I. AM. HIS.

This morning at Knoxlife Pastor Sean talked about how we sometimes use religion as a sort of gauge of how well we are pleasing God. Those weren't his exact words: that's my summary.

When we're following the rules, we're super pleasing to God. But when we break them we fall out of His favor. He is upset/disappointed and we must repent or do SOMETHING to get back on His good side. Sometimes we aren't even aware of how the rules of religion affect us until we mess up (which is probably really often!)

The law is tangible. It makes sense to our tiny human minds. It's something that we feel comfortable with because we understand it.

But God and His kingdom are far, far beyond our comprehension. When Jesus came and died it became possible to live that free kingdom life NOW. He fulfilled the law. Now we can rest in His arms without striving for His approval. Yet....we forget that last part. Or we feel like it's too good to be true.

Ultimately I just had a really rough morning. (I believe equal parts of PMS and satan are to blame). I felt like a giant super sinner that continues to make stupid choices. An idiot. Feeling that I'm not pleasing to God at the moment. Not sure how to even fix it. But just kept feeling this voice say "you can do better. you can BE better."

UGH.

So tonight I continue trying to process what happened at church. Trying to understand what in the world caused that hot mess. And this thought came to mind. God: "Do you think I see you any differently now than a year ago?"(At which point I had to try really hard to even think about where I was a year ago!) But seriously- whether I feel close, or far; whether I'm being Jenny super Christian or just a worn out mom yelling at her kids...

...has anything that I've done recently made God see me any differently than He did a year ago?

Two years ago? The circumstances in my life change daily, and so does my behavior (both good and bad) - and my mindset. BUT GOD DOES NOT. He is unchanging. His LOVE is unchanging. He sees me and loves me the same day in and day out. Regardless of anything I have or have not done. Regardless of my emotions. Regardless even of whether or not I believe it and accept it- His love is constant.

I will probably never be able to grasp that this side of heaven. Grace. It's free, unearned, unexplainable. Not only have I been pardoned...but I have been pardoned with LOVE. I am wanted, cherished, value, and worthy. I am HIS. I've gotta stay close by His side so I can shout that back at the voices of doubt and condemnation that drain me. I. AM. HIS. And He said "It is finished."

Enjoy life!

At church this past Sunday, we watched a video clip of 'Christian-ese.' You know what I'm talking about, the lingo Christians use so very often. I laughed hard because I've said half the things in that short clip! "...hold me accountable...small group...guard your heart...secular music...intense fellowship"

When I was doing my "quiet time" yesterday this Christian-ese phrase gave me pause: "be in the world, not of the world." Now, I know what you're saying: but it's Biblical. And I know there is a very valid point behind the words that were said. But here's the thing: followers of Jesus follow Jesus. Our role here is to imitate Him. 

And before you say I'm "going down a bad path" or I "need someone to hold me accountable", let's dig through this together.

Jesus walked, talked, ate, and drank with sinners- everyday people like you and I. "He was so much in the ordinary world that the religious people of His day called Him a glutton..." (Oswald Chambers). He didn't cut himself off from everyone. He wasn't reclusive. He interacted with whomever was in His path. But internally, inwardly, he was constantly in another world. His primary focus was on the relationship between Himself and His Father. Nothing got between Him and His Dad.

We should never allow anything to come between us and the source of our "muchness" (thank you Alice in Wonderland for that word...). The problem we run into, I believe, is when we feel that to maintain that internal relationship, we must externally avoid everything else. We hide in our comfortable Christian circles, events, groups, etc. We isolate. We exclude. We lose valuable opportunities to share the joy of our Lord. 

And while I do agree we shouldn't deliberately place ourselves in situations where we will be tempted to lose our focus on Christ, I think we're missing the freedom of simply living. We lose the fullness of life by restricting ourselves and trying SO hard to be holy! When we go moment to moment fully dependent on God to direct each step, abiding in Him; when we dare to let go and enjoy our short time here, we can become a part of a community where He is the center. 

We can enjoy this life, this Earth. It was created by Him and called good! "In, not of" doesn't mean hide in a hut until He returns. I believe we can follow His example and enjoy the blessings He's given us while we're here. 

Let your spirit be open to His leading. His correction, His guidance, and also opening yourself up to accepting the blessings He gives. To follow Him even into a place that seems outside your comfort zone. We can learn to maintain a close relationship with Him internally without becoming fearful and reclusive. 

As for me? I want to be a girl of another world who actually participates in this one. What are your thoughts?

I'm thankful for a possibility of a possibility...

Today we sit back and reflect on what it means to be thankful, and what we are thankful for. Some years it's harder than others to find that "silver lining." We all go through tough times. But I'm feeling richly blessed right now.

