the sin He won't forgive...

I like feeling happy. I mean, don't we all agree that we prefer to feel good, and not like we're stuck in the trenches? In fact, I've been on a pretty good roll lately with God and my emotions. We've been walking along, enjoying life, everything feeling like it's the way it should be. Sunshine and rainbows.

Wouldn't ya know it, that's when dumb-head Satan likes to mess with me the most. (Insert childish pouty lip here.)

This weekend my spirits took a nosedive into a deep, black hole. One of my friends likes to say "God lives at the bottom of the black hole", and I agree, except it was so dark I couldn't see Him. Obviously, lack of sleep and hormones played into this situation, but no matter the rationale I sure didn't like it. I wanted to go back to the happy place. I felt stuck. Round and round on the crazy-go-round with depression, negative self-talk, and anxiety. Yuck.

The verse He led me to on Friday night was Hebrews 5:8- "Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered." In other words, even though He was a Son of the Most High God, with an inheritance of righteousness, He still had to learn obedience through suffering. I can't learn unless I suffer. The easy road won't give me depth, it won't give me a gratitude for grace, and it won't help me learn how to hear and obey my Lord's voice.

SO true. Good stuff. It certainly helped me sleep that night. But this was just the very tip of the iceberg in my heart. God wanted to dig a little deeper into what was really troubling me.

I struggle a lot with perfectionism. I am always, always my worst critic. I am trying to unlearn some bad habits, and it's tough. I think I've applied this characteristic to my God-life as well. I say with my lips "thank you God, for saving a wretch like me" but deep down in my heart, even though I try to deny the pride, I feel like I've done pretty well. I'm a good person. I haven't screwed up so bad. I've stayed above the law, off the radar. I am forgiven and set free, but it's mostly because I've worked so hard to stay holy. As if I could make myself holy.

In talking with my Mom this morning, I realized that I've been searching and fearful of the sin He won't forgive. Certain that I'll do the one thing that will condemn me. He'll say "OH boy, now you've gotta go straight to hell." I know so clearly in my head that I am saved and bought at a price. He paid for me with His son. But deep down I'm waiting for Him to change His mind. It's too good to be true, at least for me. Surely the grace will run out.

But grace isn't really grace unless it MEANS something. He's forgiven me through and through, not just the little things I consider trivial (which is still sin and separates me from God without Christ in me), but also the big horrible things I may do now or far in the future. I cannot sin my way out of His crazy, outrageous, unending love. CAN'T DO IT. Can't. He's got me in His grip, I've bound myself to Him, and He won't let me fall even if I do stumble.

When I realize that, when I allow myself to confront and accept my brokenness, and allow Him to put it all back together better than before...I think that's the best way to combat the enemy when he comes to call.

Are you afraid of committing the one sin He won't forgive? It is for FREEDOM He set you free...so let Him extinguish that fear today.