Belovedness

Lately, I haven't blogged much, it's a different kind of season. What He's doing in my heart isn't really something I've felt led to share. It has been Him reaching deep down into my heart and slowly, SLOWLY changing the very depths of it. I've been on a path of discovering my identity as the Beloved. The loved, protected, valued, wanted child of God. It's like being able to really breathe for the first time.

When He told me He is making me new...He wasn't kidding. I had no idea we were starting at the inside, at the very beginning. It should have been obvious to me- if I can't find my TRUE self in Him, anchored to Him...How can I live as a new creation? How can He heal me if I won't see myself the way He sees me?

Sometimes, loving Jesus is almost easier than loving yourself. It's definitely the "holier" thing to do, right?  For years, I have struggled with insecurities, living for the approval and affirmation of others. I've always, always loved the Lord. But I have held Him at a distance, because I couldn't accept His love for me. I thought I had...but really, I was afraid to let Him closer. Like Adam and Eve did, I tried to hide and cover myself. But He has called me out of hiding. He has drawn me closer to Him, and as I've become more vulnerable to Him, I've realized how ashamed of myself I am in His presence. It's incredible how the shame we feel about ourselves can persist even though we are forgiven.

Yet He has shown me this verse: Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces will never be covered in shame. (Ps. 34:5) Radiant. Beautiful. Contrast that with this quote from Brennan Manning*: "when I draw life and meaning from any source other than belovedness, I am spiritually dead."

So how do I accept this belovedness? Brennan suggests that the way to maintain awareness of our identity as Beloved is time alone with God. That will drown out the voices declaring our worthlessness. You cannot know and be known without spending time with a person. It only makes sense that if knowing God is the answer to truly knowing ourselves, we have to spend time with Him.

This visual really helped me to get it- imagine a bowl into which you pour a pitcher of water. The water swirls and swirls, tossing and turning, tumultuous. As it sits in stillness, it slowly begins to settle, until at last, you can see your reflection in it.

When we are constantly in the midst of others, God's voice is easily drowned out by the chaos, and we can't hear Him telling us who we really are. But when we get still, then we can hear and receive that we are, at our core, one radically beloved by God. He has relentlessly and tenderly pursued me, refusing to let me continue on believing that I am anything less.

*Brennan Manning, "Abba's Child"