This year I have quite a bit to be thankful for. 
*I have the love, forgiveness, and patience of an amazing God who never quits on me and is always working out good things for me.
*I have a family that loves each other, with enough dysfunction to keep it interesting.
*I have two amazing kiddos that remind me each day of how awesome and creative God is!
*I have plenty of food and water, and the knowledge to cook/bake to make said food yummy.
*I have a community of friends that walk alongside me, encourage me, and make me laugh. Their support is priceless.
*I have a home, with water, electricity, and plumbing. It's cozy and warm and it's affordable.
*I (almost) have a job that will challenge me to grow and allow me to care for people.
*I can read, sing, and dance. And I can laugh at myself when I dance.
*I have a closet full of clothes and shoes.

I need nothing, He has supplied all my needs. It's true!

And there just happens to be something else that is causing me to give thanks to the Lord. Something that wasn't anticipated. Have you ever been so surprised by something unplanned that it takes you a bit to figure out exactly what's happening? Maybe that's just me...but I digress.

Nearly three years ago, I lost a husband. I was pretty insistent that I would never date/marry again. There was talks of becoming a nun. The pain was absolutely and completely horrible; why on Earth would I ever place myself in a position to go through that again?!?!

Then over the course of this past year, God began to thaw out my heart. It was a slow process, sometimes painful, but He began to put little suggestions in my heart, creating a place for a possibility to grow again. He asked for my trust, not in another man, but in what comes from His hand, and I gave it. (Not without digging my heels in a little bit.)

God slowly turned a friendship into something more, only somewhat surprising me :) and definitely surprising the beaux. This morning during my quiet time, I recognized that I still had some lingering fears.

And He asked me again to simply trust Him. To accept the blessing. (Knoxlifers- receive the biscuits!!) When God gives us a gift, why does it seem so hard to accept it? We're so afraid, so tentative, wanting to avoid anything that could cause pain. Yes, being vulnerable to Him, to love, can mean that we may be hurt someday. Regardless, protecting myself from any possible pain denies Him the one thing He requests: my heart. He wants my trust. To believe that He will give me what I need, and what is best for me, and that I can let go of my fears and fall into His arms of love.

I can trust Him. He is God, my Abba, and He adores me. He gives me good things. Regardless of the outcome, for now He is growing me through this new development with my handsome friend (Who also happens to be a great kisser. Just saying. )

Fall into HIM today. His love is strong. He deserves our whole hearts, and our trust.

Receiving gracefully

My intent in writing this blog has always been to share my journey and love for God with readers. I use the word journey specifically because I am learning (slowly) to embrace the process of growth...and not just long for the end point when I'm "complete." I hope it gives you a chuckle from time to time, and that maybe, just maybe, you can relate.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. I have to say, I've missed it. I've missed communicating the craziness that happens in my life, I've missed your responses, and I've missed the filling up and pouring out of Jesus through this blog.

What I've been taught over the last few days is the beauty of receiving. For some of us, receiving things, whether it be gifts, compliments, or help, comes very naturally. For some people it's quite a struggle. I fall in between those two extremes somewhere: until you get to the receiving of God's grace. That one I really fight sometimes.

WHY?

Why is it often so simple to accept a gift from a friend, or help with house repairs, and yet the most beautiful, free, un-earnable gift is so difficult to accept?

One of the things I love most about Jesus, and find most perplexing, is that nothing is ever forced. Every thing He ever does is offered. Placed before us. We are always given the choice. Even the rich young ruler in Matthew 19:16. He asked Jesus- "What am I still lacking?" and Jesus gave him the answer: "sell your possessions...and come, follow me." This part gets me, though- the man went away grieving, likely because he didn't feel he could do that, and JESUS LET HIM.

How many of us could do that? How many of us could offer a priceless gift that we knew would really help someone more than anything else, and let them refuse it and walk away? That is exactly what He does.

I have been RIDICULOUSLY stressed lately: feeling the burden of my daily chores, of life. Feeling like I'm climbing a muddy hill and I keep sliding backwards- all my efforts seem in vain. Burdened, exhausted, and getting nowhere.

I realized my heart attitude was rotten. When I spent time worshipping God, and letting Him fill my heart with joy and change the lens with which I saw my chores, I was able to literally feel the weight lift. I felt peace. I realized that I can choose to do all things unto the Lord (Colossians 3). OR I can choose to keep my negative, burdened, overwhelmed attitude. He offers peace. I can choose to receive it. YES PLEASE!! I receive the joy of being your child. I receive Your peace.

John 1:12 says to all who received Him....He gave the right to become children of God.

He'll never force His way. He's too much of a gentleman for that. Instead, Jesus will offer us Himself...and all the gifts that come from abiding with Him. The choice to receive is always up to us.

