You were made to be loved

You. Guys. It's been three years since I wrote a thing! Where did the time go? I'm finding the older I become, the faster time moves. It's truly a phenomenon.

I'll be honest. I miss writing.

The way I can have so many various thoughts and feelings bounce around in my head, causing chaos, and then try to funnel them into a conscious, understandable piece of writing through my fingers and into the computer, connecting me to people all over the world.

I miss sharing that with all of you. I enjoy working all the chaos out as I type, and it's not unlike an adventure. So long as you can bear along with me, I enjoy taking you all on the adventure as well. At the current moment, I have only one memory, one spoken sentence running through my head. But I believe, dear friends, that it is the very best place to start.

"You were made to be loved."

I've been a nurse now for 5 years. Some parts of that have been easy, and many have been hard, but I've had the opportunity to meet hundreds of people I never would have otherwise. I've met people both young and old, confident and scared, some were crying, some confused and some very angry; they've all left a mark in one way or another. One gentleman in particular, older and with a thick foreign accent, held my hand between both of his wrinkled ones, and stated the above sentence: "You were made to be loved."

What does one reply to that?! "Sure?"  "I appreciate that?"  "My mom agrees?"

I remember at the time feeling completely awkward, and I think I said thank you, smiled and went on with my duties. Years later though, and that comment still buzzes around in my brain. I still ponder over it, toss it around like a tennis ball, trying to distinguish the meaning, the shape, the tenor of it. As an adult who most often feels quite underserving of love, who still after all these years is usually unable to accept grace, the sentence seems as foreign as it's deliverer.

But when I imagine myself as hours old in my mother's arms in the picture snapped after my delivery, I can see a little clearer. I can believe that the person God created and put together with care was indeed made to be loved. There was no massive flaw, no error made in the design. That individual was acceptable and perhaps extraordinary, and was worth loving.

But as I grew older, the world chipped away at that marvelous, lovable creation. It told me I was not extraordinary, that I was less-than. That I was made to love others and desperately crave love I would never receive. But despite anyone or anything that would make me believe the contrary, I was ALWAYS LOVED. By the one who made me.

So, indeed, I was made to be loved. And so were all of you. YOU were made to be loved.

Let that sentence roll around in your mind for awhile. Stew on it. Do you accept it? Do you believe it? One of the greatest challenges is to recognize the innocent babies we once were and who we are today as the same people, and that both were made to be loved, both are deserving of love. Despite the poor decisions we've made, sins we've fostered, crimes we've committed, the selfishness, the bad attitudes: we were made to be loved.

Whether we believe and accept it or not, the good news is that it's still true. But the great news is that if we can allow it to sink in and become our truth, it will transform our lives. For me, I pray this is the year I let it become my truth. How about you?

Finding your breadcrumbs

Over the past year, I felt I had gotten lost.  So many changes happening quickly: events, traveling, home repairs, parenting challenges. I started my first nursing job 2 years ago this month.  And though I enjoy being a nurse, if I'm not careful it quietly sucks the life out of me. I got married in June of this year, which is a praise but also a HUGE change. Consequently, I had the opportunity to learn how to be a parent to another child. It's been CRAZY up in here. As a coping mechanism, I became numb, absorbed into my life, like a sponge soaks up water. I wasn't present. I wasn't experiencing life, I was just watching it like a movie. So a few months ago I held my hands up and said "WHOA!" I had to take a step back and re-evaluate what was happening...because I was experiencing super duper burn out, and some pretty heavy depression.

 I began the hard job of introspection.  Remembering what I liked...what gave me life and energy, what made me laugh, what made me cry. I started trying to do something physically active every day off work- yoga, walking, just something. I tried to spend at least a few minutes in prayer- reading, singing, trying to hear God. Being still, being present.

Every once in awhile, I find something, like a note I've written in my bible, or a song, and I'll think...this is significant. This is a breadcrumb I've dropped on my journey, and in finding it I begin to grasp where I am going. Who I am.

Does anyone ever get lost on purpose? I don't believe we do. It happens slowly, one turn here, another there. Allowing others to make decisions for us. Distractions from the enemy. Eventually, we begin to recognize we aren't in a place we like. It's scary, foreign, and not where we want to be. And by the power of God we are able to turn around. The courage to turn around and rebuild ourselves is tough...yet I believe the toughest part is finding our way back. How can we begin? We look for the breadcrumbs to find our way back. One, by one, they come slowly. But they help us rebuild who we were, who we still are deep down, and who we want to be. They help us find our way HOME.

If you're feeling stuck...lost...in the entangling grip of depression and apathy- put on your shoes and go for a walk. Fresh air helps, people. I promise. Then sit and be still- and let God show you a breadcrumb. Let him help you find the clues to get back to a safe place. It is a tough journey...but you are never alone. True story.

**To all my friends who are my breadcrumbs- that remind me who I am when I can't remember, that speak God's truth over me...you are invaluable to me. I love you.

I Am Edmund

Winter is wreaking havoc on us this year. I am thankful for some snow days (snow week!), but to be perfectly honest, this cold just ain't my style.

In the interest of enjoying our wintery down time, we watched Narnia as a family this weekend. Though I detested reading and journaling on the series of books in 4th grade, I really like the movies. :) The movie just brings everything to life and I am captivated!

