Trust through uncertainty

Sometimes most of the time, life is filled with uncertainty. I know for sure mine is, and I know that a lot of my friends are dealing with situations with unsure destinations. Trust. How can we apply that to a foggy future? How can we step out one foot at a time without really seeing where we are going? It goes against all our instincts. We are logical, thinking people who rely on common-sense when we make decisions. I read a devotional today that really helped me see this from a different perspective.

"Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life: gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God."I love that! He is so faithful, so dependable, always thinking of us with love; we can be certain of Him and who He is.

When we follow a religion/creed, are we believing God or our own beliefs? If we can abandon the hold on our beliefs, and tighten our hold on Him; if we can allow ourselves to become like children, accept the uncertainty of our future, and TRUST Him...then we can have a life of spontaneous joy and expectancy. Because He is an amazing God. He loves to delight us with Him, and with His gifts to us. It is always beautifully uncertain How he will move, but we can rest assured at the right time He will. It'll blow our minds. 

Stick with Him through the uncertainty. Keep your face turned to Him. "Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered in shame." (Ps. 34:5) The Message bible puts it like this: "Look at him; give him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from him." 

Be certain: He is working things out for you- you don't have to carry your burden alone, He goes before you, follows behind you, and carries you through the hardest places. And nothing, nothing can change that. I pray that these truths resonate deep within our hearts and souls as we learn to trust Him even when it's foggy ahead.

The process vs. performance

Much of life is centered around what we "do." Whenever you meet someone, it's typical to ask them, "So, what do you do?" When you introduce yourself you may say something like this: "Hi, I'm _____, I'm an engineer (doctor, teacher, hairstylist) at ___." Sometimes I have a difficult time separating myself and my identity from what I do. I'm a mom, I volunteer at Lost Sheep Ministry, I'm an RN...but that's not really who I am. If tomorrow I became disabled and lost my children, and each of those titles slipped away...I would still be me. I would still belong to Jesus.

Excerpt from my journal last week: What if life is more about Him growing me, shaping me, working on the inside to make me who HE needs me to be, rather than being about what I do? What if the focus is on the process rather than the performance? That shifts my whole mindset. Instead of seeing each step with a specific goal/result, I can see each step I take (either forward or backwards) as part of the process of God's beautiful masterpiece. Instead of focusing on what career moves I make, I focus on seeking Him and following where He leads. I'm learning that His leading usually makes absolutely no sense when I look at it through human eyes, with a common-sense perspective.

But when I begin to follow Him step by step in faith, I am able to see a little more clearly. I am able to trust the small voice within my heart. I am able to do the things that don't make sense because I know Him. Because I know He works all things out for my good. Because I know that ultimately each choice I make with Him as my Lord will be used for His glory and to grow me however He sees fit.

It's not always easy. But childlike faith takes a lot of pressure off of me. I don't have to know all the answers. I absolutely can't give you my five year plan. I can tell you where I think He may be leading...but He tends to be a bit mysterious. And I like that.

I believe that God tends to prioritize the internal over the external. That is, the internal change over the external circumstances we pray so hard about. Because what we see now with our eyes is temporary..but what is within us is eternal. (2 Cor. 5:16) Get that kind of perspective, wrap your identity up in Him, and maybe what you "do" won't matter as much any more.

How big do I think I am?

Some days just feel so much heavier than others. There are certain things in my life that just cause me to be a mess. Am I setting my kids up for some serious therapy in their future? Is it even possible to get the grocery bill down further? And most frequently: what in the world am I supposed to do with my life??? Some of you know the path I've been on is a lot different than I had figured.

It will have been a year this May since I graduated from UT as an RN. I've applied several places and have had doors close repeatedly. Eventually I came to the conclusion that God blessed me with a year to grieve my hubby's death (since it happened while I was in school) and to be a mom, which is a huge job. I've worked hard at my own personal growth and allowing God's healing. I've volunteered, gone on a mission trip, met countless new faces, and developed some strong relationships with great encouragers in my life.

It has been undoubtedly a year of favor from the Lord. I am beyond blessed. Yet from time to time I have moments when not having a "job" really wrecks me. I feel the panic rise because I've determined if I don't get a job right now then no one will ever hire me. Ever. I'm so afraid I'm going to screw up everything and then all will be lost. God's gonna send a helicopter and a boat and a plane and I'll miss it and stay on the house and drown in the flood. (Yes, this is a story I hear A LOT. Stop telling it to me y'all. Please.)

