"He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree..."
Yup, I'm a tree. And it's pruning time. Snip, snip, snip. Ouch.
As we get closer to God and submit ourselves with all our desires and flaws to the Master Gardener, we encounter moments in which He has to remove the dead branches so that we can be healthy. It's hard, and it hurts deeply. But without His pruning we would never develop into people with character and integrity, among other things.
Lately I have been brought to a place of complete emptiness, with nothing else to do but cry out from the bottom of the pit for His mercy. Knowing I have hope, but still feeling hopeless. Knowing I have His love, but somehow feeling unloved. Feeling caught on the edge of a cliff with nowhere to go, either forward or back. It's a rough place to be.
I've experienced something really incredible in that place, though. There's nothing like sitting there in your despair and then feeling sleeeeepy, like God gave you a cup of warm milk and a tylenol PM. That's happened to me twice now, and it's the weirdest, coolest feeling ever. I think, whoa, this is what the peace that passes all understanding feels like. This is what it feels like to be carried in the arms of Christ. The weirdest thing is I don't ever realize it right away. It's not a quick fix, like "Jesus, I need You," and then, boom, "oh, ok that's better." It's subtle and slow, but ever so tangible. That's kinda His way though.
The pruning is necessary, and it hurts, but He has promised NEVER to leave me. And He always keeps His word. So as I continue to trust Him through the pain...as I hand Him my foolish little girl heart that is learning through trials...He holds me. He looks in my eyes and says "trust me. I have good for you. This is only a moment, but I have promised you to make you new. And I keep my promises."
So prune away, Lord. I choose You.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
the sin He won't forgive...
I like feeling happy. I mean, don't we all agree that we prefer to feel good, and not like we're stuck in the trenches? In fact, I've been on a pretty good roll lately with God and my emotions. We've been walking along, enjoying life, everything feeling like it's the way it should be. Sunshine and rainbows.
Wouldn't ya know it, that's when dumb-head Satan likes to mess with me the most. (Insert childish pouty lip here.)
This weekend my spirits took a nosedive into a deep, black hole. One of my friends likes to say "God lives at the bottom of the black hole", and I agree, except it was so dark I couldn't see Him. Obviously, lack of sleep and hormones played into this situation, but no matter the rationale I sure didn't like it. I wanted to go back to the happy place. I felt stuck. Round and round on the crazy-go-round with depression, negative self-talk, and anxiety. Yuck.
The verse He led me to on Friday night was Hebrews 5:8- "Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered." In other words, even though He was a Son of the Most High God, with an inheritance of righteousness, He still had to learn obedience through suffering. I can't learn unless I suffer. The easy road won't give me depth, it won't give me a gratitude for grace, and it won't help me learn how to hear and obey my Lord's voice.
SO true. Good stuff. It certainly helped me sleep that night. But this was just the very tip of the iceberg in my heart. God wanted to dig a little deeper into what was really troubling me.
I struggle a lot with perfectionism. I am always, always my worst critic. I am trying to unlearn some bad habits, and it's tough. I think I've applied this characteristic to my God-life as well. I say with my lips "thank you God, for saving a wretch like me" but deep down in my heart, even though I try to deny the pride, I feel like I've done pretty well. I'm a good person. I haven't screwed up so bad. I've stayed above the law, off the radar. I am forgiven and set free, but it's mostly because I've worked so hard to stay holy. As if I could make myself holy.
In talking with my Mom this morning, I realized that I've been searching and fearful of the sin He won't forgive. Certain that I'll do the one thing that will condemn me. He'll say "OH boy, now you've gotta go straight to hell." I know so clearly in my head that I am saved and bought at a price. He paid for me with His son. But deep down I'm waiting for Him to change His mind. It's too good to be true, at least for me. Surely the grace will run out.
But grace isn't really grace unless it MEANS something. He's forgiven me through and through, not just the little things I consider trivial (which is still sin and separates me from God without Christ in me), but also the big horrible things I may do now or far in the future. I cannot sin my way out of His crazy, outrageous, unending love. CAN'T DO IT. Can't. He's got me in His grip, I've bound myself to Him, and He won't let me fall even if I do stumble.