While watching it, I said to no one in particular, "Ugh, Edmund is the worst. I can't stand him! So selfish and foolish and easily bought. And that annoying little smirk on his face. Sigh." So then my intelligent boyfriend begins to explain that Edmund represents this or that in the story (Judas, I think he said), etc..

I know. I know. Still don't like him. My response really should've been a sign to me. But I digress.

This morning I'm sitting here, thinking about all of us trapped in sins we can't seem to get free of. Thinking about what grace looks like when our hands are stained, when we've been found guilty the 7th, 8th, 20th time. Is God just a big pushover to forgive us every time? Then Aslan and Edmund and Narnia popped in my head. (Thank you, Lord, for using Disney movies to slap me upside the head. Seriously.)

I pictured Edmund's face when he realized that he was caught in betrayal over "sweeties", that death itself was the consequence. He could not make any excuses- he was stuck, ashamed and embarrassed. I remembered the look on Aslan's face when he regarded Edmund: no anger or condescension to be found. He came out of the tent after debating with the white witch and his expression showed love, sadness, and resolution.

He didn't scold Edmund. He didn't correct him. They both were well aware of what had been done, of who had done the betraying, and what the cost was. Yet without any hesitation, the deal was struck to trade a spotless life for his. For EDMUND! For the snarky little boy I don't like who gave up his whole family AND the mighty lion Aslan for Turkish Delight! Seems a little extra generous when you look at it that way. However, the boyfriend is correct- C.S. Lewis intends the story to symbolize a greater one.

How many times have I sinned and been declared guilty by the accuser in front of the throne of God? How many times have I been seduced by cookies and gotten a tummy ache? How often has satan had the right to bind me and throw me in the pit, based on the law of sin and death? Perhaps that is why Edmund gets under my skin so much- he and I, we're the same. I want him to be better, to do better, to not be so stupid! These are things I think to myself as well when I choose poorly.

Yet when I come before my Lord, God/Jesus/Aslan regards me...I'm found fully guilty, completely ashamed of messing up again, without an excuse, unable to blame another...and his face is full of love, sadness, and resolution. He beholds the state I'm in and roars "it is FINISHED!" Let us rejoice.

John 3:17 "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but the the world might be saved through Him."

Accepting the struggle

 I love this verse! "For this is like the days of Noah to Me, When I swore that the waters of Noah would not flood the earth again; so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you nor will I rebuke you. For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but my lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and my covenant of peace will not be shaken," says the Lord who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:9-10. 

In the immediate year or so after Mike's death, I experienced a "honeymoon" period with God. He was all I had, and my relationship with Him became real and vibrant and life-giving at a time when I was heartbroken. 

This was HUGE for me, because it was the relationship with Jesus I had always wanted and tried to have. The kind that I thought we were all supposed to have. I felt like I finally was where I was supposed to be, spiritually speaking. I was being nurtured in a lush garden of grace. 

But (and you knew there was a but, didn't you?)... eventually I had to leave that place. I didn't want to. Who wants to leave paradise? Who wants to walk away from that? Not me!  God, however, decided it was time for me to walk down the mountain and back into the wilderness. The dry, desert time. When  everything seems harder. I know He is still there, but I just don't feel it. I still try to have devotional time every day...but the feel of His breath on my face is gone. 

The old me, the "religious me" that refuses to accept grace thinks it's my fault. I got a job. I got a boyfriend. I became too busy. I've pushed the Lord to the side. I, I, I. Catch the trend? When things were good between Jesus and I in that "lush garden of grace",  I felt like I walked in there, and it was my responsibility to stay there there. 

Here's the thing: while we do have times we push the Lord to the side...it's not really all about us. Is He not able to take us through both the lush jungles and dry deserts? Does His love wane when we become busy? Can He not draw us tenderly back time and time again? Isn't HE the one in charge here? 

He drew me near to His heart and carried me through the hardest experience in my life thus far. Life is made of seasons, though. That season was not intended to be a forever time...but to fill me and send me into the valley to minister to others. It became clear to me that I wasn't leaving room in my journey to accept the struggle. I want to be perfect, especially in my relationship with Christ. But I am His child, the responder to the relationship HE initiated.

Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's dry and crunchy. Sometimes I feel nothing. But I know. I KNOW: I still love Jesus, with all my heart. And isn't that what He really wants, anyways? Do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him (Micah 6:8). The Message version says it this way: don't take yourself too seriously, take God seriously. 

Let's not take ourselves so seriously, eh? The verse at the top reminds me that He kindly loves us and Has compassion on us. He died for us when we were still sinners! WE can accept our struggles, because HE accepts our struggles!! Accept the dry and crunchy and keep walking forward to the next season. Who knows what He has around the bend?? 

soul restoration

Dec. 10, 2012: I begin work for the first time as a registered nurse.

January 2013: Although I'm enjoying working, I'm exhausted! This job is stressful! So much to be responsible for and I'm figuring out most of it as I go. How am I supposed to work full time and still sleep? See my kids? Have time with Jesus? I mean...seriously. I'm wearing myself out.

February 2013: I begin working night shift. Welcome to a whole new level of exhaustion and stress, baby!  Although I feel certain I'm walking in the plans God has for me...what was He thinking?!?!

