually enjoy being around me.

I tend to see Jesus as the fun guy...and God as the dad and disciplinarian up in heaven.

So as always, when there is discord between what I believe and what is truth, I have to review the only hint of Him that we have: the bible.

"The compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." (Ex. 34:6)

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zeph. 3:17- My FAVE)

"Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Rom 5:5)

Not to mention the huge, amazing fact that He sent His son so that the gap between us was closed and He could just be with us.

Scripture after scripture describes a God who is not distant, scrooge-like, legalistic, demanding...but rather intensely loving us.

And yet....I couldn't grasp it. I felt that I was still distanced from Him in my mind. I prayed so hard that I would see Him as He truly IS, not what I have created Him to be.

And then I began my daily affirmations (we're suppose to say these 5x a day)...and He heard my prayer and drew near. I didn't make it past numero uno.

#1- I accept God's love for me.

With my eyes closed, I pictured Him, prompting me, pushing me "really? do you really accept it? really?" I imagined His face right up in front of mine, His breath on my face as He spoke to me. Fiercely trying to get me to SEE.

And I did. And I wept.

I accept God's love for me. I accept God's LOVE for ME.

Take some time to examine how you see Him. You may be surprised at what you find. Let Him reveal Himself as He is, and blow your socks off.

Hey, look up!

Last week I slipped back in some areas. For whatever reason, I tend to either have it all together or it all falls apart. Well, ok, I guess I never REALLY have it all together :), but when I get overwhelmed with all the "stuff" of life, sometimes I kinda give up and let it all go. As a single mom who has a good deal to manage and hold together, letting everything overwhelm me is a formula for disaster.

Luckily it was Oswald to the rescue! I have been doing devotionals in "My Utmost For His Highest"by Oswald Chambers. I do this sporadically at best, and some days just don't seem to apply at all. Every now and then there is something that just speaks directly at me. I LOVE those days.

This particular devo revolved around the verse "Look to me.." in Isaiah 45:22. We get so preoccupied with everything in our day to day lives. It's easy to do. Our struggles and temptations, yes, but also just the "stuff" we are required to do. Decisions we have to make. The awesome thing is that all the chaos in our minds totally vanishes when we look to Him. I can absolutely testify to that.

When I spend time just sitting with Him, talking to Him (still working on the listening part ;) ), I feel peace. Crazy, supernatural peace that is totally unattainable without that time with Him. Everything else seems to make sense. Life doesn't seem so overwhelming. There's a reason He says in Matthew 6:33- Seek first MY kingdom, and then everything else will be taken care of (I'm paraphrasing). He says it because it's the truth. There's absolutely nothing I have coming at me that He:  a) doesn't already know about, and b) cannot handle. So it makes sense to put it all in His hands anyways.

And the best part is that the more I spend time with Him, the more I WANT to spend time with Him. I used to feel like I had to do it. It wasn't really out of love. It was a task to complete because that's what Christians do. But over the last few years He has tenderly drawn me into this great relationship of love. Just sit with Him. Just love Him. Make it #1 on your list. Everything else will fade away and fit into your life in the proper places. If you don't, the rush of other things will obscure your view of Him, and you will be overwhelmed. Don't be hurried out of abiding in Him. Look up :)

Tag, I'm it!!

the rules: 

1. you must post the rules

2. post eleven facts about yourself on the blog post

3. answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post,

 and then create eleven new questions to as the people you've tagged

4. tag people and link them on your post

5. let them know you've tagged them

11 Facts about me:

1. I've played a variety of musical instruments. Basically, I can learn fairly quickly anything you throw at me, although reed instruments always gave me a harder time. God gave me an ear and mind for music and I am so glad.

2. I always wanted my life to turn out like the show Friends. 

3. I am a very passionate person. I love color, life, sound, intensity, laughter. I have a lot of feelings, so sometimes I get hurt easily.

