I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged! Yikes! Life has been pretty crazy, with a whole lot of upheaval and change over here. Quick update: I may finally be beginning a job as a nurse soon, one of my children started a new school, and I went on a mission trip to Jamaica (which was AWEsome!).
During all this chaos, I began to realize just how out of control my life has gotten. Yes, we're still eating regularly and paying the bills. But in general, there are a lot of aspects of my life that I've let go. So I'm slowly beginning to get things "together" again. Life as a single parent is tough. No doubt about it. I have to set some clear priorities. I have to say no to some things, like parties or extracurricular activities. I have to say yes to some things, like getting more sleep and being "all there" when I'm with my kids. I haven't mastered any of these, not nearly, but I'm on a journey to becoming the person I'd like to be.
The thing I realized which shapes these priorities the most is being fully aware of God's love and His supernatural ability to hold ME together.
I've finally gotten to a place where I feel completely adored by Jesus, and I'm pretty smitten with Him myself. When I let that love lead and guide me, I am able to be patient with myself and let Him help me get my priorities straight. Again, I'm never even close to perfect...but when I think about how much He loves me, I don't care! Each day is a new day to walk alongside Him, knowing that if I fall, He is holding on tight. He'll dust me off and we will continue on together. I'm embracing the journey. It's all the little things on the way to where we're going that make us who we are. Not the destination.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
the Lord, myself, and hope
It's been a bit since I've posted anything, and I've got some ideas bouncing around in my head...but for now, I have scattered ponderings. Here ya go!
"And the strictness of the rejection that He demands of me allows for nothing to remain in my life but my Lord, myself, and a sense of desperate hope. He says that I must let everyone else come or go, and that I must be guided solely by my relationship to Him." (Oswald Chambers)
...my Lord, myself, and hope. Let everyone else come and/or go....
Recently I've been aware of how easily I become consumed by other people's difficulties. I attempt to help them by taking on their burden, which was never really meant to be mine. In the process, I become unable to manage my own life. By not being present and participating only minimally in my own life, I give up the ability to enjoy what is happening right now. While helping others can be a good thing, like anything else, in excess it is not what's best for us.
Without anyone or anything else, who am I? I am the Lord's.
What do I enjoy? What do I need to do for me? (This is my attempt at showing up for my life) :)
I enjoy....reading lighthearted "chick lit" books, making music, funny movies, sitting/dreaming/napping in a hammock, dressing up to go out, fall weather, pumpkin patches, music/beer/movies in Market Square, playing board games that make me laugh, shaving my legs, painting/repurposing things around the house into new decorations, snuggling with my kiddos, campfires...
Things I need to do to keep my life in order....time with GOD!, pay bills on time/manage money well, keep laundry folded/put away, listen more than I speak, stay out of things that don't concern me, be trustworthy and have integrity, keep car clean and maintained, take care of house maintenance needs and ask for help when needed, REST in TRUSTING God's provision. Always! I belong to Him and am precious to Him, and He is faithful to care for my every need, usually without me even asking.
So these are my thoughts on how to work at becoming the me HE made...on being simply myself, with Him, and with a desperate sense of hope. What do you need to do to show up for your life? What do you need to do for you?
"And the strictness of the rejection that He demands of me allows for nothing to remain in my life but my Lord, myself, and a sense of desperate hope. He says that I must let everyone else come or go, and that I must be guided solely by my relationship to Him." (Oswald Chambers)
...my Lord, myself, and hope. Let everyone else come and/or go....
Recently I've been aware of how easily I become consumed by other people's difficulties. I attempt to help them by taking on their burden, which was never really meant to be mine. In the process, I become unable to manage my own life. By not being present and participating only minimally in my own life, I give up the ability to enjoy what is happening right now. While helping others can be a good thing, like anything else, in excess it is not what's best for us.
Without anyone or anything else, who am I? I am the Lord's.
What do I enjoy? What do I need to do for me? (This is my attempt at showing up for my life) :)
I enjoy....reading lighthearted "chick lit" books, making music, funny movies, sitting/dreaming/napping in a hammock, dressing up to go out, fall weather, pumpkin patches, music/beer/movies in Market Square, playing board games that make me laugh, shaving my legs, painting/repurposing things around the house into new decorations, snuggling with my kiddos, campfires...