When I realize that, when I allow myself to confront and accept my brokenness, and allow Him to put it all back together better than before...I think that's the best way to combat the enemy when he comes to call.
Are you afraid of committing the one sin He won't forgive? It is for FREEDOM He set you free...so let Him extinguish that fear today.
Wouldn't ya know it, that's when dumb-head Satan likes to mess with me the most. (Insert childish pouty lip here.)
This weekend my spirits took a nosedive into a deep, black hole. One of my friends likes to say "God lives at the bottom of the black hole", and I agree, except it was so dark I couldn't see Him. Obviously, lack of sleep and hormones played into this situation, but no matter the rationale I sure didn't like it. I wanted to go back to the happy place. I felt stuck. Round and round on the crazy-go-round with depression, negative self-talk, and anxiety. Yuck.
The verse He led me to on Friday night was Hebrews 5:8- "Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered." In other words, even though He was a Son of the Most High God, with an inheritance of righteousness, He still had to learn obedience through suffering. I can't learn unless I suffer. The easy road won't give me depth, it won't give me a gratitude for grace, and it won't help me learn how to hear and obey my Lord's voice.
SO true. Good stuff. It certainly helped me sleep that night. But this was just the very tip of the iceberg in my heart. God wanted to dig a little deeper into what was really troubling me.
I struggle a lot with perfectionism. I am always, always my worst critic. I am trying to unlearn some bad habits, and it's tough. I think I've applied this characteristic to my God-life as well. I say with my lips "thank you God, for saving a wretch like me" but deep down in my heart, even though I try to deny the pride, I feel like I've done pretty well. I'm a good person. I haven't screwed up so bad. I've stayed above the law, off the radar. I am forgiven and set free, but it's mostly because I've worked so hard to stay holy. As if I could make myself holy.
In talking with my Mom this morning, I realized that I've been searching and fearful of the sin He won't forgive. Certain that I'll do the one thing that will condemn me. He'll say "OH boy, now you've gotta go straight to hell." I know so clearly in my head that I am saved and bought at a price. He paid for me with His son. But deep down I'm waiting for Him to change His mind. It's too good to be true, at least for me. Surely the grace will run out.
But grace isn't really grace unless it MEANS something. He's forgiven me through and through, not just the little things I consider trivial (which is still sin and separates me from God without Christ in me), but also the big horrible things I may do now or far in the future. I cannot sin my way out of His crazy, outrageous, unending love. CAN'T DO IT. Can't. He's got me in His grip, I've bound myself to Him, and He won't let me fall even if I do stumble.
When I realize that, when I allow myself to confront and accept my brokenness, and allow Him to put it all back together better than before...I think that's the best way to combat the enemy when he comes to call.
Are you afraid of committing the one sin He won't forgive? It is for FREEDOM He set you free...so let Him extinguish that fear today.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
How will you use your freedom?
If I could draw, I think you would agree that the picture in my head is amazing. But I can't draw, so I'm going to attempt to bring you into the story in my mind. It's a little long...but if you give it a few minutes, I pray the truth of it resonates deep within your soul. Let's begin...
Imagine that you are having the time of your life. Everything is so incredibly fun and you feel so alive. You never have a shortage of friends to party with, perhaps drugs or alcohol make things even better. You are constantly complimented, everyone seems to love you. Or do they just love how you make them feel? Still, it's better than being alone. What could be better than this? Still...after awhile...you can't help feeling like your relationships are just a bit superficial. After people hang with you they split once you've given them what they've wanted. In the midst of the "fun", surrounded by people, the life that once made you feel so alive now feels empty. Like something is missing. But what? You try changing some things- new friends, a new job, maybe even trying out church. Things get worse. The emptiness takes over. You start turning to drugs or alcohol to escape it. All those fun things suffocate you now. Everything just seems to crush you. You run to the edge of yourself and find that you are in a cage. As far around as you can see, like an animal in a zoo, you are trapped.