Feb. 23, 2013: A much needed weekend getaway to Grandma's, in which I am able to sleep uninterrupted for 10 hours!! God bless my grandparents! The kids go swimming and I have a break. Time to shop? :) ... Yet I feel the Lord trying to get my attention.

SO, I grab a cup of coffee from McDonald's and take my weary body down to sit by a noisy little brook on the local college campus. In a swing.

The swing was completely soaked, so I had to sit on a blanket. I must've looked so out of place, wrapped in a blankie on a swing in the middle of this rainy day. But I didn't care...because I realized sitting quietly by rushing water is my new most favorite thing in the world.

And after being there for 5 minutes, I realized I made the right choice. I felt His presence again. It was like breathing after being underwater too long. Or a glass of water when you're completely parched.

If you've never felt that way...I know it sounds insane. I never understood the whole "as the deer pants for the water" thing either. But I experienced it that day.

I was completely and totally depleted: physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had nothing to offer anyone and was quickly becoming depressed. I missed Him. I missed our morning quiet moments together before I started to work. I missed the way when I meet with Him each day I remember who I am.

See, I had been starting to slip back into that whole "religious" mindset, of trying to earn grace, hating myself, and feeling like a disappointment to my Abba.

And honestly! Imagine, a disappointment to Him. He set that one right straightaway. "I MADE YOU. From the time I knit you together with every detail planned, until now; in every moment you've hid your face in shame, I have loved you. You have never disappointed me. I know you cannot understand unconditional love through your conditional human eyes. But trust me. My Word is true, and nothing can separate you from my love."

At that point I was a soggy mess. But I felt like I could breathe again. We begin to "talk" about the blessings He's brought into my life lately. I was able to feel happiness again, have thankfulness; to give praise.

As I looked at the water I thought of that beautiful Psalm: "He leads me beside still waters...He restores my soul."

True. Completely true. My soul was brought back that day, from close to flatlining to normal sinus rhythm (yep...cardiac nurse now!). We so easily slip into the grind of each day, and without that time with Him to refresh we become apathetic, bitter, resentful and exhausted. Because we weren't meant to go it alone! It's easy to become distracted and forget. I quite honestly can't imagine how I'm gonna do those quiet times on my 5am wake-up days...but I have been reminded that they aren't really suggested as much as vital to our ability to live the full kingdom life now. And I want to feel that life now, rather than get all dried up and crabby again. How about you?

I. AM. HIS.

This morning at Knoxlife Pastor Sean talked about how we sometimes use religion as a sort of gauge of how well we are pleasing God. Those weren't his exact words: that's my summary.

When we're following the rules, we're super pleasing to God. But when we break them we fall out of His favor. He is upset/disappointed and we must repent or do SOMETHING to get back on His good side. Sometimes we aren't even aware of how the rules of religion affect us until we mess up (which is probably really often!)

The law is tangible. It makes sense to our tiny human minds. It's something that we feel comfortable with because we understand it.

But God and His kingdom are far, far beyond our comprehension. When Jesus came and died it became possible to live that free kingdom life NOW. He fulfilled the law. Now we can rest in His arms without striving for His approval. Yet....we forget that last part. Or we feel like it's too good to be true.

Ultimately I just had a really rough morning. (I believe equal parts of PMS and satan are to blame). I felt like a giant super sinner that continues to make stupid choices. An idiot. Feeling that I'm not pleasing to God at the moment. Not sure how to even fix it. But just kept feeling this voice say "you can do better. you can BE better."

UGH.

So tonight I continue trying to process what happened at church. Trying to understand what in the world caused that hot mess. And this thought came to mind. God: "Do you think I see you any differently now than a year ago?"(At which point I had to try really hard to even think about where I was a year ago!) But seriously- whether I feel close, or far; whether I'm being Jenny super Christian or just a worn out mom yelling at her kids...

...has anything that I've done recently made God see me any differently than He did a year ago?

Two years ago? The circumstances in my life change daily, and so does my behavior (both good and bad) - and my mindset. BUT GOD DOES NOT. He is unchanging. His LOVE is unchanging. He sees me and loves me the same day in and day out. Regardless of anything I have or have not done. Regardless of my emotions. Regardless even of whether or not I believe it and accept it- His love is constant.

I will probably never be able to grasp that this side of heaven. Grace. It's free, unearned, unexplainable. Not only have I been pardoned...but I have been pardoned with LOVE. I am wanted, cherished, value, and worthy. I am HIS. I've gotta stay close by His side so I can shout that back at the voices of doubt and condemnation that drain me. I. AM. HIS. And He said "It is finished."

Enjoy life!

At church this past Sunday, we watched a video clip of 'Christian-ese.' You know what I'm talking about, the lingo Christians use so very often. I laughed hard because I've said half the things in that short clip! "...hold me accountable...small group...guard your heart...secular music...intense fellowship"

When I was doing my "quiet time" yesterday this Christian-ese phrase gave me pause: "be in the world, not of the world." Now, I know what you're saying: but it's Biblical. And I know there is a very valid point behind the words that were said. But here's the thing: followers of Jesus follow Jesus. Our role here is to imitate Him. 

And before you say I'm "going down a bad path" or I "need someone to hold me accountable", let's dig through this together.

