Tonight, as I was making my son's bed and struggling against things weighing on my mind...I had a brilliant thought!
"...you do not have because you do not ask God." (James 4:2)
Have I actually spent time on the floor beseeching God? Listening to Him? Pouring out my heart? Um..no. I pray throughout the day. I enjoy moments with Him throughout the day. But I'm honestly not too sure that I've actually ASKED Him for some of the things that have been on my mind. What a goofball! You would think that would be the first thing I would do!! I get so amused when Ewan is about to fall asleep and mutters something like "ya didn't even give me a snack" or "you didn't play video games with me today"...and I think- you didn't ask me!!
Then I felt like a kid at Christmastime, and I couldn't wait for the kids to go to bed so I could spend some time with my Jesus! Not like He is Santa and is going to give me everything I ask...but just to be in His presence! What a precious privilege we have to "cast all our cares upon Him" (1 Peter 5:7), and He knows exactly what we need before we even ask Him! (Matthew 6:8) (Yes, lots of exclamation points...picture me jumping up and down and yelling these words out!)
Spending time with Him satisfies me in a way nothing else does. It makes me understand that He is the living water that quenches our thirst. He reminded me that He placed a desire in my heart for Him, and that nothing in this world will fill that place. It's made for Him!
And now I can rest easier if my mind starts to get cluttered again with whatnots. I can remember that I've taken those concerns to Jesus and bared my heart to Him. He knows what I need and want, and He knows how to use me to best bring Him glory. That's all I could ever want.
Sigh. Isn't He dreamy??? lol :)
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
In Repair- part 2
"Wait for the wind to blow down on me, hoping it takes with it my old ways...."
Recently, I had a little meltdown.
Ok..not so little. There was some snot, and tears. And some sweat, cause it was about 90 something degrees in the building!
But I'm starting at the end of the story.
I recently started trying to find a place to serve in the church. I have a passion for music, and a ton of ideas for skits/dramas. I feel like there is so much in me and no outlet for it! I felt the Lord possibly directing me to apply this some way to the youth group. So I've visited about 3 times.
I have enjoyed the time I've spent with the youth on Wednesday nights. They really are a great group! But I'm still not quite sure how to put all these puzzle pieces in my head together with what is actually already happening.
I decided to attend the parent info night, "Collide", in order to really know what the youth group was all about, and what the parents thought, or were curious about.
For whatever reason I felt insecure the moment that evening began. I have a loooooong history of seeing myself as inferior. I felt that I had conquered and passed over those issues. Obviously not.
I sat there, sweating (it was SO hot), battling the voice. You know, the one that knows where your tender sore spots are and POKES you in them. I know Jesus enough to know when He is speaking, and what HE thinks of me, and to know when the liar is speaking. This was definitely the liar. I was whipping out scripture in my head, fighting him off, thinking all the while- "I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS!!"
Where in the world had this old pattern of inaccurate thoughts come from? "You don't belong here." "What are you trying to prove?" "No one needs you here." "You should just stay home with your Bible. Then you'd be safe."
It truly felt like I was holding the walls up around me, and losing the fight. They were collapsing in on me.
"HEY! You are MORE than a conqueror in Christ!"(Romans 8:37)
I said to Jesus- I'm gonna need to have you "with skin on" right now... I need a hug. I was blessed by a wonderful mentor/friend at that moment. I was able to shake it off and move past.
But how frustrating!! I know the Word. I know what's true. Those old patterns aren't mine anymore.
Later I thought four things. 1- Either God is about to do something big in me and Satan was trying to put a stop to it. 2- I had asked God to extinguish my pride earlier, perhaps this was a way to achieve that. 3- There may be perhaps a spirit of inferiority/insecurity that hovers over youth groups. I mean, how many youth are secure in who they are, really? 4- Maybe I still have issues. (haha)
It was just so odd to me the strength of that experience, the power of the emotions...the complete helplessness I felt despite trying to do everything I knew how to do.
Perhaps I'm still waiting on the corner for the wind of God to sweep those old ways away. Again. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning. He uses all things to make us into what He has created us to be. Sometimes, it just shakes you up. And that's probably a good thing.
