I. Am. Exhausted.
Well, it is 1 in the morning, officially Halloween.
Finishing up a term paper, although I am using the term "finishing" loosely. Still have a bit to go. It's due Monday so I guess tomorrow will be the big day/night to get it done. In between church and evening festivities. Geesh.
Recently I have been very mellow/sad. Not exactly sure why. Some days can be so great, some not so great. Isn't that the life of a woman? :) Hormones are just wonderful, eh?
But the thing that I have the hardest time hashing out is being ok with feeling this way without having a definite reason, despite the fact that I have been given so much I should be jubilant all the time.
I mean, it should be a mind over matter thing, right? We have been given eternal life! I have two beautiful children! I am somewhat successful in nursing! I just bought yummy hummus! So why so blue?
Pondering further, I realized how many scriptures are in the word regarding feeling that way.
Psalm 34:18- The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 73:26- My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 22:24- For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.
So, obviously I am not the first person to feel down :P
People have been brokenhearted or sad since the beginning. My guess is Eve was probably a bit depressed, to say the least, after getting them kicked out of Eden! (I can't even imagine how that felt!) My amazing plethora of emotions was created within me when I was made in the womb. So no emotion that I feel is beyond God, nor does he look upon it with "disdain." He is right there, maybe sad with me. So many times it talks about how he is there in times of trouble. And, unlike myself, He can see into the future to when I will feel joy again. :) Knowing me, it'll be Monday or something. Can we say mood swings?? :)
For now, as we our called to bear with one another in love...I think maybe I should grant the same to myself, understanding that this too shall pass.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Under His wings
Recently our pastor Dan did an excellent message. (I completely encourage you to listen to it. Just go to knoxcalvary.com and click on "watch online").
The message was about marriage, in short. He described Jesus' parents having a near divorce (look in Matthew) and ended with Ruth and Boaz. Ruth sought Boaz out as her kinsman-redeemer after her husband's death. This was actually under the advice of her mother-in-law. (Which I have to say, if my mother-in-law starts trying to hook me up with older, related men, things might get weird. So go Ruth for your gumption!)
She approached Boaz on what was called the threshing floor, and asked him to cover her with his "wings" (in the ESV version of the bible). Pastor Dan brought out the prayer shawl used by Jews and showed the wings to be the ends or tassels of the prayer shawl. Essentially Ruth was asking Boaz to protect and provide for her, and draw her to him under this protection.
God has a similar scripture in Psalms 91:4; "Under His wings you may seek refuge." This is actually one of my faves, but I never had a visual picture to go with it. Just figured God had wings, or something.
But now I get it! God is our protector, provider. He draws us to him, under his wings of protection. His Holy Spirit prays for us, like the Jews with the prayer shawl symbolically cover their wives.
This may not impact you like it did me, but just think: He is our covering. We are protected. There is nowhere you go that He has not already been. If you draw near to Him, you are under his care.
Those of you who are married, extend this to your earthly husbands. They are to cover you with prayer, protection, guidance, and love, and to provide for you. In turn, you give them respect and honor.
Pastor Dan had the married couples have communion together and the husband to pray over his wife. How powerful!! Yes, I had a breakdown because who do I have now?? But what a way to strengthen your marriage! Wives, ask your husbands to pray a prayer of protection over you. "A strand of three cords is not easily broken."
Don't be naive and think Satan will not go after your marriage. I think Christian marriages are one of his favorites to break apart. Prayer changes things, most notably your heart. Please know that I am not trying to preach here. This is for me too: Mike and I had a lot of difficulty at times in our marriage. I can see now that humbling ourselves and praying for one another out loud would have helped.
Regarding the "who do I have now?" Last night my sweet friend and mentor Kathy (our pastor's wife) told me that she and Dan will cover me for now like Boaz with prayer and encouragement and whatever needs they can help with. I am blessed to have a church family that will stand and support me during this difficult time. I am blessed by tender leadership that weeps when I weep.
Seek refuge in His wings. It's the best place to be.
The message was about marriage, in short. He described Jesus' parents having a near divorce (look in Matthew) and ended with Ruth and Boaz. Ruth sought Boaz out as her kinsman-redeemer after her husband's death. This was actually under the advice of her mother-in-law. (Which I have to say, if my mother-in-law starts trying to hook me up with older, related men, things might get weird. So go Ruth for your gumption!)
