When things don't make sense.

I haven't blogged since Feb. 9th! Wow. It's not that God hasn't been moving and shaking things around in my head and heart. I've nearly filled a journal this month. But sometimes the stuff He's doing in me is so tedious and personal I don't know how to share it in this setting.

My journey is incredibly different than I could have expected. First a widow after 7 years of marriage. Then a closeness with Christ that is beyond words. And now this strange waiting, not unlike the Hebrews traveling in circles in the desert. Sometimes the security of the familiar past is more tempting then the promise of an unknown future.

I know my promised land is coming. So day by day I seek Him and wait. It's unnerving and I don't do it that well most days. But His tender love, His amusement with my impatience and impertinence keep me from giving up. 

It's funny how we feel like we are surrendered to Christ sometimes when we really aren't. We're doing all the things we are supposed to as Christians. We're taking care of our responsibilities. But the truly surrendered life happens when everything else is thrown overboard, every expectation, every plan and goal WE have for ourselves is lost. Instead of controlling and planning all the details of our lives, we seek Him every step. We do the things that don't make sense. We hold out for His best. We don't take a job that makes a ton of money and go into the ministry instead. We invite people into our home that maybe no one else thinks should be there. We serve and give without any expectation of return. 

And maybe it's just me. But given the amount of scriptures saying to trust, wait, and rely completely on the provision of God, I'm thinking maybe I'm not the only one He is working in to make completely, wholly surrendered to Him. 

The amazing thing is, when you let go and jump into this ocean of surrender it's kind of like going underwater and coming up into a new world, transformed into brilliancy. Everything is brighter, everything is richer, because everything is seen through the eyes of a child. That "child-like faith" thing? Oh yeah, it's beautiful. When I fall down, when I get confused, I sit at His feet and talk to Him like I'm his kid, BECAUSE I AM. 

He's my Father. He adores me. He wants good for me. And if I will just be patient and enjoy today, He will delight me with what He holds for me. 

For those who say "oh, that's silly, God isn't going to...you expect too much from life...from God...he doesn't care about the details...you need to do this..or that.." I say NO. You don't know how mighty God is. Walk with me for awhile and I'll be glad to tell you all about Him!

I don't want to wander around in the desert for the rest of my life. I want to have tenacity and hold on to what I know is true: God is going to deliver for me. Life doesn't make a lot of sense right now. But I'm moving forward with faith into my promised land.

Who's your Ninevah?

Friend, pull up a chair, we're going to chat about a familiar bible story, the story of Jonah. One of the benefits of having children is getting to re-learn all the bible stories with them. If you haven't seen it yet, check out the Veggie Tales version. :)

Anyways...I've always been so fascinated with the Jonah story. It's a 4 chapter book that has the most curious, open-ended ending. It's like a movie meant to have a sequel, but we never got to see it. Funding ran out or something. So weird. Read it and see!

So, Jonah was a man with the audacity to tell God "no." I mean, he was called to speak the word of God to others; he was a prophet. But Jonah made the decision who precisely he was called to speak to. He felt it was "God's people": the Jews/Israelites. Yet, God said- "get up, go to Ninevah." And Jonah said, "Say what?!?! Those aren't your people! Nope, not going!!" He got up and fled- got on a boat heading in the complete opposite direction.

I wonder how comical it was to God that Jonah was trying to outsmart Him. As if God wouldn't know where Jonah was! Long story short, there is a terrible storm, the guys on the boat figure out it's Jonah's fault, and throw Jonah overboard. The storm stops immediately (all the guys became God followers at that point!) and Jonah gets swallowed by a "great fish."

Three long days. Three long nights. There can be nothing good about hanging out in fish guts. Nothing. Yet Jonah cried out to the Lord and praised him in the midst of it. Pretty incredible in and of itself. Perhaps all is not lost with this guy. Then the fish pukes Jonah up onto the beach.

And God says again- "get up and go to Ninevah." This time, Jonah listens, and he walks through the city preaching that God is angry and they better get their act together before calamity comes from above.