Things I need to do to keep my life in order....time with GOD!, pay bills on time/manage money well, keep laundry folded/put away, listen more than I speak, stay out of things that don't concern me, be trustworthy and have integrity, keep car clean and maintained, take care of house maintenance needs and ask for help when needed, REST in TRUSTING God's provision. Always! I belong to Him and am precious to Him, and He is faithful to care for my every need, usually without me even asking.
So these are my thoughts on how to work at becoming the me HE made...on being simply myself, with Him, and with a desperate sense of hope. What do you need to do to show up for your life? What do you need to do for you?
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I trust YOU
Sometimes, we get caught up in emotions, and get forgetful. Have you ever been overtaken by fear? I've always been a fearful person, I'm just wired that way I guess. God has mightily defeated many of my fears, but every once in awhile something pops up, and reminds me that I'm depending on myself more than trusting in Him.
Nothing, nothing is more terrifying than the thought of (or actually) losing someone you love. I've experienced that a few times, especially when my husband died. Terror. Helplessness. The feeling completely incapacitates you. Your vision is clouded by fear. It's a scary place to be.
Tonight I was struggling with some fear...and I felt God speak to my heart with this: "are you going to carry on with this fear, or remember my track record?" So many, many times in the Bible, God does these crazy miracles to protect people from harm. Over and over He states that He is the protector, that we don't have to be afraid. He has faithfully protected me from so much, especially in the last few years. Why do I forget??
So am I gonna be afraid? Or lay my fear at His feet and trust Him? All I have to do is look at the ways He has proven His faithfulness to me and it's an easy choice. When I realize that I can't get through whatever it is on my own, that not only do I need Him, but I really NEED Him to carry me...that's when good things get started. Healing things.
I limit Him so easily. I forget that He is all powerful. Nothing, no one can ever get to me without His approval. And I am His beloved daughter. I'm special to Him. So every time that fear decides to rear it's ugly head up at me again, I'm going to throw my hands up and surrender. "I trust YOU."
Nothing, nothing is more terrifying than the thought of (or actually) losing someone you love. I've experienced that a few times, especially when my husband died. Terror. Helplessness. The feeling completely incapacitates you. Your vision is clouded by fear. It's a scary place to be.
Tonight I was struggling with some fear...and I felt God speak to my heart with this: "are you going to carry on with this fear, or remember my track record?" So many, many times in the Bible, God does these crazy miracles to protect people from harm. Over and over He states that He is the protector, that we don't have to be afraid. He has faithfully protected me from so much, especially in the last few years. Why do I forget??
So am I gonna be afraid? Or lay my fear at His feet and trust Him? All I have to do is look at the ways He has proven His faithfulness to me and it's an easy choice. When I realize that I can't get through whatever it is on my own, that not only do I need Him, but I really NEED Him to carry me...that's when good things get started. Healing things.
I limit Him so easily. I forget that He is all powerful. Nothing, no one can ever get to me without His approval. And I am His beloved daughter. I'm special to Him. So every time that fear decides to rear it's ugly head up at me again, I'm going to throw my hands up and surrender. "I trust YOU."
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Don't change settings! Fight the fear!
Every good story includes the following three parts: the setting, the crisis, and the resolution. No precarious situation continues on at a crisis level for long. There will be a peak of the craziness, and then it resolves. Until the next crisis, anyways. :)
Sometimes, though, when the crisis level hits, we often back down and change settings. We freak out. We get neurotic. We escape and avoid dealing with the conflict. I realized how refreshing the idea of changing settings is as I drove on a road trip yesterday. If life gets hard, I can just move wherever. I have no ties anywhere, really. Just me and the kids, hit the road. I could be a gypsy. :) Unfortunately, if the problem is occurring because of something in us that is broken, it will likely keep happening until you actually deal with it. Deal with whatever the issue is, do it scared, but don't back down. Accept God's healing. Allow yourself to get to the resolution. The issue may resolve the way you'd like, the way you think it will, or it may not. Maybe you'll surprise yourself.