Lord, please help me to always gracefully receive all that comes from Your hand, because I know You offer Your very best to me in love.

Getting my priorities straight

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged! Yikes! Life has been pretty crazy, with a whole lot of upheaval and change over here. Quick update: I may finally be beginning a job as a nurse soon, one of my children started a new school, and I went on a mission trip to Jamaica (which was AWEsome!).

During all this chaos, I began to realize just how out of control my life has gotten. Yes, we're still eating regularly and paying the bills. But in general, there are a lot of aspects of my life that I've let go. So I'm slowly beginning to get things "together" again. Life as a single parent is tough. No doubt about it. I have to set some clear priorities. I have to say no to some things, like parties or extracurricular activities. I have to say yes to some things, like getting more sleep and being "all there" when I'm with my kids. I haven't mastered any of these, not nearly, but I'm on a journey to becoming the person I'd like to be.

The thing I realized which shapes these priorities the most is being fully aware of God's love and His supernatural ability to hold ME together.

I've finally gotten to a place where I feel completely adored by Jesus, and I'm pretty smitten with Him myself. When I let that love lead and guide me, I am able to be patient with myself and let Him help me get my priorities straight. Again, I'm never even close to perfect...but when I think about how much He loves me, I don't care! Each day is a new day to walk alongside Him, knowing that if I fall, He is holding on tight. He'll dust me off and we will continue on together. I'm embracing the journey. It's all the little things on the way to where we're going that make us who we are. Not the destination.

the Lord, myself, and hope

It's been a bit since I've posted anything, and I've got some ideas bouncing around in my head...but for now, I have scattered ponderings. Here ya go!

"And the strictness of the rejection that He demands of me allows for nothing to remain in my life but my Lord, myself, and a sense of desperate hope. He says that I must let everyone else come or go, and that I must be guided solely by my relationship to Him." (Oswald Chambers)

...my Lord, myself, and hope. Let everyone else come and/or go....

Recently I've been aware of how easily I become consumed by other people's difficulties. I attempt to help them by taking on their burden, which was never really meant to be mine. In the process, I become unable to manage my own life. By not being present and participating only minimally in my own life, I give up the ability to enjoy what is happening right now. While helping others can be a good thing, like anything else, in excess it is not what's best for us.

Without anyone or anything else, who am I? I am the Lord's.
What do I enjoy? What do I need to do for me? (This is my attempt at showing up for my life)  :)

I enjoy....reading lighthearted "chick lit" books, making music, funny movies, sitting/dreaming/napping in a hammock, dressing up to go out, fall weather, pumpkin patches, music/beer/movies in Market Square, playing board games that make me laugh, shaving my legs, painting/repurposing things around the house into new decorations, snuggling with my kiddos, campfires...

Things I need to do to keep my life in order....time with GOD!, pay bills on time/manage money well, keep laundry folded/put away, listen more than I speak, stay out of things that don't concern me, be trustworthy and have integrity, keep car clean and maintained, take care of house maintenance needs and ask for help when needed, REST in TRUSTING God's provision. Always! I belong to Him and am precious to Him, and He is faithful to care for my every need, usually without me even asking.

So these are my thoughts on how to work at becoming the me HE made...on being simply myself, with Him, and with a desperate sense of hope. What do you need to do to show up for your life? What do you need to do for you?

I trust YOU

Sometimes, we get caught up in emotions, and get forgetful. Have you ever been overtaken by fear? I've always been a fearful person, I'm just wired that way I guess. God has mightily defeated many of my fears, but every once in awhile something pops up, and reminds me that I'm depending on myself more than trusting in Him.

Nothing, nothing is more terrifying than the thought of (or actually) losing someone you love. I've experienced that a few times, especially when my husband died. Terror. Helplessness. The feeling completely incapacitates you. Your vision is clouded by fear. It's a scary place to be.

Tonight I was struggling with some fear...and I felt God speak to my heart with this: "are you going to carry on with this fear, or remember my track record?" So many, many times in the Bible, God does these crazy miracles to protect people from harm. Over and over He states that He is the protector, that we don't have to be afraid. He has faithfully protected me from so much, especially in the last few years. Why do I forget??

So am I gonna be afraid? Or lay my fear at His feet and trust Him? All I have to do is look at the ways He has proven His faithfulness to me and it's an easy choice. When I realize that I can't get through whatever it is on my own, that not only do I need Him, but I really NEED Him to carry me...that's when good things get started. Healing things.

I limit Him so easily. I forget that He is all powerful. Nothing, no one can ever get to me without His approval. And I am His beloved daughter. I'm special to Him. So every time that fear decides to rear it's ugly head up at me again, I'm going to throw my hands up and surrender. "I trust YOU."