Jesus walked, talked, ate, and drank with sinners- everyday people like you and I. "He was so much in the ordinary world that the religious people of His day called Him a glutton..." (Oswald Chambers). He didn't cut himself off from everyone. He wasn't reclusive. He interacted with whomever was in His path. But internally, inwardly, he was constantly in another world. His primary focus was on the relationship between Himself and His Father. Nothing got between Him and His Dad.

We should never allow anything to come between us and the source of our "muchness" (thank you Alice in Wonderland for that word...). The problem we run into, I believe, is when we feel that to maintain that internal relationship, we must externally avoid everything else. We hide in our comfortable Christian circles, events, groups, etc. We isolate. We exclude. We lose valuable opportunities to share the joy of our Lord. 

And while I do agree we shouldn't deliberately place ourselves in situations where we will be tempted to lose our focus on Christ, I think we're missing the freedom of simply living. We lose the fullness of life by restricting ourselves and trying SO hard to be holy! When we go moment to moment fully dependent on God to direct each step, abiding in Him; when we dare to let go and enjoy our short time here, we can become a part of a community where He is the center. 

We can enjoy this life, this Earth. It was created by Him and called good! "In, not of" doesn't mean hide in a hut until He returns. I believe we can follow His example and enjoy the blessings He's given us while we're here. 

Let your spirit be open to His leading. His correction, His guidance, and also opening yourself up to accepting the blessings He gives. To follow Him even into a place that seems outside your comfort zone. We can learn to maintain a close relationship with Him internally without becoming fearful and reclusive. 

As for me? I want to be a girl of another world who actually participates in this one. What are your thoughts?

I'm thankful for a possibility of a possibility...

Today we sit back and reflect on what it means to be thankful, and what we are thankful for. Some years it's harder than others to find that "silver lining." We all go through tough times. But I'm feeling richly blessed right now.

This year I have quite a bit to be thankful for. 
*I have the love, forgiveness, and patience of an amazing God who never quits on me and is always working out good things for me.
*I have a family that loves each other, with enough dysfunction to keep it interesting.
*I have two amazing kiddos that remind me each day of how awesome and creative God is!
*I have plenty of food and water, and the knowledge to cook/bake to make said food yummy.
*I have a community of friends that walk alongside me, encourage me, and make me laugh. Their support is priceless.
*I have a home, with water, electricity, and plumbing. It's cozy and warm and it's affordable.
*I (almost) have a job that will challenge me to grow and allow me to care for people.
*I can read, sing, and dance. And I can laugh at myself when I dance.
*I have a closet full of clothes and shoes.

I need nothing, He has supplied all my needs. It's true!

And there just happens to be something else that is causing me to give thanks to the Lord. Something that wasn't anticipated. Have you ever been so surprised by something unplanned that it takes you a bit to figure out exactly what's happening? Maybe that's just me...but I digress.

Nearly three years ago, I lost a husband. I was pretty insistent that I would never date/marry again. There was talks of becoming a nun. The pain was absolutely and completely horrible; why on Earth would I ever place myself in a position to go through that again?!?!

Then over the course of this past year, God began to thaw out my heart. It was a slow process, sometimes painful, but He began to put little suggestions in my heart, creating a place for a possibility to grow again. He asked for my trust, not in another man, but in what comes from His hand, and I gave it. (Not without digging my heels in a little bit.)

God slowly turned a friendship into something more, only somewhat surprising me :) and definitely surprising the beaux. This morning during my quiet time, I recognized that I still had some lingering fears.

And He asked me again to simply trust Him. To accept the blessing. (Knoxlifers- receive the biscuits!!) When God gives us a gift, why does it seem so hard to accept it? We're so afraid, so tentative, wanting to avoid anything that could cause pain. Yes, being vulnerable to Him, to love, can mean that we may be hurt someday. Regardless, protecting myself from any possible pain denies Him the one thing He requests: my heart. He wants my trust. To believe that He will give me what I need, and what is best for me, and that I can let go of my fears and fall into His arms of love.

I can trust Him. He is God, my Abba, and He adores me. He gives me good things. Regardless of the outcome, for now He is growing me through this new development with my handsome friend (Who also happens to be a great kisser. Just saying. )

Fall into HIM today. His love is strong. He deserves our whole hearts, and our trust.

Receiving gracefully

My intent in writing this blog has always been to share my journey and love for God with readers. I use the word journey specifically because I am learning (slowly) to embrace the process of growth...and not just long for the end point when I'm "complete." I hope it gives you a chuckle from time to time, and that maybe, just maybe, you can relate.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. I have to say, I've missed it. I've missed communicating the craziness that happens in my life, I've missed your responses, and I've missed the filling up and pouring out of Jesus through this blog.

What I've been taught over the last few days is the beauty of receiving. For some of us, receiving things, whether it be gifts, compliments, or help, comes very naturally. For some people it's quite a struggle. I fall in between those two extremes somewhere: until you get to the receiving of God's grace. That one I really fight sometimes.

WHY?

Why is it often so simple to accept a gift from a friend, or help with house repairs, and yet the most beautiful, free, un-earnable gift is so difficult to accept?

One of the things I love most about Jesus, and find most perplexing, is that nothing is ever forced. Every thing He ever does is offered. Placed before us. We are always given the choice. Even the rich young ruler in Matthew 19:16. He asked Jesus- "What am I still lacking?" and Jesus gave him the answer: "sell your possessions...and come, follow me." This part gets me, though- the man went away grieving, likely because he didn't feel he could do that, and JESUS LET HIM.