4.  I'm not easily satisfied with doing things the "safe" way. You know, the smart, planning, logical way. I am spontaneous. I am impatient. Sometimes this gets me in trouble. 

5. I prefer salty snacks to sweet. Unless you combine the two...then it's just fantastic. 

6. I once cut my right index finger while washing dishes. It cut through the nerve so now it's numb and goes to sleep from time to time. Just a really weird feeling. As a matter of fact, it's numb right now!

7. I am a summer girl. I love to garden. There's nothing like growing your own food, just being outside in the garden, cool breeze in the evening, sipping a beer with some friends in the yard. Perfection.

8. I am not a classy broad. I am too down to earth and love to laugh at myself. I will never be refined, although I do hope to come across as kind and polite.

9. I have been told I am a great cook, and "someday some man will appreciate it." Maybe my son? Haha. I do love to cook. I love flavor..nothing blah here. But then that goes along with the passionate personality thing.

10. I have been playing the guitar and singing almost every night after the kids go to bed. Maybe someday you'll see me in a coffee shop near you?

11. I believe God has called me to a very different path. I am super excited about the potential of being used to feed his sheep, namely the homeless population in Knoxville. I want nothing more than to see His kingdom on earth right now.

Questions from Jenna:

1. If you could travel anywhere where would it be? Oh man. There's like a gazillion places. But off the top of my head, Brazil or Spain.

2. Favorite nail polish color: Depends on my mood. 

3. What would your dream job be? If I could be paid for it, leading praise and worship around the community. Starting a shelter for women with children. Well, I guess that would still be my dream job whether I was paid or not.

4. Fave bible verse: Wow..I guess I would have to say all of Psalm 37. It's just perfect for me.

5. Family memory from childhood: I've blocked them all out. No, seriously, um... we took a vacation to Tennessee when I was about 12, and that's when I knew I loved Tennessee and wanted to live here one day.

6. One thing I can't live without: Well, water. But if you mean something I looooove, then it would be music. Hands down. I'd be nutty if it didn't exist anymore.

7. The most inspiring person in my life?: Can I say Jon Acuff? I mean, he isn't actually IN my life, but I read his blogs every day and they are absolutely amazing. They make me laugh out loud. It's awesome.

8. One thing I wish I had but don't: Sometimes I think a date would be nice. Then I remember that I'm not a classy broad. So I'd probably just embarrass myself ;)

9. What is something I'd do if I wasn't afraid to do it? Oh goodness. Tough question. I do things I'm afraid of a lot. BUT I think I would just completely sell everything I own and follow God to the ends of the earth if I was braver.

10. What is your biggest fear: I'm not telling.

11. A book that describes me and why: Boundaries. It's a self help book on setting them. And I am working on learning how to do that. It's a long road but you gotta start somewhere.

Questions for my tagged peeps:

1. What's your favorite genre of music or artist?

2. Where do you think you belong within the body of Christ? (What gifts do you have to serve with?)

3. What would you do with a million dollars? 

4. Have you read Jon Acuff's "Stuff Christians Like"? (You should!)

5. What would you name your first child?

6. Is there something about yourself that you absolutely love?

7. When did you start your walk with Jesus? Or have you?

8. Who are you closest to in your family?

9. What is one of your greatest pet peeves?

10. What's your favorite time of day?

11. What's your favorite thing to do in the winter? Summer?

My tags

Reagan @ Silent Reflection

Chelsey @ This is my temporary home

Ashley @ Adventure is Out There

Misunderstood

Lately I've become aware of the fact that perhaps God may be misunderstood. I'm not sure if I'm the best representative to speak on His behalf, but some things need to be said, so guess I'm gonna say 'em.