Then you see something. A light. On the other side of the bars. You cry out- "HELP! Hey, help me! Please!" Desperately you run towards it, and the light becomes brighter. You get to the edge of the cage and realize it is a man. Frantically reaching, stretching your arm through the bars you grab onto his robe. "Save me!!! I can't get out of here!" you cry.
And just like that, the bars are gone.
You look around only to find you are alone in a field with this man, who calls himself Jesus.
His eyes are piercing, enough to see the depths of your anguish, and at the same time tender enough to soothe your soul.
And in that moment, you know you are whole. Safe. Loved. Wrapping you tightly in a bear hug, He whispers in your ear with a catch in His voice, "welcome, my beloved."
He takes your hand and leads you by His side across the hill. You had never much cared what was happening over there, but now you see clearly. Colors are so vivid, sounds so crystal clear, light brighter than you ever imagined. Laughter flows around you, joy lifts you up. People come forward to engage you in true friendship. This...THIS is life. This is what it feels to be alive. Dead to the old life which weighed you down, you are able to run and laugh with the other who have discovered what it means to truly LIVE. You look to Jesus and see the pleasure on His face at seeing you understand all this.
Then someone comes to visit. It's a curious, dark little creature...and he's come to bring you back "home." "Your friends miss you, you see. They are the ones who really know you. We need you back on the other side of the hill. You don't really think you belong here, do you?" He cackles, skeptically.
Confused, you look to Jesus. "Maybe he is right," you think. "Maybe once Jesus really gets to know me, He'll send me back anyways."
All of a sudden, He is right in your face. Those piercing eyes meet yours again. "Dear one, I set you free so you could be free indeed. Don't go back to that life of captivity. Don't go back to the cage. It is for freedom I set you free! You are free to choose, of course. But know that the price has been paid and you are no longer bound to that life you once lived. You are mine, and I love you. Exactly as you are."
Fire stirs deep within your soul as you wrap your mind around those words. You turn to the creature and respond "No. I'm staying here. I won't let you take me back to be your slave. I am free here." And you return to your true life, that which you were created to experience. All is well.
Galatians 5:1 (msg)- "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you."
This passage compares the life seeking our own selves to the life lived in Christ's freedom:
It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way fruit appears in an orchard- things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. (Gal. 5:19-23, Msg)
So, the choice is yours. How will you use your freedom?
Imagine that you are having the time of your life. Everything is so incredibly fun and you feel so alive. You never have a shortage of friends to party with, perhaps drugs or alcohol make things even better. You are constantly complimented, everyone seems to love you. Or do they just love how you make them feel? Still, it's better than being alone. What could be better than this? Still...after awhile...you can't help feeling like your relationships are just a bit superficial. After people hang with you they split once you've given them what they've wanted. In the midst of the "fun", surrounded by people, the life that once made you feel so alive now feels empty. Like something is missing. But what? You try changing some things- new friends, a new job, maybe even trying out church. Things get worse. The emptiness takes over. You start turning to drugs or alcohol to escape it. All those fun things suffocate you now. Everything just seems to crush you. You run to the edge of yourself and find that you are in a cage. As far around as you can see, like an animal in a zoo, you are trapped.
Then you see something. A light. On the other side of the bars. You cry out- "HELP! Hey, help me! Please!" Desperately you run towards it, and the light becomes brighter. You get to the edge of the cage and realize it is a man. Frantically reaching, stretching your arm through the bars you grab onto his robe. "Save me!!! I can't get out of here!" you cry.
And just like that, the bars are gone.
You look around only to find you are alone in a field with this man, who calls himself Jesus.
His eyes are piercing, enough to see the depths of your anguish, and at the same time tender enough to soothe your soul.
And in that moment, you know you are whole. Safe. Loved. Wrapping you tightly in a bear hug, He whispers in your ear with a catch in His voice, "welcome, my beloved."
He takes your hand and leads you by His side across the hill. You had never much cared what was happening over there, but now you see clearly. Colors are so vivid, sounds so crystal clear, light brighter than you ever imagined. Laughter flows around you, joy lifts you up. People come forward to engage you in true friendship. This...THIS is life. This is what it feels to be alive. Dead to the old life which weighed you down, you are able to run and laugh with the other who have discovered what it means to truly LIVE. You look to Jesus and see the pleasure on His face at seeing you understand all this.