The important thing is that you'll never grow and advance out of the same cycle of problems if you don't push through the crisis.
I love the Serenity Prayer, and appreciate it more now than ever: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
You can't change others. You can't heal them. You can't make them like you. However, you can change your actions; they are fully within your control. You can change the voices in your head and make them like you instead. (Thanks, Pink, for the inspiration there!) No one else can do it for you. Be well! Make healthy choices. Know what you want/need, what is best for you, what God is speaking to you, and go for it! Be bold, be strong, for the Lord God is with you. :)
I'm right alongside you, taking God's hand and asking for courage to take chances, to make changes in my life for the better. There's nothing impossible with Him; all bets are off. Let's do this!
Sometimes, though, when the crisis level hits, we often back down and change settings. We freak out. We get neurotic. We escape and avoid dealing with the conflict. I realized how refreshing the idea of changing settings is as I drove on a road trip yesterday. If life gets hard, I can just move wherever. I have no ties anywhere, really. Just me and the kids, hit the road. I could be a gypsy. :) Unfortunately, if the problem is occurring because of something in us that is broken, it will likely keep happening until you actually deal with it. Deal with whatever the issue is, do it scared, but don't back down. Accept God's healing. Allow yourself to get to the resolution. The issue may resolve the way you'd like, the way you think it will, or it may not. Maybe you'll surprise yourself.
The important thing is that you'll never grow and advance out of the same cycle of problems if you don't push through the crisis.
I love the Serenity Prayer, and appreciate it more now than ever: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
You can't change others. You can't heal them. You can't make them like you. However, you can change your actions; they are fully within your control. You can change the voices in your head and make them like you instead. (Thanks, Pink, for the inspiration there!) No one else can do it for you. Be well! Make healthy choices. Know what you want/need, what is best for you, what God is speaking to you, and go for it! Be bold, be strong, for the Lord God is with you. :)
I'm right alongside you, taking God's hand and asking for courage to take chances, to make changes in my life for the better. There's nothing impossible with Him; all bets are off. Let's do this!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Eyes on ME
Today was one of those days. Didn't sleep well, headache, sore neck, new medication making me feel yucky, etc. Add in stress and a tummyache and I really just wanted to check out of today, maybe skip to next week.
But I started my day with Jesus. And that made all the difference. I used to be so envious of all those perky Christians that had their quiet time every day. I'm pretty undisciplined in most areas, so that never quite worked out for me, even when I tried really, really hard. For whatever reason, I've been thriving on those times alone with Him (and my coffee) this past year. This morning was no different, a balm to my soul.
I was more prepared to handle the junk of today because of what soothed my spirit this morning: peace. HIS peace. Utmost was right on, as usual- "Are you looking unto Jesus now, in the immediate matter that is pressing and receiving from Him peace?...If you try to worry it out, you obliterate Him.."
My friend also sent me a passage about anxiety that caught my attention: "My child, when you are tired, do not be disheartened. Most of your discouragement comes when you carry your own burden, forgetting to call upon Me for help. Give Me everything..."
Confession: I'm a worrier. I struggle with anxiety to begin with, so if you throw in a few other variables, it's near impossible to keep my mind from going in circles. I worry, and fret, and it gets me nowhere. But then God reminds me who is in control.
I remembered the story in Matthew 14 when Peter gets out of the boat and walks to Jesus on the water. When my eyes are on me and the mess around me, I begin to sink, but like Peter, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk confidently on what looks completely impossible.
We used to have a thing we'd say to preschoolers when we need their attention: "1,2,3, eyes on me!" I imagined Jesus looking me in the eyes and saying that to me. "Focus!" So that was my mantra today when my mind began to stress. Eyes on ME. When I felt inferior. Eyes on ME. When I felt afraid. Eyes on ME.
Cause here's the thing: it's not that I don't struggle. Don't trust someone who tells you they never struggle with the junk in life. I just know where to go to get rid of the burden on my shoulders. And when you allow yourself to rest in His presence, lemme tell ya, it's a beautiful thing.
