How big do I think I am?

Some days just feel so much heavier than others. There are certain things in my life that just cause me to be a mess. Am I setting my kids up for some serious therapy in their future? Is it even possible to get the grocery bill down further? And most frequently: what in the world am I supposed to do with my life??? Some of you know the path I've been on is a lot different than I had figured.

It will have been a year this May since I graduated from UT as an RN. I've applied several places and have had doors close repeatedly. Eventually I came to the conclusion that God blessed me with a year to grieve my hubby's death (since it happened while I was in school) and to be a mom, which is a huge job. I've worked hard at my own personal growth and allowing God's healing. I've volunteered, gone on a mission trip, met countless new faces, and developed some strong relationships with great encouragers in my life.

It has been undoubtedly a year of favor from the Lord. I am beyond blessed. Yet from time to time I have moments when not having a "job" really wrecks me. I feel the panic rise because I've determined if I don't get a job right now then no one will ever hire me. Ever. I'm so afraid I'm going to screw up everything and then all will be lost. God's gonna send a helicopter and a boat and a plane and I'll miss it and stay on the house and drown in the flood. (Yes, this is a story I hear A LOT. Stop telling it to me y'all. Please.)

But really...how big do I think I am? If the entire course of my life is hinged upon me choosing a perfect path at every intersection there is no way I'd end up doing anything right! I experienced all my anxiety and fretting and then realized that not a darn thing had changed since last week. Or even two days ago. God is still on His throne. Earth is still turning. I still have food in my refrigerator. He's still in complete control, and certain of the plans He has for my life. His promises to guide my steps and counsel me still stand. Things may change for the worse, or for the better...but for now, in this moment the only change has been in me.

Matthew 14 tells us about a time when Jesus walked on the water. Peter sees Him, and wants to go try it too. So Jesus says "come" and Peter steps out. "But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink cried out "Lord, save me!"" Immediately Jesus reaches down, pulls him out and says, "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And the winds stop. Boom.

I feel Jesus's strength tug me up out of the fear threatening to overtake me and hear Him say exactly that: "why did you doubt?" I love that the bible gives us this example of what to do when we are afraid to walk in faith; and that Jesus' response is immediate. The storm just stops. He IS in charge. He IS in control. When I begin to sink, I call out to Him in my confusion, frustration, fear, or regrets. He quiets the storm inside with calmness.

No matter how I choose, He still is on His throne. And He is really, really good at what He does.