Recently, I had a little meltdown.
Ok..not so little. There was some snot, and tears. And some sweat, cause it was about 90 something degrees in the building!
But I'm starting at the end of the story.
I recently started trying to find a place to serve in the church. I have a passion for music, and a ton of ideas for skits/dramas. I feel like there is so much in me and no outlet for it! I felt the Lord possibly directing me to apply this some way to the youth group. So I've visited about 3 times.
I have enjoyed the time I've spent with the youth on Wednesday nights. They really are a great group! But I'm still not quite sure how to put all these puzzle pieces in my head together with what is actually already happening.
I decided to attend the parent info night, "Collide", in order to really know what the youth group was all about, and what the parents thought, or were curious about.
For whatever reason I felt insecure the moment that evening began. I have a loooooong history of seeing myself as inferior. I felt that I had conquered and passed over those issues. Obviously not.
I sat there, sweating (it was SO hot), battling the voice. You know, the one that knows where your tender sore spots are and POKES you in them. I know Jesus enough to know when He is speaking, and what HE thinks of me, and to know when the liar is speaking. This was definitely the liar. I was whipping out scripture in my head, fighting him off, thinking all the while- "I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS!!"
Where in the world had this old pattern of inaccurate thoughts come from? "You don't belong here." "What are you trying to prove?" "No one needs you here." "You should just stay home with your Bible. Then you'd be safe."
It truly felt like I was holding the walls up around me, and losing the fight. They were collapsing in on me.
"HEY! You are MORE than a conqueror in Christ!"(Romans 8:37)
I said to Jesus- I'm gonna need to have you "with skin on" right now... I need a hug. I was blessed by a wonderful mentor/friend at that moment. I was able to shake it off and move past.
But how frustrating!! I know the Word. I know what's true. Those old patterns aren't mine anymore.
Later I thought four things. 1- Either God is about to do something big in me and Satan was trying to put a stop to it. 2- I had asked God to extinguish my pride earlier, perhaps this was a way to achieve that. 3- There may be perhaps a spirit of inferiority/insecurity that hovers over youth groups. I mean, how many youth are secure in who they are, really? 4- Maybe I still have issues. (haha)
It was just so odd to me the strength of that experience, the power of the emotions...the complete helplessness I felt despite trying to do everything I knew how to do.
Perhaps I'm still waiting on the corner for the wind of God to sweep those old ways away. Again. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning. He uses all things to make us into what He has created us to be. Sometimes, it just shakes you up. And that's probably a good thing.
In Repair- part 1
Tonight, I'm trying to crank out blogs. :) I have so much in my head/heart that I need to spill. Happy reading!!
I was blessed to be able to catch some great tunes at Worship in the City this past Friday morning with my little girl. It was hot, but the Holy Spirit didn't mind.
One of the songs performed was "In Repair" by John Mayer (no, John Mayer wasn't there, ladies!). I hadn't heard that song before. But the lyrics and the testimony stuck with me.
"..wait for the wind to blow down on me, hoping it takes with it my old ways"...
"..I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there.."
Lately, I've been spending time with new friends in the church who have shared their burdens with me. It always amazes me that on Sunday morning, we really have no idea what is going on in each other's lives. I am glad to come alongside these women and pray for them, as they pray for me, that God will move and heal and restore.
All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience (1 Cor. 10:13). So God has so composed the body [of Christ], giving more abundant honor to the member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, ALL the members suffer with it (1 Cor. 12:24-26).
We all are hurting, or will experience hurt. We all need repair. I am "in the shop", allowing God to remove that which needs to be thrown out and fix up what can stay. And I am so thankful that our God had the kindness to construct the church in a way that we can all support each other. I am blessed by my church family and my friends. I am not together. Those of you who really know me, know that! But with the grace of God, and the support of those I love, I am getting there.
And thank you, John Mayer, for giving words and a melody to the thoughts of my heart.
I was blessed to be able to catch some great tunes at Worship in the City this past Friday morning with my little girl. It was hot, but the Holy Spirit didn't mind.
