Intensity, plans, and waiting...

Intense- (adj.) acute, strong, or vehement, as sensations, feelings, or emotions. Synonyms- fervent, passionate.

I'm intense. About everything. Hot or cold, black or white; I love vivid colors, sounds, dreaming and imagining. I like music as loud as it can go, and to dance until I'm dizzy. I like to create. I want to fly. I've come to a place where I've recognized that's how I was created. I'm in a chapter in my life where I have the liberty to discover who I am and what I like. Like in "Runaway Bride", I'm learning how I like my eggs. (Scrambled, with veggies, cheese and salsa!) And I'm very thankful for this time.

But there are a lot of times I'm not so appreciative of the way God made me. I'm so intense that I have a constant struggle with patience. I make up my mind about something, and then I want instant gratification. Let's get the show on the road. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin, so frustrated with waiting. I suppose I'm in the process of learning to cling to His grace while I wait on His move.

God's timing is perfect. Magnificently so. And He is working everything out for my best. So why in the world would I rush Him?? Rest, relax, take a deep breath and just enjoy the ride. I have to remember Who is in control. Especially when I get wrapped up in my world, using that wonderful imagination of mine to create my future.

"As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (the message)

Dang, just reading that gives me peace. Psalm 37:7 says to "wait patiently on Him." Whenever I feel like I've got a great plan or idea for my future, I need to remember something important. The One who filled me with intensity, creativity, and life gave me just a tiny fraction of who HE is. So how much more fantastic are His plans than mine?

And with that thought, Oh Lord, give me grace and courage to wait on You alone.

The judging business...

"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:1-2) So what does Jesus say about judging? Don't do it. Ok, sure. I won't. We're told to love God, to love our neighbors, and not judge them. Sounds simple enough.

Except that recently, God has been revealing to me ways I've judged others without even recognizing it. Yikes. 

I think of my faith at age 15, that held everyone to Biblical laws in a very black and white fashion. I felt loving, but was really a little self-righteous and a lot pretentious. I remember looking at people in the spotlight, like Amy Grant, and being disappointed in her for leaving her husband and marrying Vince Gill. Or feeling betrayed and critical when Katy Hudson left behind the Christian music scene to become Katy Perry. How many times I've looked with contempt upon the "other woman" or "other man."  I wouldn't have defined it then as "judging"...but on the contrary, that's exactly what I was doing.

I have no idea what it's like to be in their shoes. I don't know anything about them, or the situations that prompted their "sin". Their actions are between them and God. And I can still show them love despite their choices....because that's what God says I'm supposed to do. We're all human people who make human mistakes, some just are more public than others.

I had this epiphany driving to NC the other day: maybe I've built my faith upon a foundation of God's rules, not necessarily Jesus. For instance, divorce is wrong. Black and white. That made sense before. But now that I have had friends experience it, and come out better on the other side, it feels like the foundation has crumbled underneath me. When in reality, if my foundation was Christ alone, I wouldn't feel as shaken and confused, because HE NEVER CHANGES. His LOVE NEVER CHANGES. 

If I choose stupidly...if I fall away but then come back to Jesus...He doesn't change, and He doesn't see me any differently either. He doesn't love me more on my "good" or "holy" days, when I'm on my best behavior, or when I'm making good choices. Honestly it's way more than I can begin to grasp. But I'm trying. 

It takes every bit of HIS power to defeat sin in our life. But He is still the firm foundation EVEN if (when) we fall. 

And seriously, y'all...let's stop this judging business. I'd like to retire from it permanently. Sin causes grief and sorrow (Isaiah 53:3). Do we really want to make someone's burden heavier by throwing judgement at them? Or will we tenderly and deliberately show them love? Which one do you think will lead them closer to Jesus? 

Common stuff with a touch of grace...

This morning dear Mr. Oswald brought something to my attention: no man is born with character, he has to make his character. And this occurs over the course of his whole life, creating habits through daily circumstances and behaviors. In other words, it's the little things I do each day that create the habits which form and define who I am.

