When things don't make sense.

I haven't blogged since Feb. 9th! Wow. It's not that God hasn't been moving and shaking things around in my head and heart. I've nearly filled a journal this month. But sometimes the stuff He's doing in me is so tedious and personal I don't know how to share it in this setting.

My journey is incredibly different than I could have expected. First a widow after 7 years of marriage. Then a closeness with Christ that is beyond words. And now this strange waiting, not unlike the Hebrews traveling in circles in the desert. Sometimes the security of the familiar past is more tempting then the promise of an unknown future.

I know my promised land is coming. So day by day I seek Him and wait. It's unnerving and I don't do it that well most days. But His tender love, His amusement with my impatience and impertinence keep me from giving up. 

It's funny how we feel like we are surrendered to Christ sometimes when we really aren't. We're doing all the things we are supposed to as Christians. We're taking care of our responsibilities. But the truly surrendered life happens when everything else is thrown overboard, every expectation, every plan and goal WE have for ourselves is lost. Instead of controlling and planning all the details of our lives, we seek Him every step. We do the things that don't make sense. We hold out for His best. We don't take a job that makes a ton of money and go into the ministry instead. We invite people into our home that maybe no one else thinks should be there. We serve and give without any expectation of return. 

And maybe it's just me. But given the amount of scriptures saying to trust, wait, and rely completely on the provision of God, I'm thinking maybe I'm not the only one He is working in to make completely, wholly surrendered to Him. 

The amazing thing is, when you let go and jump into this ocean of surrender it's kind of like going underwater and coming up into a new world, transformed into brilliancy. Everything is brighter, everything is richer, because everything is seen through the eyes of a child. That "child-like faith" thing? Oh yeah, it's beautiful. When I fall down, when I get confused, I sit at His feet and talk to Him like I'm his kid, BECAUSE I AM. 

He's my Father. He adores me. He wants good for me. And if I will just be patient and enjoy today, He will delight me with what He holds for me. 

For those who say "oh, that's silly, God isn't going to...you expect too much from life...from God...he doesn't care about the details...you need to do this..or that.." I say NO. You don't know how mighty God is. Walk with me for awhile and I'll be glad to tell you all about Him!

I don't want to wander around in the desert for the rest of my life. I want to have tenacity and hold on to what I know is true: God is going to deliver for me. Life doesn't make a lot of sense right now. But I'm moving forward with faith into my promised land.