Then someone comes to visit. It's a curious, dark little creature...and he's come to bring you back "home." "Your friends miss you, you see. They are the ones who really know you. We need you back on the other side of the hill. You don't really think you belong here, do you?" He cackles, skeptically.
Confused, you look to Jesus. "Maybe he is right," you think. "Maybe once Jesus really gets to know me, He'll send me back anyways."
All of a sudden, He is right in your face. Those piercing eyes meet yours again. "Dear one, I set you free so you could be free indeed. Don't go back to that life of captivity. Don't go back to the cage. It is for freedom I set you free! You are free to choose, of course. But know that the price has been paid and you are no longer bound to that life you once lived. You are mine, and I love you. Exactly as you are."
Fire stirs deep within your soul as you wrap your mind around those words. You turn to the creature and respond "No. I'm staying here. I won't let you take me back to be your slave. I am free here." And you return to your true life, that which you were created to experience. All is well.
Galatians 5:1 (msg)- "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you."
This passage compares the life seeking our own selves to the life lived in Christ's freedom:
It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way fruit appears in an orchard- things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. (Gal. 5:19-23, Msg)
So, the choice is yours. How will you use your freedom?
Monday, April 9, 2012
Knowing vs. Knowing about
Ok- I'm addicted. The more I spend time alone simply listening for Him, resting in Him, waiting on Him...the more I want of it. Time spent alone with Jesus satisfies such a deep need within my soul. As I write I'm sitting on my front porch, the scent of honeysuckle swirling on the cool breeze around me, the first few stars in the dusky sky, the crickets and birds filling the air with a song, and I'm certain I'm in love. It's like for the first time, I'm really alive. I really accept myself, because he adores me. I can handle my faults and imperfections without hating myself for them, because He is using them to bring glory to His name.
Time alone with Him puts everything aright within me. Things are as they should be. Nothing is too big for Him to handle, nothing surprises or disappoints Him...therefore why should I be weighed down by things on my mind? Rather, I bring them to Jesus. I cast my troubles on Him, because He CARES for me! (1 Peter 5:7).
I love how the Bible is full of so much goodness, even a romance story! Song of Solomon can make me laugh- can you imagine a guy telling you your eyes are like doves? Hmm...thanks? But in so many ways it speaks of the tender, intimate love that Christ has for us, and for His bride, the church. It reminds us what pure, Godly romance can look like! It's easy to have that muddled up here on earth.
I love this verse: "Tell me where you're working- I love you so much. Tell me where you're tending your flocks, where you let them rest at noontime. Why should I be the one left out- outside the orbit of your tender care?" (Song of Solomon 1:7 Msg.)
It's absolutely the way I feel right now. Tell me where You will be- I'll be there. Tell me where to find You- I'll go. I don't want to miss another minute of Your presence. I just want to hang out with You all the time- where You're working, or resting. Why should I be sidelined? Draw me close, I want nothing else!
See, the difference between knowing ABOUT Jesus and knowing Jesus is exponential. How many years did I spend in the church, fighting my sins, fighting my self-doubt, self-hatred...and missing it all! Missing the best part. Missing the opportunity to be loved completely. It's a love that changes you from the inside out, that mends what's broken, that makes beautiful things out of dust. That makes you brand new.
Give Him your brokenness and He will create something beautiful. You'll never be the same.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Is He enough?
Life, especially my spiritual life, has come to a kind of plateau for me right now. I'm back into the grind of day to day life, still enjoying my morning quiet times, things just seem a little more still. I'm not getting as many new revelations from God as I felt I was this time last year. I'm learning to simply enjoy His presence. Maybe it's the calm before the storm. :)
But there were two things that hit me today that I want to share/dig into. 1- God loves us and guides us as individuals, not in a general manner; and 2- is He enough?
