Do I matter?

I am about to share with you a very brief glimpse into the depths of my heart. This is a very honest picture of my mindset today, and I hope you will stick with me. It's important to me to be real, to not pretend I have it all together, in hopes that you will be willing to be real and honest with your friends, too.

Today I had a beautiful opportunity to go to a Christmas outreach with the youth group. We have been working quite awhile on songs to sing, writing cards, and brainstorming on how we can share the gospel with this amazing shelter in Knoxville called KARM (Knox Area Rescue Ministries). We've worked hard, and I have enjoyed every second.

I was in Charlotte for the weekend, and realized a little too late that I had to leave to make it on time. I broke the speed limit in many a county to make the 4.5 hr drive into 4 hrs. I did not eat well today and overdid it with the coffee, so with all that I was a bit stressed. (Excuses? Probably...)

We finally make it on time and dash in! And then...the fun begins. In my mind. Satan's totally got my number on exactly how to make me insecure. I hate how easy it must be for him sometimes. I felt like it didn't matter at all that I was there. I was not necessary. I could have not gone at all and not one soul would have noticed. I reminded myself repeatedly..."it's not about me, Lord. It's about YOU." And I honestly enjoyed being there. But I felt so...useless. Hopeless.

Got home, tried to call a few folks to pray for me, encourage me. No one home. Made dinner, felt like crying. Then I realized I just needed some time alone and took a bath.

And God met me there. That's the coolest thing about Jesus, he speaks to our hearts whenever, wherever.

What He said surprised me. "It IS about you. It's about your growth, it's about just BEING there, it's about being available. You are my hands and feet."

He reminded me of the woman sitting behind me doing a crossword puzzle...we chatted for a bit. Of the woman on my left who had a beautiful smile (and heart) and I told her so. Of the staff at the desk who we took cookies to. And of the fact that just bringing my children there exposes them to a whole new perspective on life. It gives them a chance to learn how to serve others.

When I thought of all that, my whole view changed. I saw the bigger picture, and I saw myself the way HE sees me. As His servant, available and ready to do whatever He needs, and always loved. When I asked Him, "Lord, do I even matter? At all?"....what was whispered in my heart I will treasure forever:

"Would I have shed one drop of blood for someone who didn't matter? Would I tirelessly shape you into what I want you to be?"

He's still workin' on me. And what a patient God He must be.