But really...how big do I think I am? If the entire course of my life is hinged upon me choosing a perfect path at every intersection there is no way I'd end up doing anything right! I experienced all my anxiety and fretting and then realized that not a darn thing had changed since last week. Or even two days ago. God is still on His throne. Earth is still turning. I still have food in my refrigerator. He's still in complete control, and certain of the plans He has for my life. His promises to guide my steps and counsel me still stand. Things may change for the worse, or for the better...but for now, in this moment the only change has been in me.

Matthew 14 tells us about a time when Jesus walked on the water. Peter sees Him, and wants to go try it too. So Jesus says "come" and Peter steps out. "But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink cried out "Lord, save me!"" Immediately Jesus reaches down, pulls him out and says, "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And the winds stop. Boom.

I feel Jesus's strength tug me up out of the fear threatening to overtake me and hear Him say exactly that: "why did you doubt?" I love that the bible gives us this example of what to do when we are afraid to walk in faith; and that Jesus' response is immediate. The storm just stops. He IS in charge. He IS in control. When I begin to sink, I call out to Him in my confusion, frustration, fear, or regrets. He quiets the storm inside with calmness.

No matter how I choose, He still is on His throne. And He is really, really good at what He does.

Snip. Snip. Ouch.

"He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree..."

Yup, I'm a tree. And it's pruning time. Snip, snip, snip. Ouch.

As we get closer to God and submit ourselves with all our desires and flaws to the Master Gardener, we encounter moments in which He has to remove the dead branches so that we can be healthy. It's hard, and it hurts deeply. But without His pruning we would never develop into people with character and integrity, among other things.

Lately I have been brought to a place of complete emptiness, with nothing else to do but cry out from the bottom of the pit for His mercy. Knowing I have hope, but still feeling hopeless. Knowing I have His love, but somehow feeling unloved. Feeling caught on the edge of a cliff with nowhere to go, either forward or back. It's a rough place to be.

I've experienced something really incredible in that place, though. There's nothing like sitting there in your despair and then feeling sleeeeepy, like God gave you a cup of warm milk and a tylenol PM. That's happened to me twice now, and it's the weirdest, coolest feeling ever. I think, whoa, this is what the peace that passes all understanding feels like. This is what it feels like to be carried in the arms of Christ. The weirdest thing is I don't ever realize it right away. It's not a quick fix, like "Jesus, I need You," and then, boom, "oh, ok that's better." It's subtle and slow, but ever so tangible. That's kinda His way though.

The pruning is necessary, and it hurts, but He has promised NEVER to leave me. And He always keeps His word. So as I continue to trust Him through the pain...as I hand Him my foolish little girl heart that is learning through trials...He holds me. He looks in my eyes and says "trust me. I have good for you. This is only a moment, but I have promised you to make you new. And I keep my promises."

So prune away, Lord. I choose You.

the sin He won't forgive...

I like feeling happy. I mean, don't we all agree that we prefer to feel good, and not like we're stuck in the trenches? In fact, I've been on a pretty good roll lately with God and my emotions. We've been walking along, enjoying life, everything feeling like it's the way it should be. Sunshine and rainbows.

Wouldn't ya know it, that's when dumb-head Satan likes to mess with me the most. (Insert childish pouty lip here.)

This weekend my spirits took a nosedive into a deep, black hole. One of my friends likes to say "God lives at the bottom of the black hole", and I agree, except it was so dark I couldn't see Him. Obviously, lack of sleep and hormones played into this situation, but no matter the rationale I sure didn't like it. I wanted to go back to the happy place. I felt stuck. Round and round on the crazy-go-round with depression, negative self-talk, and anxiety. Yuck.

The verse He led me to on Friday night was Hebrews 5:8- "Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered." In other words, even though He was a Son of the Most High God, with an inheritance of righteousness, He still had to learn obedience through suffering. I can't learn unless I suffer. The easy road won't give me depth, it won't give me a gratitude for grace, and it won't help me learn how to hear and obey my Lord's voice.

SO true. Good stuff. It certainly helped me sleep that night. But this was just the very tip of the iceberg in my heart. God wanted to dig a little deeper into what was really troubling me.

I struggle a lot with perfectionism. I am always, always my worst critic. I am trying to unlearn some bad habits, and it's tough. I think I've applied this characteristic to my God-life as well. I say with my lips "thank you God, for saving a wretch like me" but deep down in my heart, even though I try to deny the pride, I feel like I've done pretty well. I'm a good person. I haven't screwed up so bad. I've stayed above the law, off the radar. I am forgiven and set free, but it's mostly because I've worked so hard to stay holy. As if I could make myself holy.