As my walk with Him has become more real to me, I've begun to see and appreciate how He speaks to me so specifically. Everything begins to seem connected. I am aware when there is an issue He wants to deal with, because things just become obvious. Like when I hear a scripture over, and over. And the amazing thing is that He does this in each and every one of us. Not only are we completely different in personality, likes/dislikes, etc, but we are also at very different points in our walk with Him. Amazing.
I've been listening to messages by a Knoxvillian pastor named Sean Alsobrooks for a few months now, and the thing he says that sticks with me the most is "God is good at what He does." Say that to yourself. It's so true, and I think we forget sometimes. I am here, I am available, but He does the work. He makes the changes. He orchestrates the details of my life as beautifully as He put the stars in place. It's beyond our comprehension, really, but it's the truth.
God so loves the world, but He also loves each one of us. I am His beloved. You can be, too. And though we may sit side by side and hear the same thing, we will each receive in our minds and hearts separate things because God is at work in us for His glory.
Now lately I've been a little concerned with my next step. Not anxious, but searching. Applying for different jobs, looking into different avenues of work. A few more doors have closed (nothing new), and I was getting a bit discouraged.
And then wham! He grabbed my heart. "What if you never work again? What if I never deliver your "promised land"? Am I enough? Is simply being in love with me enough for you?"
OH.
When the God of the universe speaks such questions to your heart...you get a little quiet inside. Am I more concerned with His guidance, His will, and serving Him more than I am in just being His child? Am I content for now with the reassurance He'll do something awesome later? If this was it...no big mighty woman of God path ahead..would I be satisfied? Like He told His disciples, "leave everything and follow Me." That's my true calling.
This is something I must digest for myself now, but I leave you with the same question: "Is being in love with Him enough for you? Is He enough?"
But there were two things that hit me today that I want to share/dig into. 1- God loves us and guides us as individuals, not in a general manner; and 2- is He enough?
As my walk with Him has become more real to me, I've begun to see and appreciate how He speaks to me so specifically. Everything begins to seem connected. I am aware when there is an issue He wants to deal with, because things just become obvious. Like when I hear a scripture over, and over. And the amazing thing is that He does this in each and every one of us. Not only are we completely different in personality, likes/dislikes, etc, but we are also at very different points in our walk with Him. Amazing.
I've been listening to messages by a Knoxvillian pastor named Sean Alsobrooks for a few months now, and the thing he says that sticks with me the most is "God is good at what He does." Say that to yourself. It's so true, and I think we forget sometimes. I am here, I am available, but He does the work. He makes the changes. He orchestrates the details of my life as beautifully as He put the stars in place. It's beyond our comprehension, really, but it's the truth.
God so loves the world, but He also loves each one of us. I am His beloved. You can be, too. And though we may sit side by side and hear the same thing, we will each receive in our minds and hearts separate things because God is at work in us for His glory.
Now lately I've been a little concerned with my next step. Not anxious, but searching. Applying for different jobs, looking into different avenues of work. A few more doors have closed (nothing new), and I was getting a bit discouraged.
And then wham! He grabbed my heart. "What if you never work again? What if I never deliver your "promised land"? Am I enough? Is simply being in love with me enough for you?"
OH.
When the God of the universe speaks such questions to your heart...you get a little quiet inside. Am I more concerned with His guidance, His will, and serving Him more than I am in just being His child? Am I content for now with the reassurance He'll do something awesome later? If this was it...no big mighty woman of God path ahead..would I be satisfied? Like He told His disciples, "leave everything and follow Me." That's my true calling.
This is something I must digest for myself now, but I leave you with the same question: "Is being in love with Him enough for you? Is He enough?"
Monday, March 26, 2012
Beautiful land, sweet presence of Jesus
How in the world am I going to blog about my week in Haiti??? Seriously...I'm sitting here with absolutely no idea what to write. If any of this touches your heart, be assured it is the work of the Holy Spirit and not my own!!
