I Am Edmund

Winter is wreaking havoc on us this year. I am thankful for some snow days (snow week!), but to be perfectly honest, this cold just ain't my style.

In the interest of enjoying our wintery down time, we watched Narnia as a family this weekend. Though I detested reading and journaling on the series of books in 4th grade, I really like the movies. :) The movie just brings everything to life and I am captivated!

While watching it, I said to no one in particular, "Ugh, Edmund is the worst. I can't stand him! So selfish and foolish and easily bought. And that annoying little smirk on his face. Sigh." So then my intelligent boyfriend begins to explain that Edmund represents this or that in the story (Judas, I think he said), etc..

I know. I know. Still don't like him. My response really should've been a sign to me. But I digress.

This morning I'm sitting here, thinking about all of us trapped in sins we can't seem to get free of. Thinking about what grace looks like when our hands are stained, when we've been found guilty the 7th, 8th, 20th time. Is God just a big pushover to forgive us every time? Then Aslan and Edmund and Narnia popped in my head. (Thank you, Lord, for using Disney movies to slap me upside the head. Seriously.)

I pictured Edmund's face when he realized that he was caught in betrayal over "sweeties", that death itself was the consequence. He could not make any excuses- he was stuck, ashamed and embarrassed. I remembered the look on Aslan's face when he regarded Edmund: no anger or condescension to be found. He came out of the tent after debating with the white witch and his expression showed love, sadness, and resolution.

He didn't scold Edmund. He didn't correct him. They both were well aware of what had been done, of who had done the betraying, and what the cost was. Yet without any hesitation, the deal was struck to trade a spotless life for his. For EDMUND! For the snarky little boy I don't like who gave up his whole family AND the mighty lion Aslan for Turkish Delight! Seems a little extra generous when you look at it that way. However, the boyfriend is correct- C.S. Lewis intends the story to symbolize a greater one.

How many times have I sinned and been declared guilty by the accuser in front of the throne of God? How many times have I been seduced by cookies and gotten a tummy ache? How often has satan had the right to bind me and throw me in the pit, based on the law of sin and death? Perhaps that is why Edmund gets under my skin so much- he and I, we're the same. I want him to be better, to do better, to not be so stupid! These are things I think to myself as well when I choose poorly.

Yet when I come before my Lord, God/Jesus/Aslan regards me...I'm found fully guilty, completely ashamed of messing up again, without an excuse, unable to blame another...and his face is full of love, sadness, and resolution. He beholds the state I'm in and roars "it is FINISHED!" Let us rejoice.

John 3:17 "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but the the world might be saved through Him."

Accepting the struggle

 I love this verse! "For this is like the days of Noah to Me, When I swore that the waters of Noah would not flood the earth again; so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you nor will I rebuke you. For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but my lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and my covenant of peace will not be shaken," says the Lord who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:9-10. 

In the immediate year or so after Mike's death, I experienced a "honeymoon" period with God. He was all I had, and my relationship with Him became real and vibrant and life-giving at a time when I was heartbroken. 

This was HUGE for me, because it was the relationship with Jesus I had always wanted and tried to have. The kind that I thought we were all supposed to have. I felt like I finally was where I was supposed to be, spiritually speaking. I was being nurtured in a lush garden of grace. 

But (and you knew there was a but, didn't you?)... eventually I had to leave that place. I didn't want to. Who wants to leave paradise? Who wants to walk away from that? Not me!  God, however, decided it was time for me to walk down the mountain and back into the wilderness. The dry, desert time. When  everything seems harder. I know He is still there, but I just don't feel it. I still try to have devotional time every day...but the feel of His breath on my face is gone. 

The old me, the "religious me" that refuses to accept grace thinks it's my fault. I got a job. I got a boyfriend. I became too busy. I've pushed the Lord to the side. I, I, I. Catch the trend? When things were good between Jesus and I in that "lush garden of grace",  I felt like I walked in there, and it was my responsibility to stay there there. 

Here's the thing: while we do have times we push the Lord to the side...it's not really all about us. Is He not able to take us through both the lush jungles and dry deserts? Does His love wane when we become busy? Can He not draw us tenderly back time and time again? Isn't HE the one in charge here? 

He drew me near to His heart and carried me through the hardest experience in my life thus far. Life is made of seasons, though. That season was not intended to be a forever time...but to fill me and send me into the valley to minister to others. It became clear to me that I wasn't leaving room in my journey to accept the struggle. I want to be perfect, especially in my relationship with Christ. But I am His child, the responder to the relationship HE initiated.

Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's dry and crunchy. Sometimes I feel nothing. But I know. I KNOW: I still love Jesus, with all my heart. And isn't that what He really wants, anyways? Do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him (Micah 6:8). The Message version says it this way: don't take yourself too seriously, take God seriously. 

Let's not take ourselves so seriously, eh? The verse at the top reminds me that He kindly loves us and Has compassion on us. He died for us when we were still sinners! WE can accept our struggles, because HE accepts our struggles!! Accept the dry and crunchy and keep walking forward to the next season. Who knows what He has around the bend?? 

soul restoration

Dec. 10, 2012: I begin work for the first time as a registered nurse.

January 2013: Although I'm enjoying working, I'm exhausted! This job is stressful! So much to be responsible for and I'm figuring out most of it as I go. How am I supposed to work full time and still sleep? See my kids? Have time with Jesus? I mean...seriously. I'm wearing myself out.

February 2013: I begin working night shift. Welcome to a whole new level of exhaustion and stress, baby!  Although I feel certain I'm walking in the plans God has for me...what was He thinking?!?!

Feb. 23, 2013: A much needed weekend getaway to Grandma's, in which I am able to sleep uninterrupted for 10 hours!! God bless my grandparents! The kids go swimming and I have a break. Time to shop? :) ... Yet I feel the Lord trying to get my attention.

SO, I grab a cup of coffee from McDonald's and take my weary body down to sit by a noisy little brook on the local college campus. In a swing.

The swing was completely soaked, so I had to sit on a blanket. I must've looked so out of place, wrapped in a blankie on a swing in the middle of this rainy day. But I didn't care...because I realized sitting quietly by rushing water is my new most favorite thing in the world.

And after being there for 5 minutes, I realized I made the right choice. I felt His presence again. It was like breathing after being underwater too long. Or a glass of water when you're completely parched.

If you've never felt that way...I know it sounds insane. I never understood the whole "as the deer pants for the water" thing either. But I experienced it that day.

I was completely and totally depleted: physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had nothing to offer anyone and was quickly becoming depressed. I missed Him. I missed our morning quiet moments together before I started to work. I missed the way when I meet with Him each day I remember who I am.

See, I had been starting to slip back into that whole "religious" mindset, of trying to earn grace, hating myself, and feeling like a disappointment to my Abba.

And honestly! Imagine, a disappointment to Him. He set that one right straightaway. "I MADE YOU. From the time I knit you together with every detail planned, until now; in every moment you've hid your face in shame, I have loved you. You have never disappointed me. I know you cannot understand unconditional love through your conditional human eyes. But trust me. My Word is true, and nothing can separate you from my love."

At that point I was a soggy mess. But I felt like I could breathe again. We begin to "talk" about the blessings He's brought into my life lately. I was able to feel happiness again, have thankfulness; to give praise.

As I looked at the water I thought of that beautiful Psalm: "He leads me beside still waters...He restores my soul."

True. Completely true. My soul was brought back that day, from close to flatlining to normal sinus rhythm (yep...cardiac nurse now!). We so easily slip into the grind of each day, and without that time with Him to refresh we become apathetic, bitter, resentful and exhausted. Because we weren't meant to go it alone! It's easy to become distracted and forget. I quite honestly can't imagine how I'm gonna do those quiet times on my 5am wake-up days...but I have been reminded that they aren't really suggested as much as vital to our ability to live the full kingdom life now. And I want to feel that life now, rather than get all dried up and crabby again. How about you?

I. AM. HIS.

This morning at Knoxlife Pastor Sean talked about how we sometimes use religion as a sort of gauge of how well we are pleasing God. Those weren't his exact words: that's my summary.

When we're following the rules, we're super pleasing to God. But when we break them we fall out of His favor. He is upset/disappointed and we must repent or do SOMETHING to get back on His good side. Sometimes we aren't even aware of how the rules of religion affect us until we mess up (which is probably really often!)

The law is tangible. It makes sense to our tiny human minds. It's something that we feel comfortable with because we understand it.

But God and His kingdom are far, far beyond our comprehension. When Jesus came and died it became possible to live that free kingdom life NOW. He fulfilled the law. Now we can rest in His arms without striving for His approval. Yet....we forget that last part. Or we feel like it's too good to be true.

