I'm thankful for a possibility of a possibility...

Today we sit back and reflect on what it means to be thankful, and what we are thankful for. Some years it's harder than others to find that "silver lining." We all go through tough times. But I'm feeling richly blessed right now.

This year I have quite a bit to be thankful for. 
*I have the love, forgiveness, and patience of an amazing God who never quits on me and is always working out good things for me.
*I have a family that loves each other, with enough dysfunction to keep it interesting.
*I have two amazing kiddos that remind me each day of how awesome and creative God is!
*I have plenty of food and water, and the knowledge to cook/bake to make said food yummy.
*I have a community of friends that walk alongside me, encourage me, and make me laugh. Their support is priceless.
*I have a home, with water, electricity, and plumbing. It's cozy and warm and it's affordable.
*I (almost) have a job that will challenge me to grow and allow me to care for people.
*I can read, sing, and dance. And I can laugh at myself when I dance.
*I have a closet full of clothes and shoes.

I need nothing, He has supplied all my needs. It's true!

And there just happens to be something else that is causing me to give thanks to the Lord. Something that wasn't anticipated. Have you ever been so surprised by something unplanned that it takes you a bit to figure out exactly what's happening? Maybe that's just me...but I digress.

Nearly three years ago, I lost a husband. I was pretty insistent that I would never date/marry again. There was talks of becoming a nun. The pain was absolutely and completely horrible; why on Earth would I ever place myself in a position to go through that again?!?!

Then over the course of this past year, God began to thaw out my heart. It was a slow process, sometimes painful, but He began to put little suggestions in my heart, creating a place for a possibility to grow again. He asked for my trust, not in another man, but in what comes from His hand, and I gave it. (Not without digging my heels in a little bit.)

God slowly turned a friendship into something more, only somewhat surprising me :) and definitely surprising the beaux. This morning during my quiet time, I recognized that I still had some lingering fears.

And He asked me again to simply trust Him. To accept the blessing. (Knoxlifers- receive the biscuits!!) When God gives us a gift, why does it seem so hard to accept it? We're so afraid, so tentative, wanting to avoid anything that could cause pain. Yes, being vulnerable to Him, to love, can mean that we may be hurt someday. Regardless, protecting myself from any possible pain denies Him the one thing He requests: my heart. He wants my trust. To believe that He will give me what I need, and what is best for me, and that I can let go of my fears and fall into His arms of love.

I can trust Him. He is God, my Abba, and He adores me. He gives me good things. Regardless of the outcome, for now He is growing me through this new development with my handsome friend (Who also happens to be a great kisser. Just saying. )

Fall into HIM today. His love is strong. He deserves our whole hearts, and our trust.

Receiving gracefully

My intent in writing this blog has always been to share my journey and love for God with readers. I use the word journey specifically because I am learning (slowly) to embrace the process of growth...and not just long for the end point when I'm "complete." I hope it gives you a chuckle from time to time, and that maybe, just maybe, you can relate.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. I have to say, I've missed it. I've missed communicating the craziness that happens in my life, I've missed your responses, and I've missed the filling up and pouring out of Jesus through this blog.

What I've been taught over the last few days is the beauty of receiving. For some of us, receiving things, whether it be gifts, compliments, or help, comes very naturally. For some people it's quite a struggle. I fall in between those two extremes somewhere: until you get to the receiving of God's grace. That one I really fight sometimes.

WHY?

Why is it often so simple to accept a gift from a friend, or help with house repairs, and yet the most beautiful, free, un-earnable gift is so difficult to accept?

One of the things I love most about Jesus, and find most perplexing, is that nothing is ever forced. Every thing He ever does is offered. Placed before us. We are always given the choice. Even the rich young ruler in Matthew 19:16. He asked Jesus- "What am I still lacking?" and Jesus gave him the answer: "sell your possessions...and come, follow me." This part gets me, though- the man went away grieving, likely because he didn't feel he could do that, and JESUS LET HIM.

How many of us could do that? How many of us could offer a priceless gift that we knew would really help someone more than anything else, and let them refuse it and walk away? That is exactly what He does.

I have been RIDICULOUSLY stressed lately: feeling the burden of my daily chores, of life. Feeling like I'm climbing a muddy hill and I keep sliding backwards- all my efforts seem in vain. Burdened, exhausted, and getting nowhere.