How many of us could do that? How many of us could offer a priceless gift that we knew would really help someone more than anything else, and let them refuse it and walk away? That is exactly what He does.

I have been RIDICULOUSLY stressed lately: feeling the burden of my daily chores, of life. Feeling like I'm climbing a muddy hill and I keep sliding backwards- all my efforts seem in vain. Burdened, exhausted, and getting nowhere.

I realized my heart attitude was rotten. When I spent time worshipping God, and letting Him fill my heart with joy and change the lens with which I saw my chores, I was able to literally feel the weight lift. I felt peace. I realized that I can choose to do all things unto the Lord (Colossians 3). OR I can choose to keep my negative, burdened, overwhelmed attitude. He offers peace. I can choose to receive it. YES PLEASE!! I receive the joy of being your child. I receive Your peace.

John 1:12 says to all who received Him....He gave the right to become children of God.

He'll never force His way. He's too much of a gentleman for that. Instead, Jesus will offer us Himself...and all the gifts that come from abiding with Him. The choice to receive is always up to us.

Lord, please help me to always gracefully receive all that comes from Your hand, because I know You offer Your very best to me in love.

Getting my priorities straight

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged! Yikes! Life has been pretty crazy, with a whole lot of upheaval and change over here. Quick update: I may finally be beginning a job as a nurse soon, one of my children started a new school, and I went on a mission trip to Jamaica (which was AWEsome!).

During all this chaos, I began to realize just how out of control my life has gotten. Yes, we're still eating regularly and paying the bills. But in general, there are a lot of aspects of my life that I've let go. So I'm slowly beginning to get things "together" again. Life as a single parent is tough. No doubt about it. I have to set some clear priorities. I have to say no to some things, like parties or extracurricular activities. I have to say yes to some things, like getting more sleep and being "all there" when I'm with my kids. I haven't mastered any of these, not nearly, but I'm on a journey to becoming the person I'd like to be.

The thing I realized which shapes these priorities the most is being fully aware of God's love and His supernatural ability to hold ME together.

I've finally gotten to a place where I feel completely adored by Jesus, and I'm pretty smitten with Him myself. When I let that love lead and guide me, I am able to be patient with myself and let Him help me get my priorities straight. Again, I'm never even close to perfect...but when I think about how much He loves me, I don't care! Each day is a new day to walk alongside Him, knowing that if I fall, He is holding on tight. He'll dust me off and we will continue on together. I'm embracing the journey. It's all the little things on the way to where we're going that make us who we are. Not the destination.

the Lord, myself, and hope

It's been a bit since I've posted anything, and I've got some ideas bouncing around in my head...but for now, I have scattered ponderings. Here ya go!

"And the strictness of the rejection that He demands of me allows for nothing to remain in my life but my Lord, myself, and a sense of desperate hope. He says that I must let everyone else come or go, and that I must be guided solely by my relationship to Him." (Oswald Chambers)

...my Lord, myself, and hope. Let everyone else come and/or go....

Recently I've been aware of how easily I become consumed by other people's difficulties. I attempt to help them by taking on their burden, which was never really meant to be mine. In the process, I become unable to manage my own life. By not being present and participating only minimally in my own life, I give up the ability to enjoy what is happening right now. While helping others can be a good thing, like anything else, in excess it is not what's best for us.

Without anyone or anything else, who am I? I am the Lord's.
What do I enjoy? What do I need to do for me? (This is my attempt at showing up for my life)  :)

I enjoy....reading lighthearted "chick lit" books, making music, funny movies, sitting/dreaming/napping in a hammock, dressing up to go out, fall weather, pumpkin patches, music/beer/movies in Market Square, playing board games that make me laugh, shaving my legs, painting/repurposing things around the house into new decorations, snuggling with my kiddos, campfires...

Things I need to do to keep my life in order....time with GOD!, pay bills on time/manage money well, keep laundry folded/put away, listen more than I speak, stay out of things that don't concern me, be trustworthy and have integrity, keep car clean and maintained, take care of house maintenance needs and ask for help when needed, REST in TRUSTING God's provision. Always! I belong to Him and am precious to Him, and He is faithful to care for my every need, usually without me even asking.

So these are my thoughts on how to work at becoming the me HE made...on being simply myself, with Him, and with a desperate sense of hope. What do you need to do to show up for your life? What do you need to do for you?

I trust YOU

Sometimes, we get caught up in emotions, and get forgetful. Have you ever been overtaken by fear? I've always been a fearful person, I'm just wired that way I guess. God has mightily defeated many of my fears, but every once in awhile something pops up, and reminds me that I'm depending on myself more than trusting in Him.

Nothing, nothing is more terrifying than the thought of (or actually) losing someone you love. I've experienced that a few times, especially when my husband died. Terror. Helplessness. The feeling completely incapacitates you. Your vision is clouded by fear. It's a scary place to be.

Tonight I was struggling with some fear...and I felt God speak to my heart with this: "are you going to carry on with this fear, or remember my track record?" So many, many times in the Bible, God does these crazy miracles to protect people from harm. Over and over He states that He is the protector, that we don't have to be afraid. He has faithfully protected me from so much, especially in the last few years. Why do I forget??