"Then the people of Ninevah believed God; and they called a fast and put on sackcloth from the greatest to the least of them." (Jonah 3:5) Even the KING got off the throne and repented. This was a city-wide turn around here.
Awesome, right?!? Jonah preached it, and it worked!!! But silly Jonah...his heart is still so hard and self-righteous that he is ANGRY.

He thought they deserved the calamity. He didn't think they deserved a second chance. He was just trying to appease God, do the right thing, you know. But he didn't actually want them seated at his banquet table in heaven. Not them. So God says "Do you have good reason to be angry?"

Jonah says yes, and in fact, just kill me because that would be better than being alive right now. (What a dramatic dude!!) God allows this plant over Jonah's head to shrivel up and die, so then Jonah starts to bake in the sun, and he's sad for loss of the plant. God points out how crazy it is that Jonah has compassion on a PLANT, which is alive one day and dead the next, and yet he doesn't want GOD to have compassion on PEOPLE; 120,000 of them.

That scenario makes me think of Romans 2:3- "Do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that YOU will escape the judgment of God? Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?"

Jonah was so judge-y! Who is he to decide who gets to live in the freedom and grace of God's love? Yikes!!

Yet here's the rub- who is YOUR Ninevah?

Don't hide it- we've all got one. There's always one group, one type of person, SOMEONE that gets under our skin. Someone that we would rather run in the opposite direction from rather than hang out with.
I've noticed lately the trend is to turn up noses at the religious people in the church. Yes, Jesus got incredibly frustrated with the Pharisees. Yes, we aren't supposed to argue with them. I'm not sure what the perfect answer is as far as how to be Jesus to them. I just don't know. BUT I do know that the "religious" and "spiritual" in the church, who don't actually know Jesus at all, need Him just as much as the people you think deserve him.

Try to see clearly with His vision and purpose, keep your hearts soft and pliable before the Holy Spirit. He may just ask you one day to share God's word with your Ninevah. And when that day comes, you don't wanna be a hater sitting by a dead tree, do you? Yep, me neither.

Fear and other 4 letter words...

This week I had the privilege of being a part of Lost Sheep Ministry's Wednesday night outreach. You can read more about LSM here: Lost Sheep Ministry . For about a year I have had the desire to take church TO the homeless in Knoxville. There's so many people that would never darken the door of a church, so how awesome would it be to meet them right where they are? After all, that's how Jesus rolled.

Logistically, however, it was an undertaking I couldn't figure out how to begin. Imagine my surprise and joy when I found out that it is already happening in Knoxville!! Every Wednesday night, under the 1-40 bridge, LSM puts on a service, including music and preaching, and a hot meal for Knoxville's homeless neighbors. They also offer clothing, shoes, books/bibles, and prayer. The part I get to help with is the medical outreach- health screenings, first aid, etc.

God opened up some doors, and I walked through them. I know He has given me the skills I need to do this, but I'll be honest: I am one naive, sheltered chick. I am full of love and compassion for God's people, but I have NO idea how to minister to them. None. So there was definitely some anxiety when I went this week for the first time.

I felt totally inadequate for the job at hand. Uncomfortable. Afraid. All I could do is pray that Jesus worked through me, cause I was 100% out of my comfort zone. I'm sure that's how He wanted it, anyways. :)

The volunteer director walked me around the perimeter to orient me to how everything works. As we walked, one scripture filled my heart: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear. (1 John 4:18) Jesus is the only one who has perfect love. He IS love. When I was in fear, I was unable to really interact with the people He set before me. But when I allowed HIS perfect love to fill me and flow through me, and when I released those fears to Him, I was able to truly become His hands and feet.

I'm not saying I still didn't have moments of fear after that, BUT I learned to place those feelings in His hands. The miracle is that I began to be able to minister with a light and happy heart...hold a hand of one who was stressed, discuss sobriety with a proud young man who was doing the best he could.

Although I perhaps expected an overwhelming sense of "OH! This is what you have for me to do, Lord"...it didn't come. What did manifest within me was the slow, gentle work of the Holy Spirit leading me forward another step. I'm not sure I will ever say with certainty what He's got up His sleeve for my life..but for now I am blessed and content to take each opportunity one step at a time.