One of the songs performed was "In Repair" by John Mayer (no, John Mayer wasn't there, ladies!). I hadn't heard that song before. But the lyrics and the testimony stuck with me.
"..wait for the wind to blow down on me, hoping it takes with it my old ways"...
"..I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there.."
Lately, I've been spending time with new friends in the church who have shared their burdens with me. It always amazes me that on Sunday morning, we really have no idea what is going on in each other's lives. I am glad to come alongside these women and pray for them, as they pray for me, that God will move and heal and restore.
All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience (1 Cor. 10:13). So God has so composed the body [of Christ], giving more abundant honor to the member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, ALL the members suffer with it (1 Cor. 12:24-26).
We all are hurting, or will experience hurt. We all need repair. I am "in the shop", allowing God to remove that which needs to be thrown out and fix up what can stay. And I am so thankful that our God had the kindness to construct the church in a way that we can all support each other. I am blessed by my church family and my friends. I am not together. Those of you who really know me, know that! But with the grace of God, and the support of those I love, I am getting there.
And thank you, John Mayer, for giving words and a melody to the thoughts of my heart.
The Living Word
Ok...so I have had a large amount of short ideas to blog about. Unfortunately, due to my premature senility caused by early mornings and children, I've forgotten most of them. (Good reason to journal!)
Lately, God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit have become real to me in a way I'm sad to admit they haven't before. I have found this week that the Lord gives me certain thoughts/scriptures in the mornings that I can call upon later as the situations warrant. For instance, I have a list of scriptures I copied down regarding waiting for the Lord to give direction. One day, I looked up a verse in Psalm 37. I ended up reading all of the Psalm 37. Verses 1-7 seemed absolutely perfect. I wrote them down to be able to look at them throughout the day. One part says to simply dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. I feel that is what my life is about right now, for the most part. Another verse says to not fret when others prosper. When I see all my friends getting jobs they love, it leads me to feel lousy. So that verse really applied to me. It helped soothe me when friends asked why I hadn't yet found a job.
The really cool/fun part occurs later that day. I was reading a book on parenting "angry" children using the scripture (The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo ). REALLY tough book. Essentially, you have to "remove the plank out of your own eye" before getting the splinter out of your child's (Luke 6:42). I have struggled with losing my temper and overwhelming anger. I have good days and bad days. But I felt very convicted after reading the beginning of that book. I was wasting time before bed, looking through the nightstand drawer, and pulled out one of Mike's smaller bibles, not frequently used. I flipped through it to look for any notes that may have remained. I started reading a particular section and as I'm reading I realize- "hey, this is Psalm 37!" It was a different version (the living version). I chuckled and thought, "Lord, you must really want me to get this!" I kept reading, past where I had read before, which was only to verse 7. The VERY NEXT VERSE, Verse 8 said- "Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper- it only leads to harm."
Now, if I had read that in the morning, and I may have, I totally didn't get it. It didn't get into my brain at all. Because it wasn't what God had for me at that time. Later on, when I needed to hear it, He took that SAME Psalm, and made it come alive by speaking to the concerns of my heart.
Is this not proof that His Word is living? Hebrews 4:12 says: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
I have been reading the Bible off and on for several years. Only recently have I prayed for and received a desire to want more from my relationship with Christ, and from His word. One of the blessings of being single is the ability to fall completely in love with Christ.
More and more He has opened my eyes to the subtle and not-so-subtle things He is trying to teach me. Somedays I notice how everything is connecting- the devotions I read in the morning, the ways I am able to encourage my friends, the bible studies I do with my church ladies...He is speaking to me!!!! I love it! I am so excited and passionate about Him.
So to those of you who are at your in-between-times, your stranded-in-the-desert-times, your day-between-the crucifixion-and-resurrection times--I'm right there with you. I have no idea what God is doing. I don't know why it feels like He is tarrying. But while I'm waiting, I'm remembering that He is always on time. I'm trying to rest and trust in Him. And He is rewarding me with greater intimacy with Him then I have ever known. For that, I am thankful.
To those who wonder why I do not yet have a job...I say this:
"was it not clear to you that my right place was in my Father's house?"