But I started my day with Jesus. And that made all the difference. I used to be so envious of all those perky Christians that had their quiet time every day. I'm pretty undisciplined in most areas, so that never quite worked out for me, even when I tried really, really hard. For whatever reason, I've been thriving on those times alone with Him (and my coffee) this past year. This morning was no different, a balm to my soul.
I was more prepared to handle the junk of today because of what soothed my spirit this morning: peace. HIS peace. Utmost was right on, as usual- "Are you looking unto Jesus now, in the immediate matter that is pressing and receiving from Him peace?...If you try to worry it out, you obliterate Him.."
My friend also sent me a passage about anxiety that caught my attention: "My child, when you are tired, do not be disheartened. Most of your discouragement comes when you carry your own burden, forgetting to call upon Me for help. Give Me everything..."
Confession: I'm a worrier. I struggle with anxiety to begin with, so if you throw in a few other variables, it's near impossible to keep my mind from going in circles. I worry, and fret, and it gets me nowhere. But then God reminds me who is in control.
I remembered the story in Matthew 14 when Peter gets out of the boat and walks to Jesus on the water. When my eyes are on me and the mess around me, I begin to sink, but like Peter, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk confidently on what looks completely impossible.
We used to have a thing we'd say to preschoolers when we need their attention: "1,2,3, eyes on me!" I imagined Jesus looking me in the eyes and saying that to me. "Focus!" So that was my mantra today when my mind began to stress. Eyes on ME. When I felt inferior. Eyes on ME. When I felt afraid. Eyes on ME.
Cause here's the thing: it's not that I don't struggle. Don't trust someone who tells you they never struggle with the junk in life. I just know where to go to get rid of the burden on my shoulders. And when you allow yourself to rest in His presence, lemme tell ya, it's a beautiful thing.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
What a difference 10 years makes...
On the way home, driving I-40 with the windows down, "Yellow" by Coldplay blaring...I did some reminiscing.
This same time 10 years ago I was cruising around town holding hands with the hottest guy I knew listening to that same song. A year later I became his wife. I felt like I was learning how to fly.
10 years later, I'm his widow. So mind-blowing. So much excitement and hope in that beginning. Totally innocent of what was to come. I had to learn how to fall.
In some ways, I live life differently now. More willing to do things that scare me, to take risks, to take leaps of faith. Some days I'm strong, some days I'm weak, but I've learned to be more patient with myself. I've seen how fragile and transient life is: we're never promised tomorrow. Each day truly is a gift, and a gift to be used well because once it's gone you can't reclaim it. I don't want to make it to 85 and feel like I let my life slip by, I want to live presently each day.
Although my outlook is a little different, I still have remnants of that innocence and hope inside what I fondly call "my little girl heart." I don't want to live with the fear of losing other loved ones. I want to have hope for each new day. I choose optimism. You may say I'm not realistic: I'm just choosing to hope, even if things look a little bleak.
The marvelous thing that hit me this morning is that God works ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Everything. It did not say, God works everything except that stupid thing you did when you called ______ a ______. Or everything except that time you lied to your boss. Or when tragic, hurtful, awful things happen...He works those for our good!!!
But...but...don't I have to do something? I mean, surely that's too good to be true. I've done lots of dumb stuff, I've been heartbroken, I've hurt others, and really? ALL those things He is gonna work out in my favor???
It just doesn't make sense. But HE is GOD. He's so far above us we'll never understand it. How does He work everything for my good? I have no clue. What I do know is that He chose me before I chose Him, and when I bound my hand to His He promised He'd never let go. And He keeps His promises.
So let's live each day knowing how precious it is! No matter what is going on in your life, remember HE is working everything out in your favor. The story doesn't end here. We're learning to fly.
This same time 10 years ago I was cruising around town holding hands with the hottest guy I knew listening to that same song. A year later I became his wife. I felt like I was learning how to fly.
10 years later, I'm his widow. So mind-blowing. So much excitement and hope in that beginning. Totally innocent of what was to come. I had to learn how to fall.