So am I gonna be afraid? Or lay my fear at His feet and trust Him? All I have to do is look at the ways He has proven His faithfulness to me and it's an easy choice. When I realize that I can't get through whatever it is on my own, that not only do I need Him, but I really NEED Him to carry me...that's when good things get started. Healing things.

I limit Him so easily. I forget that He is all powerful. Nothing, no one can ever get to me without His approval. And I am His beloved daughter. I'm special to Him. So every time that fear decides to rear it's ugly head up at me again, I'm going to throw my hands up and surrender. "I trust YOU."

Don't change settings! Fight the fear!

Every good story includes the following three parts: the setting, the crisis, and the resolution. No precarious situation continues on at a crisis level for long. There will be a peak of the craziness, and then it resolves. Until the next crisis, anyways. :)

Sometimes, though, when the crisis level hits, we often back down and change settings. We freak out. We get neurotic. We escape and avoid dealing with the conflict. I realized how refreshing the idea of changing settings is as I drove on a road trip yesterday. If life gets hard, I can just move wherever. I have no ties anywhere, really. Just me and the kids, hit the road. I could be a gypsy. :) Unfortunately, if the problem is occurring because of something in us that is broken, it will likely keep happening until you actually deal with it. Deal with whatever the issue is, do it scared, but don't back down. Accept God's healing. Allow yourself to get to the resolution. The issue may resolve the way you'd like, the way you think it will, or it may not. Maybe you'll surprise yourself.

The important thing is that you'll never grow and advance out of the same cycle of problems if you don't push through the crisis.

I love the Serenity Prayer, and appreciate it more now than ever: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

You can't change others. You can't heal them. You can't make them like you. However, you can change your actions; they are fully within your control. You can change the voices in your head and make them like you instead. (Thanks, Pink, for the inspiration there!) No one else can do it for you. Be well! Make healthy choices. Know what you want/need, what is best for you, what God is speaking to you, and go for it! Be bold, be strong, for the Lord God is with you. :)

I'm right alongside you, taking God's hand and asking for courage to take chances, to make changes in my life for the better. There's nothing impossible with Him; all bets are off. Let's do this!

Eyes on ME

Today was one of those days. Didn't sleep well, headache, sore neck, new medication making me feel yucky, etc. Add in stress and a tummyache and I really just wanted to check out of today, maybe skip to next week.

But I started my day with Jesus. And that made all the difference. I used to be so envious of all those perky Christians that had their quiet time every day. I'm pretty undisciplined in most areas, so that never quite worked out for me, even when I tried really, really hard. For whatever reason, I've been thriving on those times alone with Him (and my coffee) this past year. This morning was no different, a balm to my soul.

I was more prepared to handle the junk of today because of what soothed my spirit this morning: peace. HIS peace. Utmost was right on, as usual- "Are you looking unto Jesus now, in the immediate matter that is pressing and receiving from Him peace?...If you try to worry it out, you obliterate Him.."

My friend also sent me a passage about anxiety that caught my attention: "My child, when you are tired, do not be disheartened. Most of your discouragement comes when you carry your own burden, forgetting to call upon Me for help. Give Me everything..."

Confession: I'm a worrier. I struggle with anxiety to begin with, so if you throw in a few other variables, it's near impossible to keep my mind from going in circles. I worry, and fret, and it gets me nowhere. But then God reminds me who is in control.

I remembered the story in Matthew 14 when Peter gets out of the boat and walks to Jesus on the water. When my eyes are on me and the mess around me, I begin to sink, but like Peter, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk confidently on what looks completely impossible.

We used to have a thing we'd say to preschoolers when we need their attention: "1,2,3, eyes on me!" I imagined Jesus looking me in the eyes and saying that to me. "Focus!" So that was my mantra today when my mind began to stress. Eyes on ME. When I felt inferior. Eyes on ME. When I felt afraid. Eyes on ME.

Cause here's the thing: it's not that I don't struggle. Don't trust someone who tells you they never struggle with the junk in life. I just know where to go to get rid of the burden on my shoulders. And when you allow yourself to rest in His presence, lemme tell ya, it's a beautiful thing.

What a difference 10 years makes...

On the way home, driving I-40 with the windows down, "Yellow" by Coldplay blaring...I did some reminiscing.

This same time 10 years ago I was cruising around town holding hands with the hottest guy I knew listening to that same song. A year later I became his wife. I felt like I was learning how to fly.

10 years later, I'm his widow. So mind-blowing. So much excitement and hope in that beginning. Totally innocent of what was to come. I had to learn how to fall.

In some ways, I live life differently now. More willing to do things that scare me, to take risks, to take leaps of faith. Some days I'm strong, some days I'm weak, but I've learned to be more patient with myself. I've seen how fragile and transient life is: we're never promised tomorrow. Each day truly is a gift, and a gift to be used well because once it's gone you can't reclaim it. I don't want to make it to 85 and feel like I let my life slip by, I want to live presently each day.

Although my outlook is a little different, I still have remnants of that innocence and hope inside what I fondly call "my little girl heart." I don't want to live with the fear of losing other loved ones. I want to have hope for each new day. I choose optimism. You may say I'm not realistic: I'm just choosing to hope, even if things look a little bleak.