In talking with my Mom this morning, I realized that I've been searching and fearful of the sin He won't forgive. Certain that I'll do the one thing that will condemn me. He'll say "OH boy, now you've gotta go straight to hell." I know so clearly in my head that I am saved and bought at a price. He paid for me with His son. But deep down I'm waiting for Him to change His mind. It's too good to be true, at least for me. Surely the grace will run out.

But grace isn't really grace unless it MEANS something. He's forgiven me through and through, not just the little things I consider trivial (which is still sin and separates me from God without Christ in me), but also the big horrible things I may do now or far in the future. I cannot sin my way out of His crazy, outrageous, unending love. CAN'T DO IT. Can't. He's got me in His grip, I've bound myself to Him, and He won't let me fall even if I do stumble.

When I realize that, when I allow myself to confront and accept my brokenness, and allow Him to put it all back together better than before...I think that's the best way to combat the enemy when he comes to call.

Are you afraid of committing the one sin He won't forgive? It is for FREEDOM He set you free...so let Him extinguish that fear today.

How will you use your freedom?

If I could draw, I think you would agree that the picture in my head is amazing. But I can't draw, so I'm going to attempt to bring you into the story in my mind. It's a little long...but if you give it a few minutes, I pray the truth of it resonates deep within your soul. Let's begin...

 Imagine that you are having the time of your life. Everything is so incredibly fun and you feel so alive. You never have a shortage of friends to party with, perhaps drugs or alcohol make things even better. You are constantly complimented, everyone seems to love you. Or do they just love how you make them feel? Still, it's better than being alone. What could be better than this? Still...after awhile...you can't help feeling like your relationships are just a bit superficial. After people hang with you they split once you've given them what they've wanted. In the midst of the "fun", surrounded by people, the life that once made you feel so alive now feels empty. Like something is missing. But what? You try changing some things- new friends, a new job, maybe even trying out church. Things get worse. The emptiness takes over. You start turning to drugs or alcohol to escape it. All those fun things suffocate you now. Everything just seems to crush you. You run to the edge of yourself and find that you are in a cage. As far around as you can see, like an animal in a zoo, you are trapped.

Then you see something. A light. On the other side of the bars. You cry out- "HELP! Hey, help me! Please!" Desperately you run towards it, and the light becomes brighter. You get to the edge of the cage and realize it is a man. Frantically reaching, stretching your arm through the bars you grab onto his robe. "Save me!!! I can't get out of here!" you cry.

And just like that, the bars are gone.

You look around only to find you are alone in a field with this man, who calls himself Jesus.

His eyes are piercing, enough to see the depths of your anguish, and at the same time tender enough to soothe your soul.

And in that moment, you know you are whole. Safe. Loved. Wrapping you tightly in a bear hug, He whispers in your ear with a catch in His voice, "welcome, my beloved."

He takes your hand and leads you by His side across the hill. You had never much cared what was happening over there, but now you see clearly. Colors are so vivid, sounds so crystal clear, light brighter than you ever imagined. Laughter flows around you, joy lifts you up. People come forward to engage you in true friendship. This...THIS is life. This is what it feels to be alive. Dead to the old life which weighed you down, you are able to run and laugh with the other who have discovered what it means to truly LIVE. You look to Jesus and see the pleasure on His face at seeing you understand all this.

Then someone comes to visit. It's a curious, dark little creature...and he's come to bring you back "home." "Your friends miss you, you see. They are the ones who really know you. We need you back on the other side of the hill. You don't really think you belong here, do you?" He cackles, skeptically.

Confused, you look to Jesus. "Maybe he is right," you think. "Maybe once Jesus really gets to know me, He'll send me back anyways."

All of a sudden, He is right in your face. Those piercing eyes meet yours again. "Dear one, I set you free so you could be free indeed. Don't go back to that life of captivity. Don't go back to the cage. It is for freedom I set you free! You are free to choose, of course. But know that the price has been paid and you are no longer bound to that life you once lived. You are mine, and I love you. Exactly as you are."

Fire stirs deep within your soul as you wrap your mind around those words. You turn to the creature and respond "No. I'm staying here. I won't let you take me back to be your slave. I am free here." And you return to your true life, that which you were created to experience. All is well.

Galatians 5:1 (msg)- "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you."