We keep looking for big things to "do for Jesus", cling to our mountaintop experiences, focus on all of the thrilling moments, while that which shapes us the most is the boring. The drudgery. The loneliness. The obedience in the least exciting circumstances. When our kids (or spouse!) leave the lights on all over the house again, when the dog chews our shoes, when it's time to pay the bills, feed the cat, gas up the car. These are the moments that form us. We have to learn to live in the midst of the "blah" by the power of God. We can learn to be diligent in these things not just because they are our "duties" but because we believe God is in control and able to use all the circumstances in our lives.

I LOVE this: "we are not meant to be illuminated versions, but the common stuff of ordinary life exhibiting the marvel of the grace of God."(O. Chambers)

Each moment of obedience in the most minute, common situations depends on the grace of God. We need Him and His power within us to build habits and character like Jesus.

Think about this: "the tiniest detail in which I obey has all the omnipotent power of the grace of God behind it."(O. Chambers) When I say a feeble "no" to something that is not best for me, in obedience to my Jesus, although it feels feeble, it is full of the power of God's grace! If I say "yes, Lord" and follow Him through something difficult, even though it would not be a struggle for someone else, it is by HIS power I do so.

And as I choose obedience time and time again, it becomes a habit. Then part of my character. And I would love nothing more than to be defined by my obedience to Christ.

life in dead places...

Lately I've discovered a hopeless feeling in my heart. While I know that Jesus is still in control and has a plan, I lose focus of that. I let the fact that I can't see any possible outcome blur my vision. My human imagination with it's limitations gets in the way of my faith.

There's an area in my life that I just can't possibly imagine ever changing. I can't even decide if I would want it to change! I can't imagine healing and healthiness in my heart in that place. I put up walls and guard myself because of fear and lack of trust in myself. God pointed out that it's not just myself I am not trusting, but HIM.

There's nothing I can do on my own, really. He even works within us to change: "it is God who works within you to will and to act according to His good purpose" (Phil. 2:13). I forget how BIG He is, and how everything I see is just a breath, a moment. Although I can't see a solution, I have faith in the One who already has been to the end and knows every detail of my story.

This morning He led me to a beautiful scripture that reminded me of something very important: He can restore dead things to life.

"The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." (Isaiah 58:11, nasb)

I'm definitely feeling like I'm in a scorched, dead place. A place where there's not even a tiny shoot of hope clawing it's way up out of a crack in the ground. My bones? Yeah, they're pretty weak and weary. Yet somehow, beautiful, vibrant life is going to come out of this place of deadness. Like a watered garden...and like a spring whose waters don't fail, but just continue to flow, and flow.

Really? I mean, I am reading it, but it sounds too good to be true. However, I know one thing for sure- God can do what He says He can do. He keeps promise after promise, and HIS love never fails. I can't even trust myself but I can always trust Him. So when my eyes can't see anything good ahead, I just have to walk forward in faith and know He always keeps His promises.

the seduction of independence...

I draw inspiration from a variety of sources. An awesome thing about God is He is more than capable of using any means necessary to get our attention. Tonight I was inspired by a good friend's twitter feed. I'm not sure of the context they were using, but God spoke to my heart all the same.

"the seduction of independence.."

I began to think of how I pull away from my Father to fight things on my own. How the majority of the time I carry on with my daily activities without submitting to Him. And how ridiculous that is, when I am completely and utterly dependent on Him...for everything.

"I am the vine and you are the branches.When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing." John 15:5, Msg.

Our posture before God is to be child-like, waiting, trusting, and in full expectation of His provision. We ask for our "daily bread" or that which we need to sustain us each day. We are to be completely dependent upon Him. That is what the relationship should look like.

Seeking independence from Him, even if we do it subconsciously, is not how we were created to live. We will fail, and fail, and fail again, and He will allow it, because He loves us enough to let us realize our need.

This world teaches us that independence is valuable, desired, and worth the pursuit. And independence can be a very healthy thing. I've actually spent some time in recovery for co-dependence. (We can get into that later!) But here's something about satan...he takes something that could be good, that looks good, that perhaps isn't altogether bad...and then lures us in with half-truths and half-promises. And a half-truth is no truth at all.

Big picture: we are not to be dependent or co-dependent upon any human, or any thing, substance, etc. We are to be independent individuals who answer to God with a complete and total dependence on Him. We love others. We embrace community. But we are abide in Christ alone. That will bring abundance of HIM in our lives, and drown out the whisper of want.