I realized my heart attitude was rotten. When I spent time worshipping God, and letting Him fill my heart with joy and change the lens with which I saw my chores, I was able to literally feel the weight lift. I felt peace. I realized that I can choose to do all things unto the Lord (Colossians 3). OR I can choose to keep my negative, burdened, overwhelmed attitude. He offers peace. I can choose to receive it. YES PLEASE!! I receive the joy of being your child. I receive Your peace.

John 1:12 says to all who received Him....He gave the right to become children of God.

He'll never force His way. He's too much of a gentleman for that. Instead, Jesus will offer us Himself...and all the gifts that come from abiding with Him. The choice to receive is always up to us.

Lord, please help me to always gracefully receive all that comes from Your hand, because I know You offer Your very best to me in love.

Getting my priorities straight

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged! Yikes! Life has been pretty crazy, with a whole lot of upheaval and change over here. Quick update: I may finally be beginning a job as a nurse soon, one of my children started a new school, and I went on a mission trip to Jamaica (which was AWEsome!).

During all this chaos, I began to realize just how out of control my life has gotten. Yes, we're still eating regularly and paying the bills. But in general, there are a lot of aspects of my life that I've let go. So I'm slowly beginning to get things "together" again. Life as a single parent is tough. No doubt about it. I have to set some clear priorities. I have to say no to some things, like parties or extracurricular activities. I have to say yes to some things, like getting more sleep and being "all there" when I'm with my kids. I haven't mastered any of these, not nearly, but I'm on a journey to becoming the person I'd like to be.

The thing I realized which shapes these priorities the most is being fully aware of God's love and His supernatural ability to hold ME together.

I've finally gotten to a place where I feel completely adored by Jesus, and I'm pretty smitten with Him myself. When I let that love lead and guide me, I am able to be patient with myself and let Him help me get my priorities straight. Again, I'm never even close to perfect...but when I think about how much He loves me, I don't care! Each day is a new day to walk alongside Him, knowing that if I fall, He is holding on tight. He'll dust me off and we will continue on together. I'm embracing the journey. It's all the little things on the way to where we're going that make us who we are. Not the destination.

the Lord, myself, and hope

It's been a bit since I've posted anything, and I've got some ideas bouncing around in my head...but for now, I have scattered ponderings. Here ya go!

"And the strictness of the rejection that He demands of me allows for nothing to remain in my life but my Lord, myself, and a sense of desperate hope. He says that I must let everyone else come or go, and that I must be guided solely by my relationship to Him." (Oswald Chambers)

...my Lord, myself, and hope. Let everyone else come and/or go....

Recently I've been aware of how easily I become consumed by other people's difficulties. I attempt to help them by taking on their burden, which was never really meant to be mine. In the process, I become unable to manage my own life. By not being present and participating only minimally in my own life, I give up the ability to enjoy what is happening right now. While helping others can be a good thing, like anything else, in excess it is not what's best for us.

Without anyone or anything else, who am I? I am the Lord's.
What do I enjoy? What do I need to do for me? (This is my attempt at showing up for my life)  :)

I enjoy....reading lighthearted "chick lit" books, making music, funny movies, sitting/dreaming/napping in a hammock, dressing up to go out, fall weather, pumpkin patches, music/beer/movies in Market Square, playing board games that make me laugh, shaving my legs, painting/repurposing things around the house into new decorations, snuggling with my kiddos, campfires...

Things I need to do to keep my life in order....time with GOD!, pay bills on time/manage money well, keep laundry folded/put away, listen more than I speak, stay out of things that don't concern me, be trustworthy and have integrity, keep car clean and maintained, take care of house maintenance needs and ask for help when needed, REST in TRUSTING God's provision. Always! I belong to Him and am precious to Him, and He is faithful to care for my every need, usually without me even asking.

So these are my thoughts on how to work at becoming the me HE made...on being simply myself, with Him, and with a desperate sense of hope. What do you need to do to show up for your life? What do you need to do for you?

I trust YOU

Sometimes, we get caught up in emotions, and get forgetful. Have you ever been overtaken by fear? I've always been a fearful person, I'm just wired that way I guess. God has mightily defeated many of my fears, but every once in awhile something pops up, and reminds me that I'm depending on myself more than trusting in Him.

Nothing, nothing is more terrifying than the thought of (or actually) losing someone you love. I've experienced that a few times, especially when my husband died. Terror. Helplessness. The feeling completely incapacitates you. Your vision is clouded by fear. It's a scary place to be.

