In Repair- part 2

"Wait for the wind to blow down on me, hoping it takes with it my old ways...."

Recently, I had a little meltdown.

Ok..not so little. There was some snot, and tears. And some sweat, cause it was about 90 something degrees in the building!

But I'm starting at the end of the story.

I recently started trying to find a place to serve in the church. I have a passion for music, and a ton of ideas for skits/dramas. I feel like there is so much in me and no outlet for it!  I felt the Lord possibly directing me to apply this some way to the youth group. So I've visited about 3 times.

I have enjoyed the time I've spent with the youth on Wednesday nights. They really are a great group! But I'm still not quite sure how to put all these puzzle pieces in my head together with what is actually already happening.

I decided to attend the parent info night, "Collide", in order to really know what the youth group was all about, and what the parents thought, or were curious about.
For whatever reason I felt insecure the moment that evening began. I have a loooooong history of seeing myself as inferior. I felt that I had conquered and passed over those issues. Obviously not.

I sat there, sweating (it was SO hot), battling the voice. You know, the one that knows where your tender sore spots are and POKES you in them. I know Jesus enough to know when He is speaking, and what HE thinks of me, and to know when the liar is speaking. This was definitely the liar. I was whipping out scripture in my head, fighting him off, thinking all the while- "I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS!!"

Where in the world had this old pattern of inaccurate thoughts come from? "You don't belong here." "What are you trying to prove?" "No one needs you here." "You should just stay home with your Bible. Then you'd be safe."

It truly felt like I was holding the walls up around me, and losing the fight. They were collapsing in on me.
"HEY! You are MORE than a conqueror in Christ!"(Romans 8:37)

I said to Jesus- I'm gonna need to have you "with skin on" right now... I need a hug. I was blessed by a wonderful mentor/friend at that moment. I was able to shake it off and move past.

But how frustrating!! I know the Word. I know what's true. Those old patterns aren't mine anymore.

Later I thought four things. 1- Either God is about to do something big in me and Satan was trying to put a stop to it. 2- I had asked God to extinguish my pride earlier, perhaps this was a way to achieve that. 3- There may be perhaps a spirit of inferiority/insecurity that hovers over youth groups. I mean, how many youth are secure in who they are, really? 4- Maybe I still have issues. (haha)

It was just so odd to me the strength of that experience, the power of the emotions...the complete helplessness I felt despite trying to do everything I knew how to do.

Perhaps I'm still waiting on the corner for the wind of God to sweep those old ways away. Again. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning.  He uses all things to make us into what He has created us to be. Sometimes, it just shakes you up. And that's probably a good thing.