She approached Boaz on what was called the threshing floor, and asked him to cover her with his "wings" (in the ESV version of the bible). Pastor Dan brought out the prayer shawl used by Jews and showed the wings to be the ends or tassels of the prayer shawl. Essentially Ruth was asking Boaz to protect and provide for her, and draw her to him under this protection.
God has a similar scripture in Psalms 91:4; "Under His wings you may seek refuge." This is actually one of my faves, but I never had a visual picture to go with it. Just figured God had wings, or something.
But now I get it! God is our protector, provider. He draws us to him, under his wings of protection. His Holy Spirit prays for us, like the Jews with the prayer shawl symbolically cover their wives.
This may not impact you like it did me, but just think: He is our covering. We are protected. There is nowhere you go that He has not already been. If you draw near to Him, you are under his care.
Those of you who are married, extend this to your earthly husbands. They are to cover you with prayer, protection, guidance, and love, and to provide for you. In turn, you give them respect and honor.
Pastor Dan had the married couples have communion together and the husband to pray over his wife. How powerful!! Yes, I had a breakdown because who do I have now?? But what a way to strengthen your marriage! Wives, ask your husbands to pray a prayer of protection over you. "A strand of three cords is not easily broken."
Don't be naive and think Satan will not go after your marriage. I think Christian marriages are one of his favorites to break apart. Prayer changes things, most notably your heart. Please know that I am not trying to preach here. This is for me too: Mike and I had a lot of difficulty at times in our marriage. I can see now that humbling ourselves and praying for one another out loud would have helped.
Regarding the "who do I have now?" Last night my sweet friend and mentor Kathy (our pastor's wife) told me that she and Dan will cover me for now like Boaz with prayer and encouragement and whatever needs they can help with. I am blessed to have a church family that will stand and support me during this difficult time. I am blessed by tender leadership that weeps when I weep.
Seek refuge in His wings. It's the best place to be.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Rose colored glasses
I've had a lot of "ponderings" this week. Unfortunately, I haven't had a bit of time to share them. But this one thought has stuck with me- perspective, as in how we see the world around us, is incredibly influential on mood.
I struggle a lot with being a cynic, seeing the glass half empty, etc. Negativity regarding my circumstances comes naturally. (It always has; this isn't a result of my most recent circumstances.) I am overcritical of myself, and that translates into being overcritical of my children, and having higher expectations of them then I should. Also of my dog...but that is for another blog!
I recently began reading "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. While I haven't had time to get past the first chapter :) that first chapter alone was so helpful and exciting! Evidently, my children are both spirited. I always knew Ewan was different, but this book helped me to see the spectrum of colors he brings into the world.
She talks about how we label our children, and much like food is labeled, it tells us exactly what is inside. So- grumpy, difficult, angry, disagreeable, and rude tell us what is inside our children. Sadly, the one negative label trumps all the goodness inside as well. She encourages us to see the flip side of each negative description: stubborn=tenacious, wild=energetic, nosy=curious, loud=zestful, etc. If you describe your child positively you begin to appreciate all those qualities that used to make you want to pull your hair out. This is the theory. While I believed she had a point, I have never bought into changing the world by the way you think.
SO...I gave it a shot. I have to admit, it really worked!! There are moments where I still lose my temper, or wish they both weren't screaming at each other in the backseat while I stand outside the car not wanting to get in.
But I have noticed more. I've noticed how Ewan is very perceptive and thoughtful, like when he said to me at the table, "do you want to be alone? Would you like me to leave?" or when I asked him to get me some water, he said "oh yes, I will Mommy" with a chuckle.
I've noticed how Allison does the absolutely most adorable things at the worst possible moments, but by ignoring the clock and enjoying her spunk and creativity, I get joy in return.
I am weary. I work hard to manage the behavior of two very spirited children. I am often ignored by them, the dog, and the cats. But I am blessed. They are more work, but they are more blessing. If I can just remember to let God help me put on my rose colored glasses and enjoy the gift He has given me by changing my perspective, I am given much.
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:2
I struggle a lot with being a cynic, seeing the glass half empty, etc. Negativity regarding my circumstances comes naturally. (It always has; this isn't a result of my most recent circumstances.) I am overcritical of myself, and that translates into being overcritical of my children, and having higher expectations of them then I should. Also of my dog...but that is for another blog!
I recently began reading "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. While I haven't had time to get past the first chapter :) that first chapter alone was so helpful and exciting! Evidently, my children are both spirited. I always knew Ewan was different, but this book helped me to see the spectrum of colors he brings into the world.