Ultimately I just had a really rough morning. (I believe equal parts of PMS and satan are to blame). I felt like a giant super sinner that continues to make stupid choices. An idiot. Feeling that I'm not pleasing to God at the moment. Not sure how to even fix it. But just kept feeling this voice say "you can do better. you can BE better."

UGH.

So tonight I continue trying to process what happened at church. Trying to understand what in the world caused that hot mess. And this thought came to mind. God: "Do you think I see you any differently now than a year ago?"(At which point I had to try really hard to even think about where I was a year ago!) But seriously- whether I feel close, or far; whether I'm being Jenny super Christian or just a worn out mom yelling at her kids...

...has anything that I've done recently made God see me any differently than He did a year ago?

Two years ago? The circumstances in my life change daily, and so does my behavior (both good and bad) - and my mindset. BUT GOD DOES NOT. He is unchanging. His LOVE is unchanging. He sees me and loves me the same day in and day out. Regardless of anything I have or have not done. Regardless of my emotions. Regardless even of whether or not I believe it and accept it- His love is constant.

I will probably never be able to grasp that this side of heaven. Grace. It's free, unearned, unexplainable. Not only have I been pardoned...but I have been pardoned with LOVE. I am wanted, cherished, value, and worthy. I am HIS. I've gotta stay close by His side so I can shout that back at the voices of doubt and condemnation that drain me. I. AM. HIS. And He said "It is finished."

Enjoy life!

At church this past Sunday, we watched a video clip of 'Christian-ese.' You know what I'm talking about, the lingo Christians use so very often. I laughed hard because I've said half the things in that short clip! "...hold me accountable...small group...guard your heart...secular music...intense fellowship"

When I was doing my "quiet time" yesterday this Christian-ese phrase gave me pause: "be in the world, not of the world." Now, I know what you're saying: but it's Biblical. And I know there is a very valid point behind the words that were said. But here's the thing: followers of Jesus follow Jesus. Our role here is to imitate Him. 

And before you say I'm "going down a bad path" or I "need someone to hold me accountable", let's dig through this together.

Jesus walked, talked, ate, and drank with sinners- everyday people like you and I. "He was so much in the ordinary world that the religious people of His day called Him a glutton..." (Oswald Chambers). He didn't cut himself off from everyone. He wasn't reclusive. He interacted with whomever was in His path. But internally, inwardly, he was constantly in another world. His primary focus was on the relationship between Himself and His Father. Nothing got between Him and His Dad.

We should never allow anything to come between us and the source of our "muchness" (thank you Alice in Wonderland for that word...). The problem we run into, I believe, is when we feel that to maintain that internal relationship, we must externally avoid everything else. We hide in our comfortable Christian circles, events, groups, etc. We isolate. We exclude. We lose valuable opportunities to share the joy of our Lord. 

And while I do agree we shouldn't deliberately place ourselves in situations where we will be tempted to lose our focus on Christ, I think we're missing the freedom of simply living. We lose the fullness of life by restricting ourselves and trying SO hard to be holy! When we go moment to moment fully dependent on God to direct each step, abiding in Him; when we dare to let go and enjoy our short time here, we can become a part of a community where He is the center. 

We can enjoy this life, this Earth. It was created by Him and called good! "In, not of" doesn't mean hide in a hut until He returns. I believe we can follow His example and enjoy the blessings He's given us while we're here. 

Let your spirit be open to His leading. His correction, His guidance, and also opening yourself up to accepting the blessings He gives. To follow Him even into a place that seems outside your comfort zone. We can learn to maintain a close relationship with Him internally without becoming fearful and reclusive. 

As for me? I want to be a girl of another world who actually participates in this one. What are your thoughts?

I'm thankful for a possibility of a possibility...

Today we sit back and reflect on what it means to be thankful, and what we are thankful for. Some years it's harder than others to find that "silver lining." We all go through tough times. But I'm feeling richly blessed right now.

This year I have quite a bit to be thankful for. 
*I have the love, forgiveness, and patience of an amazing God who never quits on me and is always working out good things for me.
*I have a family that loves each other, with enough dysfunction to keep it interesting.
*I have two amazing kiddos that remind me each day of how awesome and creative God is!
*I have plenty of food and water, and the knowledge to cook/bake to make said food yummy.
*I have a community of friends that walk alongside me, encourage me, and make me laugh. Their support is priceless.
*I have a home, with water, electricity, and plumbing. It's cozy and warm and it's affordable.
*I (almost) have a job that will challenge me to grow and allow me to care for people.
*I can read, sing, and dance. And I can laugh at myself when I dance.
*I have a closet full of clothes and shoes.