I was beyond impressed with the beauty of Haiti. I suppose my expectations were of extreme poverty and despair. Don't get me wrong, of course there were pockets of that. Despite the dust on the ground, if your eyes looked just above that, there was beauty. The sky was SO blue, the trees SO green. Color and life and craziness everywhere. When you strip away what you see on first glance...when you have no security in your comfort zone, no way to communicate clearly...you're able to see how HE sees. It's a unique feeling. This morning I read, "blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Perhaps, as I strive to be nothing but a child before the Lord, I become pure in my heart, and am able to see God in everything around me. Especially in desolate places where I wouldn't see Him with my earthly eyes.
I also had one of the most amazing, intimate meetings with Him. Ever. Only once recently have I been that moved to tears by the closeness of His presence. It feels like I am becoming increasingly vulnerable as I hold out my heart to Him and let go, and the depth and intensity of His love blows me away. I have always been such a fearful thing, I look back over my life and am beyond amazed to see the trace of His hand. How could He use me? Have chosen me? Who am I? I've been His my whole life, but only now am I beginning to understand that. He's so good, y'all. So, so good.
I'm learning the value of simply seeking His face. I have a dear friend who gives me precious words from God always right on time. I've been so stressed about doing God's will, what does He want me to be doing with my life, etc. This is what spoke to me: "Seek my face and do my bidding, and follow my direction explicitly and you will find yourself IN my perfect will- not seeking it. It will appear. It will be inescapable. It will be natural and easy. No man shall be able to hinder or destroy my work. I will create it in and through you, and you shall know that it has come pure from my hand."
So many verses in the bible talk about seeking His face. He wants to be our friend, our Lord. He wants time with us. We spend time with those we love, and so it follows that if I want to be friends with Him, and love Him, then I spend time with Him. Not with any ulterior motives- such as what He can give me (He knows all our needs before we ask- Matt. 6:8), or trying to figure out the next step to take. Just sit with Him. I have discovered the sheer pleasure of the presence of the King. Get still before Him, allow Him to be near as breath to you, and I promise: You will be blown away when you see just how crazy He is about you!
I was beyond impressed with the beauty of Haiti. I suppose my expectations were of extreme poverty and despair. Don't get me wrong, of course there were pockets of that. Despite the dust on the ground, if your eyes looked just above that, there was beauty. The sky was SO blue, the trees SO green. Color and life and craziness everywhere. When you strip away what you see on first glance...when you have no security in your comfort zone, no way to communicate clearly...you're able to see how HE sees. It's a unique feeling. This morning I read, "blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Perhaps, as I strive to be nothing but a child before the Lord, I become pure in my heart, and am able to see God in everything around me. Especially in desolate places where I wouldn't see Him with my earthly eyes.
I also had one of the most amazing, intimate meetings with Him. Ever. Only once recently have I been that moved to tears by the closeness of His presence. It feels like I am becoming increasingly vulnerable as I hold out my heart to Him and let go, and the depth and intensity of His love blows me away. I have always been such a fearful thing, I look back over my life and am beyond amazed to see the trace of His hand. How could He use me? Have chosen me? Who am I? I've been His my whole life, but only now am I beginning to understand that. He's so good, y'all. So, so good.
I'm learning the value of simply seeking His face. I have a dear friend who gives me precious words from God always right on time. I've been so stressed about doing God's will, what does He want me to be doing with my life, etc. This is what spoke to me: "Seek my face and do my bidding, and follow my direction explicitly and you will find yourself IN my perfect will- not seeking it. It will appear. It will be inescapable. It will be natural and easy. No man shall be able to hinder or destroy my work. I will create it in and through you, and you shall know that it has come pure from my hand."
So many verses in the bible talk about seeking His face. He wants to be our friend, our Lord. He wants time with us. We spend time with those we love, and so it follows that if I want to be friends with Him, and love Him, then I spend time with Him. Not with any ulterior motives- such as what He can give me (He knows all our needs before we ask- Matt. 6:8), or trying to figure out the next step to take. Just sit with Him. I have discovered the sheer pleasure of the presence of the King. Get still before Him, allow Him to be near as breath to you, and I promise: You will be blown away when you see just how crazy He is about you!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Belovedness
Lately, I haven't blogged much, it's a different kind of season. What He's doing in my heart isn't really something I've felt led to share. It has been Him reaching deep down into my heart and slowly, SLOWLY changing the very depths of it. I've been on a path of discovering my identity as the Beloved. The loved, protected, valued, wanted child of God. It's like being able to really breathe for the first time.