Lately, God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit have become real to me in a way I'm sad to admit they haven't before. I have found this week that the Lord gives me certain thoughts/scriptures in the mornings that I can call upon later as the situations warrant. For instance, I have a list of scriptures I copied down regarding waiting for the Lord to give direction. One day, I looked up a verse in Psalm 37. I ended up reading all of the Psalm 37. Verses 1-7 seemed absolutely perfect. I wrote them down to be able to look at them throughout the day. One part says to simply dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. I feel that is what my life is about right now, for the most part. Another verse says to not fret when others prosper. When I see all my friends getting jobs they love, it leads me to feel lousy. So that verse really applied to me. It helped soothe me when friends asked why I hadn't yet found a job.
The really cool/fun part occurs later that day. I was reading a book on parenting "angry" children using the scripture (The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo ). REALLY tough book. Essentially, you have to "remove the plank out of your own eye" before getting the splinter out of your child's (Luke 6:42). I have struggled with losing my temper and overwhelming anger. I have good days and bad days. But I felt very convicted after reading the beginning of that book. I was wasting time before bed, looking through the nightstand drawer, and pulled out one of Mike's smaller bibles, not frequently used. I flipped through it to look for any notes that may have remained. I started reading a particular section and as I'm reading I realize- "hey, this is Psalm 37!" It was a different version (the living version). I chuckled and thought, "Lord, you must really want me to get this!" I kept reading, past where I had read before, which was only to verse 7. The VERY NEXT VERSE, Verse 8 said- "Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper- it only leads to harm."
Now, if I had read that in the morning, and I may have, I totally didn't get it. It didn't get into my brain at all. Because it wasn't what God had for me at that time. Later on, when I needed to hear it, He took that SAME Psalm, and made it come alive by speaking to the concerns of my heart.
Is this not proof that His Word is living? Hebrews 4:12 says: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
I have been reading the Bible off and on for several years. Only recently have I prayed for and received a desire to want more from my relationship with Christ, and from His word. One of the blessings of being single is the ability to fall completely in love with Christ.
More and more He has opened my eyes to the subtle and not-so-subtle things He is trying to teach me. Somedays I notice how everything is connecting- the devotions I read in the morning, the ways I am able to encourage my friends, the bible studies I do with my church ladies...He is speaking to me!!!! I love it! I am so excited and passionate about Him.
So to those of you who are at your in-between-times, your stranded-in-the-desert-times, your day-between-the crucifixion-and-resurrection times--I'm right there with you. I have no idea what God is doing. I don't know why it feels like He is tarrying. But while I'm waiting, I'm remembering that He is always on time. I'm trying to rest and trust in Him. And He is rewarding me with greater intimacy with Him then I have ever known. For that, I am thankful.
To those who wonder why I do not yet have a job...I say this:
"was it not clear to you that my right place was in my Father's house?"
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Repentance= a hopeful heart
Ok, so I am amazingly exhausted and should be going to bed. But I really felt that I needed to quickly blog about what I'm dealing with at the moment. It's a bit heavy.
I struggle with obsessiveness/addiction. When I read Twilight, it was ALL I could think about for nearly 2 months. I knew it was pretty silly. But I felt helpless against the pull of obsession. There has been many other addiction issues throughout my life- never drugs or anything like that. None was harmful in and of itself ("all things are permissible but not all things are beneficial" 1 Cor. 6:12) but when you become absorbed with something other than God, it's a sin. That becomes your "idol". And having an idol other than God is definitely frowned upon- it's one of the 12 commandments, so you know it's serious.
Right now the issue I'm struggling with is couponing. Well, not necessarily just couponing...I haven't bought 20 mustards or anything like you see on TV. But bargain shopping in general. I have come to enjoy and appreciate the bargain shopper's high more than I should. I KNOW better. I know I'm spending money that I shouldn't. But I just...can't...quit.
Today, for instance. I TOLD myself I would not go into Borders. But I was just so curious if they had made even increased discounts since they are closer to closing. So I went in. Now let me promise you, there really is nothing I need. SO my justification (funny how the brain so quickly assists us in finding a reason to do what we want to do anyways) is that I can stock up on Christmas/birthday presents. I mean, I will have to get those things eventually, and on sale? Even better!!!
