True peace

I hate the times I experience something cool with Jesus but don't know how to write it. So I'm gonna do my best, bear with me. :)

I've been on a learning curve trying to understand my relationship with Christ as it truly is. No more balancing sins with good works, earning my way into His favor. "Well, I did give that guy a dollar, so I'm a pretty good person." It's easy to get caught up in believing that if we are DOING good, we are good. And while good works are part of the fruit we bear as followers of Jesus, they aren't what justifies us as "clean."

I am clean because of the blood of Jesus. It's been done. I accept it. He adores me. I don't deserve it. Still, it is so. Yet I have a history of perfectionism and striving for approval that weighs upon me. Simply accepting His never-ending love for me is difficult. So when I stumble, I hate myself for it. I want to be just like Jesus. I want to never sin. I am upset by my human tendencies. What a mess!

What I have learned through my struggles is that I cling much tighter to His side when I know I'm slipping. I know that He is holding my hand (he says so in Psalms) and so I can continue to hold on to Him each step of the way. And if struggles, as painful as they may be, bring me closer to Christ, then I will be thankful for them.

Recently I prayed for His protection, because I want to please Him. I want to walk in such a way that I can live a life on Earth that is blessed. I don't want to reap the consequences of poor choices, but rather to be able to grab onto the gifts He gives. I know I may have to wait a long time to see some of those gifts, but love is first and foremost patient. There is nothing loving about rushing God to give us what we want.

After that prayer, I felt such a feeling of being covered by Him. If something is giving you anxiety, cry out to Him, He does hear you! I know I don't deserve His love or protection, but I am speechless with gratitude that He would carry me through the fire into a place of peace.

Peace. Isn't that what we all want, really? Jesus, thank you for giving true peace that runs deep.