She talks about how we label our children, and much like food is labeled, it tells us exactly what is inside. So- grumpy, difficult, angry, disagreeable, and rude tell us what is inside our children. Sadly, the one negative label trumps all the goodness inside as well. She encourages us to see the flip side of each negative description: stubborn=tenacious, wild=energetic, nosy=curious, loud=zestful, etc. If you describe your child positively you begin to appreciate all those qualities that used to make you want to pull your hair out. This is the theory. While I believed she had a point, I have never bought into changing the world by the way you think.
SO...I gave it a shot. I have to admit, it really worked!! There are moments where I still lose my temper, or wish they both weren't screaming at each other in the backseat while I stand outside the car not wanting to get in.
But I have noticed more. I've noticed how Ewan is very perceptive and thoughtful, like when he said to me at the table, "do you want to be alone? Would you like me to leave?" or when I asked him to get me some water, he said "oh yes, I will Mommy" with a chuckle.
I've noticed how Allison does the absolutely most adorable things at the worst possible moments, but by ignoring the clock and enjoying her spunk and creativity, I get joy in return.
I am weary. I work hard to manage the behavior of two very spirited children. I am often ignored by them, the dog, and the cats. But I am blessed. They are more work, but they are more blessing. If I can just remember to let God help me put on my rose colored glasses and enjoy the gift He has given me by changing my perspective, I am given much.
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:2
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Seeing the forest from the trees
So..I'm frantically working on my research paper that is due in a week. Which isn't completely horrible; I do enjoy what I'm researching. I'm also at the same time checking my email, returning a call, eating oatmeal and drinking coffee. See, becoming a student/mom/housecleaner etc, etc, means that I have become a first class multi-tasker. I'm quite proficient at it, actually. My motor is running at a speed much quicker than most around me. The sad part though, is that in all the hurriedness, I forget to look around.
While my computer stops working because I lost the internet connection, I take a deep breath to calm down, and look out the window.
BREATHTAKING!
The fall colors on the tree and the blue sky is so vibrant, so marvelous, it can only be a creation of God. "Look at my beauty, rest in Me" is what I feel Him saying to me.
You see, when you get caught up in all the hurriedness (which quite frankly I believe is Satan's most used ploy to divert us from what is really important), you forget to see the forest from the trees.
The bigger picture. Today is just a day. This minute is just a moment, which will quickly pass. What will it all add up to? What is our purpose here? If every task on your to-do list gets done, what then? If we aren't developing within, we are without.
His mercies are new every morning, take a bit of time to accept them.
While my computer stops working because I lost the internet connection, I take a deep breath to calm down, and look out the window.
BREATHTAKING!
The fall colors on the tree and the blue sky is so vibrant, so marvelous, it can only be a creation of God. "Look at my beauty, rest in Me" is what I feel Him saying to me.
You see, when you get caught up in all the hurriedness (which quite frankly I believe is Satan's most used ploy to divert us from what is really important), you forget to see the forest from the trees.
The bigger picture. Today is just a day. This minute is just a moment, which will quickly pass. What will it all add up to? What is our purpose here? If every task on your to-do list gets done, what then? If we aren't developing within, we are without.
His mercies are new every morning, take a bit of time to accept them.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A fresh beginning
Many times in our lives we start on a new path. It gives a chance for a brand new beginning. A chance to make different choices. A chance to have renewed hope. Today I am beginning a blog. It is a place to document my thoughts, feelings, and revelations. It is not a significant new beginning, but I am nonetheless a little excited.
Some things I write may be funny, some sad, some silly, and some frustrating to you. But they are my thoughts. Mostly I am doing this because I will never have the opportunity to sit down and write a book. :) And often I feel like my life should be! Some of the things that happen truly remind me of a comedy. Or perhaps other days, a tragedy.
Our birth is our first beginning. When we as Christians are "born again," this too is a new beginning. We begin walking on a path toward our forever home. The path for each is remarkably different but for those who are believers, it leads to the same destination. Won't you join me on this journey?
Some things I write may be funny, some sad, some silly, and some frustrating to you. But they are my thoughts. Mostly I am doing this because I will never have the opportunity to sit down and write a book. :) And often I feel like my life should be! Some of the things that happen truly remind me of a comedy. Or perhaps other days, a tragedy.
Our birth is our first beginning. When we as Christians are "born again," this too is a new beginning. We begin walking on a path toward our forever home. The path for each is remarkably different but for those who are believers, it leads to the same destination. Won't you join me on this journey?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)