When He told me He is making me new...He wasn't kidding. I had no idea we were starting at the inside, at the very beginning. It should have been obvious to me- if I can't find my TRUE self in Him, anchored to Him...How can I live as a new creation? How can He heal me if I won't see myself the way He sees me?
Sometimes, loving Jesus is almost easier than loving yourself. It's definitely the "holier" thing to do, right? For years, I have struggled with insecurities, living for the approval and affirmation of others. I've always, always loved the Lord. But I have held Him at a distance, because I couldn't accept His love for me. I thought I had...but really, I was afraid to let Him closer. Like Adam and Eve did, I tried to hide and cover myself. But He has called me out of hiding. He has drawn me closer to Him, and as I've become more vulnerable to Him, I've realized how ashamed of myself I am in His presence. It's incredible how the shame we feel about ourselves can persist even though we are forgiven.
Yet He has shown me this verse: Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces will never be covered in shame. (Ps. 34:5) Radiant. Beautiful. Contrast that with this quote from Brennan Manning*: "when I draw life and meaning from any source other than belovedness, I am spiritually dead."
So how do I accept this belovedness? Brennan suggests that the way to maintain awareness of our identity as Beloved is time alone with God. That will drown out the voices declaring our worthlessness. You cannot know and be known without spending time with a person. It only makes sense that if knowing God is the answer to truly knowing ourselves, we have to spend time with Him.
This visual really helped me to get it- imagine a bowl into which you pour a pitcher of water. The water swirls and swirls, tossing and turning, tumultuous. As it sits in stillness, it slowly begins to settle, until at last, you can see your reflection in it.
When we are constantly in the midst of others, God's voice is easily drowned out by the chaos, and we can't hear Him telling us who we really are. But when we get still, then we can hear and receive that we are, at our core, one radically beloved by God. He has relentlessly and tenderly pursued me, refusing to let me continue on believing that I am anything less.
*Brennan Manning, "Abba's Child"
When He told me He is making me new...He wasn't kidding. I had no idea we were starting at the inside, at the very beginning. It should have been obvious to me- if I can't find my TRUE self in Him, anchored to Him...How can I live as a new creation? How can He heal me if I won't see myself the way He sees me?
Sometimes, loving Jesus is almost easier than loving yourself. It's definitely the "holier" thing to do, right? For years, I have struggled with insecurities, living for the approval and affirmation of others. I've always, always loved the Lord. But I have held Him at a distance, because I couldn't accept His love for me. I thought I had...but really, I was afraid to let Him closer. Like Adam and Eve did, I tried to hide and cover myself. But He has called me out of hiding. He has drawn me closer to Him, and as I've become more vulnerable to Him, I've realized how ashamed of myself I am in His presence. It's incredible how the shame we feel about ourselves can persist even though we are forgiven.
Yet He has shown me this verse: Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces will never be covered in shame. (Ps. 34:5) Radiant. Beautiful. Contrast that with this quote from Brennan Manning*: "when I draw life and meaning from any source other than belovedness, I am spiritually dead."
So how do I accept this belovedness? Brennan suggests that the way to maintain awareness of our identity as Beloved is time alone with God. That will drown out the voices declaring our worthlessness. You cannot know and be known without spending time with a person. It only makes sense that if knowing God is the answer to truly knowing ourselves, we have to spend time with Him.
This visual really helped me to get it- imagine a bowl into which you pour a pitcher of water. The water swirls and swirls, tossing and turning, tumultuous. As it sits in stillness, it slowly begins to settle, until at last, you can see your reflection in it.
When we are constantly in the midst of others, God's voice is easily drowned out by the chaos, and we can't hear Him telling us who we really are. But when we get still, then we can hear and receive that we are, at our core, one radically beloved by God. He has relentlessly and tenderly pursued me, refusing to let me continue on believing that I am anything less.
*Brennan Manning, "Abba's Child"
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