I read an article in the Sunday newspaper "Imagining no God means playing God" by Tim Lee. You can read the article  here . This article talked about a man, Isler, who after being raised Methodist became an atheist. For Isler, "with age came deeper introspection into the seeming conflict between his religious beliefs and the real world, a world where the existence of evil and suffering contravened his religion's all-loving, all-powerful God." In other words- how could this loving God allow such suffering and pain?  Compounding the issue for him was the fact that God would send people to hell. These inconsistencies in the religious teaching he received caused him to determine that there was no God.

I've heard this a lot- how can a loving God allow such pain? If God is love, would He send people to eternal suffering? In our human, logical minds, it doesn't add up. But here's the thing- there's nothing logical or mathematical about God and Jesus.

God is not human. He's not a super awesome version of ourselves that we can imagine up. He is HOLY.  He can't be around our sin because of that holiness. It is who He is. We have sin because Adam and Eve made a choice to go their own way, instead of His way. Our inheritance from that choice is our sin nature- inside our very core, dispelling the popular notion that all people are inherently good. Just kinda the way it goes. That's the cards we are dealt. Despite what religion may tell you, you can't work your way out of it, you can't shine up your shoes and do good things and make yourself holy. You can't fix this. Our sin nature is who we are.

SO here comes the good great news: He wouldn't be satisfied with this separation. God absolutely refused to let us go to hell without a fight- He paid the highest cost possible. He sent His son, Jesus. Again, you can't be logical here- your mind can't figure it out. Jesus came, He died, He rose again from the dead, and He loves you. With a crazy, unyielding, unstoppable love. And it's free! See, God paid the greatest cost with no way for us to repay Him. There's no ulterior motive on His part. He just wants to be with His kids. All that is required of us is acceptance. Gift: offered. We accept. End of story.

Now instead of a sin nature as an inheritance, we are heirs to the kingdom of God, and we can have that kingdom life now. We can have a life of peace, joy, hope, even when things are bleak.

Because yes, this world is broken. Painful, horrible things happen here. There's no doubt about that. What I've learned is that often He prioritizes the inner growth over the outer miracle. No pain we ever experience is greater than the love He will give in it's place. He weeps with us. He weeps FOR us. Luke 19:41-44 says that He wept for His kids as He rode into Jerusalem.

In 2 Peter 3:9, it says He isn't really being slow about his promise (to return), as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.

He's waiting..for YOU. He doesn't want anyone to perish. Try to get rid of the judgmental God you have in your mind, and let what is real and true replace it. He adores you. He fights for you. He just wants to be with you. Really....that is the truth. All He wants you to do is accept it.

Why we need winter

Right now we are in the midst of winter- cold, grey, rainy, perhaps snow soon. The leaves have long since fallen to the ground. It's bare, empty, and not very pretty out there. Perhaps some of us are walking in a winter season with Jesus.

 Sometimes we have periods in our lives where everything seems to be stripped away. Things are pruned back- painful cutting out of perhaps unhealthy behaviors or dependency on something other than Christ. Sometimes even good things are removed- a close friend dies, a ministry we enjoyed fails to continue, or a child moves away from home. We may feel alone and isolated. We may feel like even Jesus has left us (even though we know he has not: Hebrews 13:5). It's cold and dry and barren inside our hearts. It's painfully still, and terribly silent.

What does it all mean??? Have I sinned so much that He can't stand to be around me anymore? Romans 5 of the Message bible says no: He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.

Does he want me to suffer and be alone? In Jeremiah 29:11, He says: I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you a future of hope!

So why the pain? Why the pruning? Why is this necessary? WHY do I need winter?
In winter, gardeners prune back plants usually for three reasons- to bear more fruit/increased growth, to become healthier, and to have better shape.

God wants you to bear good, healthy fruit- the fruit of His Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control). The Message bible puts it this way (I LOVE this version!): But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard- things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

He wants His kids to bear good fruit that won't spoil, no yucky useless fruit here. He wants us to be well, not just "ok" or happy, but truly well and whole. Some things may have to be removed from our lives for that to happen. And when he prunes us, He is also shaping us and preparing us to be more like Him, and to be ready for that "hopeful future" we saw in Jeremiah 29:11. Since He alone has complete knowledge of the future, He has the right to do whatever is necessary to get us ready for it. And sometimes, often times, it's the painful winter season in our hearts that shapes us the most.