In some ways, I live life differently now. More willing to do things that scare me, to take risks, to take leaps of faith. Some days I'm strong, some days I'm weak, but I've learned to be more patient with myself. I've seen how fragile and transient life is: we're never promised tomorrow. Each day truly is a gift, and a gift to be used well because once it's gone you can't reclaim it. I don't want to make it to 85 and feel like I let my life slip by, I want to live presently each day.
Although my outlook is a little different, I still have remnants of that innocence and hope inside what I fondly call "my little girl heart." I don't want to live with the fear of losing other loved ones. I want to have hope for each new day. I choose optimism. You may say I'm not realistic: I'm just choosing to hope, even if things look a little bleak.
The marvelous thing that hit me this morning is that God works ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Everything. It did not say, God works everything except that stupid thing you did when you called ______ a ______. Or everything except that time you lied to your boss. Or when tragic, hurtful, awful things happen...He works those for our good!!!
But...but...don't I have to do something? I mean, surely that's too good to be true. I've done lots of dumb stuff, I've been heartbroken, I've hurt others, and really? ALL those things He is gonna work out in my favor???
It just doesn't make sense. But HE is GOD. He's so far above us we'll never understand it. How does He work everything for my good? I have no clue. What I do know is that He chose me before I chose Him, and when I bound my hand to His He promised He'd never let go. And He keeps His promises.
So let's live each day knowing how precious it is! No matter what is going on in your life, remember HE is working everything out in your favor. The story doesn't end here. We're learning to fly.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Finding rest in the craziness of life...
Life feels like a never ending cycle of ups and downs. It usually levels out to be boring in between those times, but it can be so hard to keep our wits about us when things get crazy. I'm such an emotionally driven person that it feels extra difficult to live in peace despite circumstances.
This morning I was reading "My Utmost" and it was perfect for dealing with the emotional upheaval of life. When the life we live in Him is attacked from the outside, it's easy to get caught up in a wrestling match in our heads. Internalized thinking, chewing, getting stuck on something over and over. But all that yuck has a solution: anything that disturbs our rest in Him can be cured by Him.
Matthew 11:28 is such a simple, beautiful passage from Jesus. NASB says it like this: "Come to me, all who are weary, and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." I also love the Message version: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest."
Things come along and occupy our minds, our hearts, our time. We quickly become separated from Him, bit by bit. It's impossible to react well to situations when I'm not close to Him. The things that overwhelm me and keep me from true rest and peace aren't taken care of by ignoring them. Spending time with Him and abiding in Him are the answers to finding REST and PEACE.
"Beware of anything that is going to split up your oneness with Him and make you see yourself separately." O. Chambers. Nothing can separate us from His love!
This was so refreshing to me, and necessary to remember. When things are getting crazy, get alone with Him. Ask Him for rest! The kind only He can give. You will still have to deal with whatever problem is going on, but you won't be going round and round in your head trying to find a solution. Let's let Him take the burden and give us rest. After all, He's the boss in the life recovery business. :)
This morning I was reading "My Utmost" and it was perfect for dealing with the emotional upheaval of life. When the life we live in Him is attacked from the outside, it's easy to get caught up in a wrestling match in our heads. Internalized thinking, chewing, getting stuck on something over and over. But all that yuck has a solution: anything that disturbs our rest in Him can be cured by Him.
Matthew 11:28 is such a simple, beautiful passage from Jesus. NASB says it like this: "Come to me, all who are weary, and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." I also love the Message version: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest."
Things come along and occupy our minds, our hearts, our time. We quickly become separated from Him, bit by bit. It's impossible to react well to situations when I'm not close to Him. The things that overwhelm me and keep me from true rest and peace aren't taken care of by ignoring them. Spending time with Him and abiding in Him are the answers to finding REST and PEACE.
"Beware of anything that is going to split up your oneness with Him and make you see yourself separately." O. Chambers. Nothing can separate us from His love!
This was so refreshing to me, and necessary to remember. When things are getting crazy, get alone with Him. Ask Him for rest! The kind only He can give. You will still have to deal with whatever problem is going on, but you won't be going round and round in your head trying to find a solution. Let's let Him take the burden and give us rest. After all, He's the boss in the life recovery business. :)
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