Imperfection

Today was rough. I haven't gotten enough sleep this week, and that always sets back my coping skills. But for some reason, since Thursday I have been extra irritable. Today was the peak of the "crazy mena cussing Mommy" behavior. And there really isn't a legitimate cause, no PMS or anything to blame. I have been very unhappy with myself because of my short temper.

I pray. I listen to Christian music. Trying anything to get out of the funk. When you are a teenager with mood swings, you can go listen to Fiona Apple and take a bubble bath. But when you are a mom...it's not so easily cured. There are little people around you, constantly talking to you, touching you, and demanding your attention. I think it unsettles my kids when I'm in a bad mood, it kind of spreads onto them. They get anxious because they don't know what's going on and start getting more hyper and seeking negative attention. And I get more and more frustrated.

I hate this.

I don't want to be this way.

Lord, help me. Do you hear me? You say we can do all things with Your help...but I'm not doing well at this parenting thing at ALL right now!! There's nowhere to run. There's nowhere to hide. There's no one to call on but You. Help!

This is pretty much been my train of thought through the last few days.

Luckily, I'm not alone! Paul says in Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate I do."

It does bring some comfort that super-spiritual Paul was in the same boat. I was reminded that I am not expected to be perfect. I am rather young in this walk with Christ- why in the world would I think that I have "arrived"?? He still has tons to do to make me more like Him. Just because I'm closer now than I was five years ago doesn't mean it's smooth sailing from now on.

If my life was smooth and easy, I would be self-sufficient. I wouldn't need Him. I wouldn't need to call on His name for help a bazillion times like I did these last few days.

I wish people would stop saying "God will never give you more than you can handle/bear." This is found in Hallucinations 4:22. Seriously, it's NOT biblical. Not in His word, any where. Every example of individuals in His Word were given more than they in their lowly human state could handle, so that they would become fully dependent on Christ. Every person at one point or another will encounter that God frequently gives us more than we can bear. As a mom, most DAYS are more than I can bear. My life is really, really hard. And yet, it is nothing compared to many others. There are folks I know who are walking their preschoolers through cancer, or through rehabilitating from a spinal cord injury. People who have lost their job again after finally finding a new job. Millions are homeless from the tornadoes, unemployment, etc.

This world demands our dependence on Christ. And this brings Him glory.

Instead of pulling up my bootstraps and being tough, I bring Him glory by admitting just how much I need Him. I am helpless. I do not have any idea how to deal with my kids sometimes. None. I just want to cry. Yet somehow, He helps me through. And at the end of each day when they are sleeping in their beds, I remember just how much I love them, and just how sad I'm gonna be when they are grown.

I have to remember too; why would I beat myself up when Jesus, the only one fit to place judgement on me, has forgiven me so throughly? "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us. " (Ephesians 1:7-8)

At the end of the day, there is Jesus, there is me, He loves me, and has a plan for me. That's what I cling on to. Does anything else really matter?