The marvelous thing that hit me this morning is that God works ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Everything. It did not say, God works everything except that stupid thing you did when you called ______ a ______. Or everything except that time you lied to your boss. Or when tragic, hurtful, awful things happen...He works those for our good!!!

But...but...don't I have to do something? I mean, surely that's too good to be true. I've done lots of dumb stuff, I've been heartbroken, I've hurt others, and really? ALL those things He is gonna work out in my favor???

It just doesn't make sense. But HE is GOD. He's so far above us we'll never understand it. How does He work everything for my good? I have no clue. What I do know is that He chose me before I chose Him, and when I bound my hand to His He promised He'd never let go. And He keeps His promises.

So let's live each day knowing how precious it is! No matter what is going on in your life, remember HE is working everything out in your favor. The story doesn't end here. We're learning to fly.

Finding rest in the craziness of life...

Life feels like a never ending cycle of ups and downs. It usually levels out to be boring in between those times, but it can be so hard to keep our wits about us when things get crazy. I'm such an emotionally driven person that it feels extra difficult to live in peace despite circumstances.

This morning I was reading "My Utmost" and it was perfect for dealing with the emotional upheaval of life. When the life we live in Him is attacked from the outside, it's easy to get caught up in a wrestling match in our heads. Internalized thinking, chewing, getting stuck on something over and over. But all that yuck has a solution: anything that disturbs our rest in Him can be cured by Him.

Matthew 11:28 is such a simple, beautiful passage from Jesus. NASB says it like this: "Come to me, all who are weary, and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." I also love the Message version: "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest."

Things come along and occupy our minds, our hearts, our time. We quickly become separated from Him, bit by bit. It's impossible to react well to situations when I'm not close to Him. The things that overwhelm me and keep me from true rest and peace aren't taken care of by ignoring them. Spending time with Him and abiding in Him are the answers to finding REST and PEACE.

"Beware of anything that is going to split up your oneness with Him and make you see yourself separately." O. Chambers. Nothing can separate us from His love!

This was so refreshing to me, and necessary to remember. When things are getting crazy, get alone with Him. Ask Him for rest! The kind only He can give. You will still have to deal with whatever problem is going on, but you won't be going round and round in your head trying to find a solution. Let's let Him take the burden and give us rest. After all, He's the boss in the life recovery business. :)

Shattering that sheds the light forth..

I've been reading this great little book by Lilias Trotter, "Parables of the Christ-life." Lilias was a female missionary to Algeria in the late 1800s/early 1900s. I'm so inspired by the things she writes; thank you Kim for sending me this book! :)

This morning I read something that gave me a lot to think about. It was regarding being broken, or being in a place of brokenness.

"...He (God) may have to stop using us for a time, that He may deepen this work within and bring us to utter brokenness."

God Himself brings us to a place of brokenness. Even though you may be the one struggling with addiction, He's holding your hand, walking you through the darkness.

"Conscious weakness...is one thing: brokenness is another. We may know that we are but earthen pitchers, like Gideon's, with nothing of our own but the light within, and yet we may not have passed through the shattering that sheds the light forth."

Being at rock bottom, being broken, doesn't mean you have failed. It doesn't mean anyone else has failed you either.

I remembered a discussion I had with friends about accountability. That perhaps, if we were held more accountable by our friends, we would never get to that lowest point. They could prevent some of that pain, agony and defeat. At the time, something didn't set right with me and that statement. I do agree that we should sharpen one another, offer guidance and advice as God prompts us. But it's such a precarious thing, to hold someone else "accountable," because we have to take care of our own junk before we poke at someone else's.

Here's another thing, which Oswald Chambers pointed out: "No one dare interfere with the discipline of suffering in another saint." To us, someone suffering, reaching the end of their rope, may look like complete disaster. Yet we must remember that God is in control.

Sometimes the breaking is just part of the process to let the light shine through the cracks! What a beautiful thought.  Don't feel like it's all over because you're at a low point. Realize that you're right on track to get back up. I can know in my mind that I am just a created human being, but until I come to the place where all I have is Jesus, I still am self-sufficient when it comes down to it.

"When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned..." (Isaiah 43:2)

You will get through the brokenness with the God of all creation by your side. Leaning into Him, you will not be consumed by the struggle. The flames will not harm you. And after you are shattered, you will be able to shed a brilliant light that you could never manufacture on your own.

impatience...

In a good and perfect world, every blog I create would be new and mind blowing. However, reality is that God brings recurring themes in my life. Probably because they are areas that need growth. :)

Yesterday I was again reminded of just how very impatient I am. I. Hate. Waiting. Hate it. I can normally control my behavior, so perhaps no one can tell that waiting makes me feel like I will combust. But God knows. Oh does He ever!

I have a vision of where I'm going, what the future may become, and I want it now. I feel like I've certainly waited long enough. I look at things using my timeframe and feel like it's time to move forward. And I realized I'm so much like the Israelites. Stuck in the desert, circling, wondering if they are EVER gonna get to the promised land. Surely God should move us there by now!

I'm such a fool! Why in the world would I ever believe that God works in a way that conforms to my logic, to my sense of time?? He owns time. I'm a created being. It's ridiculous for me to rush Him along, to nag at Him, to be impatient with Him.