Tonight I was struggling with some fear...and I felt God speak to my heart with this: "are you going to carry on with this fear, or remember my track record?" So many, many times in the Bible, God does these crazy miracles to protect people from harm. Over and over He states that He is the protector, that we don't have to be afraid. He has faithfully protected me from so much, especially in the last few years. Why do I forget??

So am I gonna be afraid? Or lay my fear at His feet and trust Him? All I have to do is look at the ways He has proven His faithfulness to me and it's an easy choice. When I realize that I can't get through whatever it is on my own, that not only do I need Him, but I really NEED Him to carry me...that's when good things get started. Healing things.

I limit Him so easily. I forget that He is all powerful. Nothing, no one can ever get to me without His approval. And I am His beloved daughter. I'm special to Him. So every time that fear decides to rear it's ugly head up at me again, I'm going to throw my hands up and surrender. "I trust YOU."

Don't change settings! Fight the fear!

Every good story includes the following three parts: the setting, the crisis, and the resolution. No precarious situation continues on at a crisis level for long. There will be a peak of the craziness, and then it resolves. Until the next crisis, anyways. :)

Sometimes, though, when the crisis level hits, we often back down and change settings. We freak out. We get neurotic. We escape and avoid dealing with the conflict. I realized how refreshing the idea of changing settings is as I drove on a road trip yesterday. If life gets hard, I can just move wherever. I have no ties anywhere, really. Just me and the kids, hit the road. I could be a gypsy. :) Unfortunately, if the problem is occurring because of something in us that is broken, it will likely keep happening until you actually deal with it. Deal with whatever the issue is, do it scared, but don't back down. Accept God's healing. Allow yourself to get to the resolution. The issue may resolve the way you'd like, the way you think it will, or it may not. Maybe you'll surprise yourself.

The important thing is that you'll never grow and advance out of the same cycle of problems if you don't push through the crisis.

I love the Serenity Prayer, and appreciate it more now than ever: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

You can't change others. You can't heal them. You can't make them like you. However, you can change your actions; they are fully within your control. You can change the voices in your head and make them like you instead. (Thanks, Pink, for the inspiration there!) No one else can do it for you. Be well! Make healthy choices. Know what you want/need, what is best for you, what God is speaking to you, and go for it! Be bold, be strong, for the Lord God is with you. :)

I'm right alongside you, taking God's hand and asking for courage to take chances, to make changes in my life for the better. There's nothing impossible with Him; all bets are off. Let's do this!

Eyes on ME

Today was one of those days. Didn't sleep well, headache, sore neck, new medication making me feel yucky, etc. Add in stress and a tummyache and I really just wanted to check out of today, maybe skip to next week.

But I started my day with Jesus. And that made all the difference. I used to be so envious of all those perky Christians that had their quiet time every day. I'm pretty undisciplined in most areas, so that never quite worked out for me, even when I tried really, really hard. For whatever reason, I've been thriving on those times alone with Him (and my coffee) this past year. This morning was no different, a balm to my soul.

I was more prepared to handle the junk of today because of what soothed my spirit this morning: peace. HIS peace. Utmost was right on, as usual- "Are you looking unto Jesus now, in the immediate matter that is pressing and receiving from Him peace?...If you try to worry it out, you obliterate Him.."

My friend also sent me a passage about anxiety that caught my attention: "My child, when you are tired, do not be disheartened. Most of your discouragement comes when you carry your own burden, forgetting to call upon Me for help. Give Me everything..."

Confession: I'm a worrier. I struggle with anxiety to begin with, so if you throw in a few other variables, it's near impossible to keep my mind from going in circles. I worry, and fret, and it gets me nowhere. But then God reminds me who is in control.

I remembered the story in Matthew 14 when Peter gets out of the boat and walks to Jesus on the water. When my eyes are on me and the mess around me, I begin to sink, but like Peter, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk confidently on what looks completely impossible.

We used to have a thing we'd say to preschoolers when we need their attention: "1,2,3, eyes on me!" I imagined Jesus looking me in the eyes and saying that to me. "Focus!" So that was my mantra today when my mind began to stress. Eyes on ME. When I felt inferior. Eyes on ME. When I felt afraid. Eyes on ME.

Cause here's the thing: it's not that I don't struggle. Don't trust someone who tells you they never struggle with the junk in life. I just know where to go to get rid of the burden on my shoulders. And when you allow yourself to rest in His presence, lemme tell ya, it's a beautiful thing.