It also creates a longing for spring. Oh how we LONG for that fresh, new, life-filled season to come! We wait, and we watch, and we press on- even through the winter. Spring ALWAYS comes. We know it is true.

And so, I leave you with this, Romans 5:5, Msg: We continue to shout our praise even when we are hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary- we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

Bust out the hats, scarves, and gloves and dig into His Word. This winter will pass, and soon we will feel and see the coming of spring as we wait in alert expectancy!

Satisfy me Lord

Earlier in the week I posted a Tenth Avenue North song that had really brought me into worship with God. I had said there was two songs that inspired me...this is the other! I absolutely LOVE this song. Isaiah 58:11 says "And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." Beautiful words from a beautiful Lord. He is continually guiding us and gives us strength. As long as our source is Him, the love flowing out from us will not fail. Let Him satisfy us all!

Satisfy by Tenth Avenue North

Before the sun has touched the sky
colors bursting from Your eyes
before the flood of the morning light
before the earth has felt Your heat
before I stand up to my feet
before I begin to feel this week

Satisfy me Lord
Satisfy me Lord
I'm begging you, help me see
You're all I want, You're what I need
Oh satisfy me Lord

When the day is closing in
like the stars in the night I am falling
into the pull of the earth and it's affections
In me, Oh Lord, can You create
a pure heart, cause I'm afraid
that I just might run back to the things I hate

Satisfy me Lord
Satisfy me Lord
I'm begging you help me see
You're all I want, You're what I need
oh satisfy me Lord

You're beautiful....
You're more than all this world can give
You're beautiful...
Your love is all I need to live

Satisfy me Lord
Satisfy me

Ale!

(That's Haitian Creole for go, not excitement about a beer...)

Yes, I'm going to GO to Haiti in March. I am so very excited!! I've never been on a mission trip out of the country before. Last year I had a desire to go and serve but wasn't able to do so. I am so thankful to have the opportunity to go with my church, Calvary Baptist, for spring break this year. It's not very often that a chance for something like this presents itself. Well, for me anyways. :)

There is of course, the to-do list: passport, vaccines, arranging childcare (thanks Mom!!!!), and of course, fund-raising. I've also been reading up on what to expect when I get there.

It's funny because now that I've really started preparing for it, the fears have set in. Evidently our government says it's a pretty hostile place. Being the only living parent for my kids, obviously I feel a great need to stay alive for them. I don't worry so much about cholera as I do getting shot. But ultimately the Lord reminded me that He is in charge, and any number of things could happen to me right here in the US. The fact that I'm still breathing is because He wants it to be so. And my children belong to Him...He formed them without my say-so and He will continue to care and provide for them with or without me. (Always humbling when He gently reminds me of that!)

Also I am ridiculously phobic of airplane flying. I cry when we take off. It's pretty bad. And driving to Haiti is not an option.

So, CLEARLY there are some huge prayer opportunities for you! I need any and all prayers you can offer up on my behalf, but specifically that His will would be done in and through me both here and in Haiti. If it is that I should go, then let's go!  Also, that I would have peace and safety both in the air and on the ground. And that God would watch over and protect my children and Mom back here in the US.

Ultimately I am going for the purpose of being the hands and feet of Jesus, to show love to those who feel neglected and in despair. I also enjoy doing that here in the US. I believe we can serve wherever he plants us. So where will you "go" today? Tomorrow? In March?

One last thing: yes, I need some financial support as well. Please consider if there's anything you can give, even if it's $5! :) I know times are tough financially for everyone...but I also know that the amount I have to raise is probably peanuts to God. So just think about it and pray about it! Thanks in advance for all the love and support!!