I learn so much from watching the birds from my front porch. They don't worry. They simply live, fly, eat, chirp. Once I remember who is in control, and remember there is a plan, and that I haven't foiled it, I am able to relax. Everything is used by Him for our growth. Nothing is discarded. The waiting times, though difficult for us, are when He is doing the slow, vital, behind the scenes stuff. Namely, helping me trash my will and my plans and lean into Him.

I love this: "We have not to produce out of our higher nature a lowliness and a patience and a purity of our own, but simply to let the pure, patient, lowly life of Jesus have its way in us by yieldingness to it and by faith in its indwelling might." I. Lilias Trotter

Simply yield to His work in you. Have faith that He will, once you let Him, create within you a life that resembles Christ. He's still in control; you are not forgotten.

I love remembering that no matter the detour, big or small, that I make on this path, He is right there with me. Never surprised. Knitting everything together into a masterpiece. I focus on the goal, on the endpoint of the journey, on the arrival; He is focused on the now, shaping the heart inside me.

What is love?

What is love? This world gets us all kinds of confused about what love is and what it should look like. There's family/sibling love, romantic love, love your neighbor, unrequited love, being "in love"...it all gets thrown around leaving us unsure of what love really means. 

So I go back to this: love is patient, love is kind. (1 Cor. 13:4) The verse keeps going but I think these two stand out. For me, oftentimes when I think of someone I love and am being impatient with, I am prompted: love is patient. FIRST, always, love is patient. Love can't be forced. Love can't be rushed. It takes time, cultivation, effort, action, and deliberate care. And when we interact with each other, we show love by being patient, and KIND. Treating others kindly can make such a difference!!

As followers of Jesus we are instructed to "love our neighbor." If we can begin to apply these two things alone, if we show patience and kindness to those we meet each day, we will be on track to loving well.

The trick is, we need God in us to really show love like that. 1 John 4:8 says God IS love. As in, that is part of how he is defined. With His power within our hearts, we have 24 hour access to the only One who is love, the One who can help us show love to others.

When you think of those you love, friends, family, spouses, significant others, etc...think: am I loving well? Am I being patient, and am I being kind? Lord, let your power flow through our hearts so we can show true love to each other.

(*Single ladies,  here's a hint: if you're waiting to meet your hubby-to-be, remember, love is patient! God is working on the behind the scenes work; practice patient love now so that it will perhaps be a habit later!)

some thoughts...

So here's a secret (or not-so-secret) about me: I tend to be a "fixer". I'm in recovery, but still. It's so hard to see friends go through tough situations. Especially when they are in hurtful relationships with others. It seems that we often settle for being treated so much less than we deserve, simply as created human beings. Yet Jesus said to turn the other cheek and to love your enemies. This is a pretty confusing paradox.

I think that it's important to treat one another in love, even if they are being unkind to you, because that is how we show Christ to others. And the power to be loving in the face of your enemies can only come from Him. If I draw from my own will to be kind when I don't feel like it, honestly, it isn't gonna last long. He is love, and allows me to love those around me. But does loving others mean accepting abuse? Being controlled by them? 

I've seen so much dysfunction. Manipulation. Mental abuse. Mind games. And I've got to be honest, I don't think that's the control God wants us under while we are on earth. HE offers a yoke that is light, not heavy or ill-fitting. Why would He desire us to be yoked to people that offer us the opposite of that? While the church is doing justly by encouraging people to abstain from sin and stay in marriages...sometimes I wonder if we aren't creating "shotgun marriages." Holding a "shotgun" to your head and forcing you to stay in a destructive place when the healthier choice is to be out. I've had friends that lived in anxiety, fear and depression be able to blossom and breathe freely once out of hurtful relationships. I know divorce is not God's best. But until we can see things from God's perspective in each situation and know exactly what is happening, I don't think it's fair for us to create the consequences ourselves. 

Get sound advice- from mentors, therapists, friends (who are walking with Jesus). Often times other people can see things with a different perspective, and if everyone else is advising that you're in a destructive relationship, it may be something to think about. But always, the most important thing you can do is to get time alone with Jesus. Wrestle with Him. Beseech Him. Get His instruction. Because while those around you can see a situation with a different perspective than you, only God sees the heart of both individuals. Only He knows the game plan. 

You're free to disagree with me. I feel like I've been chewing on this and seeking God about this a lot, and I'm on a learning curve here. But I want for those I love to feel the freedom of God's embrace, not to be trapped either by the snares of sin, or the noose of religious verdicts.

**UPDATE: I received some wise feedback from my Mom and realized I'd be remiss if it wasn't shared: "Not sure I agree on this one. We are called to forgive & love our enemmies. We also need to give God a chance to change hearts. Nothing is impossible with God. Seek Him & trust that HE can do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we can think or ask according to the power HE works in us. NOTHING is impossible with God!!!!" I absolutely agree, Mom! I want to point out that I do not in any way believe that vows made in marriage are trivial. Too often, people bail because things are simply harder than they can handle. I think much prayer and patience is required in giving God time to heal and restore. This blog was intended to be my thoughts on relationships involving abuse, whether physical, verbal, or emotional. While they are still definitely NOT beyond the power of God's grace, I have a problem with the way the church handles those marriages, and the pressure some feel to stay together to keep in the favor of the church.