But it's wrong. I'm certain of it. So why did I still buy something?! I did put a few things back, but still. What my mom pointed out, is that if the problem is an addiction, not just "planning ahead", eventually I'll be done with Christmas 2011, start on Easter, then next year's Christmas..etc. There is no end in sight because I will never be satisfied.
The scripture that comes to mind is "I want to do what is right, but I do not do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate..." Romans 7:15. I even thought to myself, I am a slave to this sin...but thank goodness the Holy Spirit reminded me that I have been bought at a price and am free, my flesh has been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. I am MORE than a conqueror through Christ. (!!!)
Tonight, dwelling more on the issue, the word that came to mind was REPENT. Stop, turn, go on your way. When the Lord met people who were in sin, he never whispered mean things at them, or spoke condemnation at them. He simply said, "go and sin no more" (John 8:11).
That's it. Just confess what you've done (which I've been doing all day!), seek His forgiveness, guidance and help, and turn around. Go the other way. I know that my God, who raised his Son from the dead, is more than capable to work through me to defeat this. And in every situation and temptation to come, that truth remains.
Our God is able. Who else is as merciful as He?
Let's be HONEST with ourselves- what are we putting before Him? What is on our minds and hearts continually? Repent.
P.S. If you see me shopping, please take my purse and run. Thank you. :) In all seriousness, I need some accountability, so feel free!
I struggle with obsessiveness/addiction. When I read Twilight, it was ALL I could think about for nearly 2 months. I knew it was pretty silly. But I felt helpless against the pull of obsession. There has been many other addiction issues throughout my life- never drugs or anything like that. None was harmful in and of itself ("all things are permissible but not all things are beneficial" 1 Cor. 6:12) but when you become absorbed with something other than God, it's a sin. That becomes your "idol". And having an idol other than God is definitely frowned upon- it's one of the 12 commandments, so you know it's serious.
Right now the issue I'm struggling with is couponing. Well, not necessarily just couponing...I haven't bought 20 mustards or anything like you see on TV. But bargain shopping in general. I have come to enjoy and appreciate the bargain shopper's high more than I should. I KNOW better. I know I'm spending money that I shouldn't. But I just...can't...quit.
Today, for instance. I TOLD myself I would not go into Borders. But I was just so curious if they had made even increased discounts since they are closer to closing. So I went in. Now let me promise you, there really is nothing I need. SO my justification (funny how the brain so quickly assists us in finding a reason to do what we want to do anyways) is that I can stock up on Christmas/birthday presents. I mean, I will have to get those things eventually, and on sale? Even better!!!
But it's wrong. I'm certain of it. So why did I still buy something?! I did put a few things back, but still. What my mom pointed out, is that if the problem is an addiction, not just "planning ahead", eventually I'll be done with Christmas 2011, start on Easter, then next year's Christmas..etc. There is no end in sight because I will never be satisfied.
The scripture that comes to mind is "I want to do what is right, but I do not do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate..." Romans 7:15. I even thought to myself, I am a slave to this sin...but thank goodness the Holy Spirit reminded me that I have been bought at a price and am free, my flesh has been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. I am MORE than a conqueror through Christ. (!!!)
Tonight, dwelling more on the issue, the word that came to mind was REPENT. Stop, turn, go on your way. When the Lord met people who were in sin, he never whispered mean things at them, or spoke condemnation at them. He simply said, "go and sin no more" (John 8:11).
That's it. Just confess what you've done (which I've been doing all day!), seek His forgiveness, guidance and help, and turn around. Go the other way. I know that my God, who raised his Son from the dead, is more than capable to work through me to defeat this. And in every situation and temptation to come, that truth remains.
Our God is able. Who else is as merciful as He?
Let's be HONEST with ourselves- what are we putting before Him? What is on our minds and hearts continually? Repent.
P.S. If you see me shopping, please take my purse and run. Thank you. :) In all seriousness, I need some accountability, so feel free!
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