Address for any donations is:
Calvary Baptist Church
c/o Jennifer McCombs- Haiti Trip
3200 Kingston Pike
Knoxville, TN 37919

Empty my hands

I spent the drive to Florida and back being inspired and reminded just how much Jesus loves me. I listened to Knoxlife podcasts (which you can download here ) and a lot of really great music. Tenth Avenue North frequents the radio but I haven't really listened to them that much. Let me tell you, they are amazing! The lyrics are just so right on for the cry of my heart. Two songs are sticking with me the most, so I am going to do two posts about them. :)

Empty my hands...awesome song. Click the link below and listen. And read the lyrics. It's eerie sometimes when artists get the words so right. But also comforting to know you aren't the only one who is struggling.

I've got voices in my head and they are so strong
And I'm getting sick of this, oh Lord, how long
will I be haunted by the fear that I believe?
My hands like locks on cages
of these dreams I can't set free

But if I get let these dreams die
If I lay down all my wounded pride
If I let these dreams die
Will I find that letting go lets me come alive?

So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Oh empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You

These voices speak instead and what's right is wrong
And I'm giving into them, please Lord, how long
Will I be held captive by the lies that I believe?
My heart's in constant chaos and it keeps me so deceived

But if I let these dreams die
If I could just lay down my dark desire
If I let these dreams die
will I find You brought me back to life?

So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Oh Lord, empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You

Cause my mind is like a building burning down
I need Your grace to keep me keep me from the ground
My heart is just a prisoner of war
A slave to what it wants, and to what I'm fighting for

So won't you empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Oh empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You.

With You, with You.
I need You, I need You now my Lord.


Amen?? Let HIM capture your mind today and set you free from all that holds you down. He says He will never put anything heavy or ill-fitting on His kids. WE ARE FREE. Seek Him with all you have. And know that He is there, even in your heartbreak and struggling.

A change of plans

I never really considered myself a "non-spontaneous" person. In fact, I never used to plan anything (which probably drove my mom crazy!). I always seemed to live in the moment, but being a mom brought many changes. I can't just do whatever, whenever anymore. I always need to think of their schedule and whether I need a babysitter. Gone are the late night trips to the gas station for beef jerky and haagen daaz.

Maybe that's why when plans change it takes me a minute (or an hour) to wrap my head around what's happening. It's like I can't move on to the next activity because I was expecting and planning for something different. So I have to take some time, switch my thinking, and then go forward.

Just today, I discovered my son has a hole through the center of his tooth. Turns out they didn't form enamel on the tops. Awesome, right? :/ So the dentist (who happens to be my dad) said he needed it filled within the next month. And also, my dad/dentist lives 13 hours from me.

We were planning to drive home tomorrow and then come back in a few weeks for the filling. That's a lot of driving for one mama and two kids. A whole lot. So I took a minute and said "wait. we are here now. lets stay on and do this now." Wow..makes sense! And luckily God blessed me with some kind and flexible friends who could help w/ my pets so I can do so.

But it STILL took me a minute to get it straight in my mind. OK, so I don't need to get up early. I need to plan a few more days of clothes. It took a few minutes to get it all together. And then I decided I needed to blog about it, because maybe I'm not the only one going through life with the plans changing right now.

And as I typed, I wrote something I didn't even know was in my mind: I can't move on to the next activity right away because I was planning and expecting something different.

I think there is something in that phrase for us. So many times in our lives things do not turn out as we expected. In fact we can nearly be guaranteed that at some point this will occur. When things get mixed up, take some time. Get alone with Him and refocus. Maybe this wasn't the way you wanted things to be, maybe a situation is completely different than expected. But we know that ALL things are in His hands. And He assures us that He will work all things together for our good (Jer. 29:11). And He loves us enough to be patient while we are working everything out in our minds. Just be confident that no matter how life looks right now, there is no detail out of His control!

 Just get your next step from Him and move forward. One step at a time.