I need nothing, He has supplied all my needs. It's true!

And there just happens to be something else that is causing me to give thanks to the Lord. Something that wasn't anticipated. Have you ever been so surprised by something unplanned that it takes you a bit to figure out exactly what's happening? Maybe that's just me...but I digress.

Nearly three years ago, I lost a husband. I was pretty insistent that I would never date/marry again. There was talks of becoming a nun. The pain was absolutely and completely horrible; why on Earth would I ever place myself in a position to go through that again?!?!

Then over the course of this past year, God began to thaw out my heart. It was a slow process, sometimes painful, but He began to put little suggestions in my heart, creating a place for a possibility to grow again. He asked for my trust, not in another man, but in what comes from His hand, and I gave it. (Not without digging my heels in a little bit.)

God slowly turned a friendship into something more, only somewhat surprising me :) and definitely surprising the beaux. This morning during my quiet time, I recognized that I still had some lingering fears.

And He asked me again to simply trust Him. To accept the blessing. (Knoxlifers- receive the biscuits!!) When God gives us a gift, why does it seem so hard to accept it? We're so afraid, so tentative, wanting to avoid anything that could cause pain. Yes, being vulnerable to Him, to love, can mean that we may be hurt someday. Regardless, protecting myself from any possible pain denies Him the one thing He requests: my heart. He wants my trust. To believe that He will give me what I need, and what is best for me, and that I can let go of my fears and fall into His arms of love.

I can trust Him. He is God, my Abba, and He adores me. He gives me good things. Regardless of the outcome, for now He is growing me through this new development with my handsome friend (Who also happens to be a great kisser. Just saying. )

Fall into HIM today. His love is strong. He deserves our whole hearts, and our trust.

Receiving gracefully

My intent in writing this blog has always been to share my journey and love for God with readers. I use the word journey specifically because I am learning (slowly) to embrace the process of growth...and not just long for the end point when I'm "complete." I hope it gives you a chuckle from time to time, and that maybe, just maybe, you can relate.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. I have to say, I've missed it. I've missed communicating the craziness that happens in my life, I've missed your responses, and I've missed the filling up and pouring out of Jesus through this blog.

What I've been taught over the last few days is the beauty of receiving. For some of us, receiving things, whether it be gifts, compliments, or help, comes very naturally. For some people it's quite a struggle. I fall in between those two extremes somewhere: until you get to the receiving of God's grace. That one I really fight sometimes.

WHY?

Why is it often so simple to accept a gift from a friend, or help with house repairs, and yet the most beautiful, free, un-earnable gift is so difficult to accept?

One of the things I love most about Jesus, and find most perplexing, is that nothing is ever forced. Every thing He ever does is offered. Placed before us. We are always given the choice. Even the rich young ruler in Matthew 19:16. He asked Jesus- "What am I still lacking?" and Jesus gave him the answer: "sell your possessions...and come, follow me." This part gets me, though- the man went away grieving, likely because he didn't feel he could do that, and JESUS LET HIM.

How many of us could do that? How many of us could offer a priceless gift that we knew would really help someone more than anything else, and let them refuse it and walk away? That is exactly what He does.

I have been RIDICULOUSLY stressed lately: feeling the burden of my daily chores, of life. Feeling like I'm climbing a muddy hill and I keep sliding backwards- all my efforts seem in vain. Burdened, exhausted, and getting nowhere.

I realized my heart attitude was rotten. When I spent time worshipping God, and letting Him fill my heart with joy and change the lens with which I saw my chores, I was able to literally feel the weight lift. I felt peace. I realized that I can choose to do all things unto the Lord (Colossians 3). OR I can choose to keep my negative, burdened, overwhelmed attitude. He offers peace. I can choose to receive it. YES PLEASE!! I receive the joy of being your child. I receive Your peace.

John 1:12 says to all who received Him....He gave the right to become children of God.

He'll never force His way. He's too much of a gentleman for that. Instead, Jesus will offer us Himself...and all the gifts that come from abiding with Him. The choice to receive is always up to us.

Lord, please help me to always gracefully receive all that comes from Your hand, because I know You offer Your very best to me in love.