This passage compares the life seeking our own selves to the life lived in Christ's freedom:

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way fruit appears in an orchard- things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. (Gal. 5:19-23, Msg)

So, the choice is yours. How will you use your freedom?

Knowing vs. Knowing about

Ok- I'm addicted. The more I spend time alone simply listening for Him, resting in Him, waiting on Him...the more I want of it. Time spent alone with Jesus satisfies such a deep need within my soul. As I write I'm sitting on my front porch, the scent of honeysuckle swirling on the cool breeze around me, the first few stars in the dusky sky, the crickets and birds filling the air with a song, and I'm certain I'm in love. It's like for the first time, I'm really alive. I really accept myself, because he adores me. I can handle my faults and imperfections without hating myself for them, because He is using them to bring glory to His name.

Time alone with Him puts everything aright within me. Things are as they should be. Nothing is too big for Him to handle, nothing surprises or disappoints Him...therefore why should I be weighed down by things on my mind? Rather, I bring them to Jesus. I cast my troubles on Him, because He CARES for me! (1 Peter 5:7).

I love how the Bible is full of so much goodness, even a romance story! Song of Solomon can make me laugh- can you imagine a guy telling you your eyes are like doves? Hmm...thanks? But in so many ways it speaks of the tender, intimate love that Christ has for us, and for His bride, the church. It reminds us what pure, Godly romance can look like! It's easy to have that muddled up here on earth.

I love this verse: "Tell me where you're working- I love you so much. Tell me where you're tending your flocks, where you let them rest at noontime. Why should I be the one left out- outside the orbit of your tender care?" (Song of Solomon 1:7 Msg.)

It's absolutely the way I feel right now. Tell me where You will be- I'll be there. Tell me where to find You- I'll go. I don't want to miss another minute of Your presence. I just want to hang out with You all the time- where You're working, or resting. Why should I be sidelined? Draw me close, I want nothing else!

See, the difference between knowing ABOUT Jesus and knowing Jesus is exponential. How many years did I spend in the church, fighting my sins, fighting my self-doubt, self-hatred...and missing it all! Missing the best part. Missing the opportunity to be loved completely. It's a love that changes you from the inside out, that mends what's broken, that makes beautiful things out of dust. That makes you brand new.

Give Him your brokenness and He will create something beautiful. You'll never be the same.

Is He enough?

Life, especially my spiritual life, has come to a kind of plateau for me right now. I'm back into the grind of day to day life, still enjoying my morning quiet times, things just seem a little more still. I'm not getting as many new revelations from God as I felt I was this time last year. I'm learning to simply enjoy His presence. Maybe it's the calm before the storm. :)

But there were two things that hit me today that I want to share/dig into. 1- God loves us and guides us as individuals, not in a general manner; and 2- is He enough?

As my walk with Him has become more real to me, I've begun to see and appreciate how He speaks to me so specifically. Everything begins to seem connected. I am aware when there is an issue He wants to deal with, because things just become obvious. Like when I hear a scripture over, and over. And the amazing thing is that He does this in each and every one of us. Not only are we completely different in personality, likes/dislikes, etc, but we are also at very different points in our walk with Him. Amazing.

I've been listening to messages by a Knoxvillian pastor named Sean Alsobrooks for a few months now, and the thing he says that sticks with me the most is "God is good at what He does." Say that to yourself. It's so true, and I think we forget sometimes. I am here, I am available, but He does the work. He makes the changes. He orchestrates the details of my life as beautifully as He put the stars in place. It's beyond our comprehension, really, but it's the truth.

God so loves the world, but He also loves each one of us. I am His beloved. You can be, too. And though we may sit side by side and hear the same thing, we will each receive in our minds and hearts separate things because God is at work in us for His glory.

Now lately I've been a little concerned with my next step. Not anxious, but searching. Applying for different jobs, looking into different avenues of work. A few more doors have closed (nothing new), and I was getting a bit discouraged.

And then wham! He grabbed my heart. "What if you never work again? What if I never deliver your "promised land"? Am I enough? Is simply being in love with me enough for you?"

OH.

When the God of the universe speaks such questions to your heart...you get a little quiet inside. Am I more concerned with His guidance, His will, and serving Him more than I am in just being His child? Am I content for now with the reassurance He'll do something awesome later? If this was it...no big mighty woman of God path ahead..would I be satisfied? Like He told His disciples, "leave everything and follow Me." That's my true calling.

This is something I must digest for myself now, but I leave you with the same question: "Is being in love with Him enough for you? Is He enough?"